Desi Train

They were the dark ages. Shockingly after an amazing 70s. Creativity was the last thing on everyones mind. No one cared. Hindi cinema was treated as a prostitute by those who had come in to make money. And that was their only objective. Dish out a 3 hour film to make money. Video had made it’s foray into India and almost overnight - video became the villain of the film industry. Video was made out to be the cause on why the Hindi film industry was suffering. Of course it was true, to an extent. Yet if one compares the number of illegal downloads of a new movie on the very Friday of it’s release, the video days look like a God’s gift to the film industry. The problem lay elsewhere…

The middle class had moved out of the pathetic cinema halls, that had broken toilets, non operating air conditioners, non working working fans and morning shows that showed softcore porn with the porn posters gracing the walls of the theater. The middle class had simply moved out.

The industry was still fighting for an “industry” status and the governments would have none of it. Art and Cinema was the least of their priorities. It would take 20 years or more of lobbying to get the movie industry an industry status from the government.

Then in 1986 the lower rung of xtras, techs and people working on the sets joined hands together to declare a strike. They wanted better wages, having been criminally ignored by the powers that be. They went on strike. The actors joined them. Around those years (’85, ‘86, ‘87), the theaters went on strike protesting against the heavy taxes that ate into the money they made and then the distributors, not to be left behind did the same. No Hindi movie released in that 2 - 3 months strike period and in other months even theaters were shut down temporarily.

Back to the film workers’ strike, Sunil Dutt, the man responsible to a large extent to get the film industry it’s industry status, led the film workers from the front. The committee included actors, directors and other people who were in or anywhere near film business. Our megastar Amitabh Bachchan was on a tour (I think). Sunil Dutt worked day and night for the film workers. Then Amitabh Bachchan flew back. And the committee, who thought Bachchan would create the same super hero magic off screen, turned their attention to him, urging him to lead the committee from front. All the work done by Dutt saab was conveniently ignored and he was removed as if a makkhee from doodh. Bachchan saab took over the mantle of the leader for the event. The event everyone was working on was Hope 86. A six - seven hour programme where all the lead actors would come and perform on stage to raise money for the film workers.

Hope 86 happened and as per what the media informed us, it helped raise money for the workers.

Two days after Hope 86, one of the best female actors to grace the Hindi cine screen… passed away. Smita Patil, during the night of Hope 86, had to be rushed to the hospital. A day later she was no more. She left, after giving birth to a healthy baby boy… Prateik Babbar, who recently appeared as the lead female actor’s brother in the recently released Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na.

It was dark. It was gloomy. Even those idiots like me who still dared to go out to the theaters every Friday, had to face the super bad crowd pouring into the theaters. The condition was so pathetic that in the winter of 1987, at a theater in Andheri, about 5 to 6 sadak chap idiots surrounded two Bhavan’s college girls during the interval session in the lobby of the theater and started dangerously misbehaving with them. Had not it been for the timely intervention of the theater staff, the situation could have gone real nasty.

It wasn’t a good time to be near a theater, atleast many a theater. Looking back, those were really sad times. Finding it hard to cope with the high taxes, increasing costs and depleting ticket sales, theaters were closing down. My family’s favorite weekend getaway where, as a kid, I had some of the best times in my life - The triplet theater in Andheri - Ambar Oscar Minor - was demolished and in its place stands today Bombay’s first shopping mall - Shopper’s Stop.

Since it was clear to the powers in Bollywood, the kind of audience who was now was buying tickets, the movie makers started catering to this audience. As a result, the 80s saw more tomato ketchup, more torn sarees (petticoat, blouse etc.) and more soft core porn duly certified by the Censor Board of India, than in any other decade of the history on Hindi cinema. By ‘85 it was clear. The movie industry had been officially hijacked by people who sold crap for money. And they made a lot of money.

A couple of years ago, the media went ga-ga over how Amitabh Bachchan reinvented himself with Kaun Banega Crorepati. They went over the top on how this reinvention was such a brilliant thought out move that it gave him back his super star status.

Well. It was indeed a well thought out move. But it took Bachchan 20 years approximately to find this reinvention. He was done and out after Ganga Jamuna Saraswati and Toofan. He was done. He stayed there like a hangover of his superstardom and to some extent Mukul Anand tried to inject some sparks back with his trilogy with Bachchan. Other than that, Bachchan tried a lot of things to find his groove. Even acted in an art film directed by Tinnu Anand. Nothing was working. It would be 20 years later that KBC would give him what he was looking for.

But there was one man who reinvented himself in the industry not once but more than 3 times over the course of his career to stay in business. And of course make a lot of money. Today he is one of the richest men in Bombay but is also the most discreet about it. And Balaji Telefilms has nothing to do with the wealth he made.

Jeetendra started his career as a chocolate lover boy in V. Shantaram’s Geet Gaya Patharon Ne, moved to become a James Bond in Farz and when things got tough started doing family melodramas. Then the Rajesh Khanna wave came. Everyone of the heroes in the lover boy bracket lost their jobs. Jeetendra had no work, if I’m correct, for over 3 years. He literally sat at home for 3 plus years.

Its then he went to Gulzar. If you want to see re-invention - check out Jeetendra’s film before he did Gulzar’s Parichay and then watch Parichay and his films with Gulzar. Side parting his hair, wearing thick glasses and growing a pencil mustache, Jeetendra became the semi reflection of Gulzar on screen. And that phase saw some of the or perhaps the only good work he ever did.

When the Rajesh Khanna wave died down and the Amitabh Bachchan wave took over, there was no room for romance or melodrama. Jeetendra, again was struggling to find work. So he latched on to multi-hero plots until Padmalaya Studios came in, in ‘83. Jeetendra, Kader Khan, Asrani, Shakti Kapoor and Aruna Irani would be paid a yearly amount and flown to Chennai or Hyderabad 4 times a year to complete 4 to 6 movies. It was a Factory or a Mill weaving movies. These five actors made the most of it. They were the ones who made the most money in Bollywood as actors in the 80s.

And that is reinvention for you. Jeetendra may be a terrible actor on screen, but off it, he’s a highly intelligent person and an excellent analyst. He has a tight pulse on the market and above all is able to back up and see the whole business scenario with him in it… thereby giving him a whole great range of perspective in a much shorter period. According me, Bachchan lacked that analysis and hence it took him much much longer before KBC found him.

But this was all good for dear Jeetendra. Not at all for us. With Himmatwala, the south studios had suddenly found the formula to success. Justice Chowdhary followed. And then came Mawaali and we were crying tears of blood. As mentioned at the start of this post, those were very dark and gloomy years…

The Torture Series continues…

MAWAALI (1983)

Imagine this. About 50 odd people take Ganja (Hinglish: Pot) in the morning. Have a few beers. And go to shoot a movie. The night before, they played “Toss the coin” to decide what their location for shooting the next morning would be. So the Mawaali team on a cold night, amidst beer, whiskey, ganja and what not - decided it would be a sunsaan (Hinglish: lonely) road.

Then after the ganja, the producers were “the most high” and were chomping on big slices of Jalebi (if you came late: smoking pot leads to eating jalebis)… screamed loudly “How many nanga funga (Hinglish: naked more naked) scenes are being shot today. Pot make us horny”

And in the pot induced stupid stupor, the writers quickly wrote a rotting nanga funga scene. And therein lies the secret behind the “amazing” opening sequence of the film Mawaali… where Mr. Jeetendra asks Jaya Pradha and her female friends to remove their clothes so he can join their clothes together and tie their broken-down car behind his car to take them to the nearest garage.

By mistake the writers wrote “The female actors remove their top”. The producer shouted “Today I am interested to see the bottom”. So the writers improvised. And the female actors remove their bottom so Jeetu-jee can make that rope to pull their car.

Of course the bottom is not seen on screen and neither, I assume, does it appear off screen. So what sense does that opening scene make? The only logic I can think of is that the producers of the 80s read only Mastram and no screenplays. If you know Mastram you know what I mean.

So while Jeetendra goes with the most irritating “HA HA HA” in town.. yes even 25 years later… and Jaya Pradha cursing him in a language that has a Tamil blanket heavily wrapped around each Hindi word, dropping out of her mouth like an iron ball dropping on your toe… the scene may have been shot… to perfection… in one take.

Turns out… as it always did in the 80s… Jaya Pradha-jee is the daughter of a super rich industrialist who, as it usually did in the 80s is Dr. Shreeram Lagoo, who as it usually did in the 80s, is very old and walks with a stick and who, as it usually did in the 80s has an evil corrupted sister, brother in law and their kid, all of whom, as it usually did in the 80s want to kill him to get his jayedad. More on that later.

Meanwhile Dr. Lagoo is happy that Jaya Pradha-jee and Jeetendra-jee are in love with each other, as it usually happened in the 80s. Then as it usually happened in the 80s, Jeetu-jee and Jaya-jee do a song and dance, with a difference.

There is no saree. No Saree? Yes, the wind Gods come and take Jaya Pradha’s saree away as she stands on some highway, a location that was selected by the ganja induced brains of Mawaali’s team on Day 23 or was it Day 32? It doesn’t matter.

So the saree flies off and then suddenly Jeetu-jee and Jaya-jee by some secret technology of Captain Kirk’s “Beam me up Scotty”… get transported to some garden, which has five trees and bharpur ghas and of course Bappi-da playing Lahiri Mohalla Chap band in the invisible background… Here is the song for your viewing pleasure… that is if you care. To reveal the climax of the song, the saree miraculously flies down on Jaya Pradha-jee’s soft, silky, thick body.

Kahani mein twist. Yes even in a Ganja induced environment, there is a twist. There is always a twist. when Dr. Lagoo is killed by the evil triplets (Kader Khan, Shakti Kapoor, Aruna Irani)… Jaya-jee enters home and sees Jeetu-jee running out. Yeh Kya Gadbad hain?

Big Gadbad! Jaya-jee cries in court and says she saw Jeetu-jee. Court sends Jeetu-jee to jail.

We are all confused… but worry not… Gadbad mystery resolved in jail.

Double Role. As if one Jeetendra is not enough. We have two Jeetendras. Jaya-jee saw Jeetu-2 on the night of the murder, got confused and said in court that she saw Jeetu-1. Now in jail, Jeetu-1 meets Jeetu-2 and Jeetu-2 is a mawaali. Hence the title of the film. So Jeetu-2 who is a thief, mentions to Jeetu-1, that he was in Dr. Lagoo’s house on the night of his murder, to rob the house. Hence Jaya-jee must have mistaken Jeetu-2 to be Jeetu-1. So Jeetu-1 pleads to Jeetu-2 to reveal to the cops the true situation. But Jeetu-2 says he will be mistaken as the murderer, even though, he knows that Jeetu-1 has not committed the murder. So Jeetu-1 requests Jeetu-2 to exchange places, so that in 2 days when Jeetu-2 is about to be released it will be Jeetu-1 who actually gets out and get Jaya Pradha out of the changul of the evil triplets. But Jeetu-2 puts a condition that if Jeetu-1 does not return in 3 days he will run away from jail. Jeetu-1 agrees and so Jeetu-1 and Jeetu-2 exchange places so Jeetu-1 can leave in place of Jeetu-2 and help Jaya Pradha escape.

If by now, you are going bonkers or you have dropped on the floor in a state of pure utter confusion… please don’t worry… you don’t need to use your brains to understand anything. Remember it is movie made with everyone high on Ganja. Are you this crazy trying to decipher a ganja induced brain’s thought process? Sometimes I feel the entire series of Jeetendra-jee’s 80s South movies should have simply been titled as “Ganja Gang”, “Ganja Gang Returns”, “The Ganja of Ganja Gang”, “Ganja Gang Begins”, “Ganja Gang Strikes Back” and so on and so forth. It would have made no visible or invisible impact on the the plot or success of the movies. Except of course the problem would be if even the painter of posters was high ganja and in his state of “high” where he sees everything upside down he replaces “g” with a “d” in the posters which would then have looked like “Ganja Gand”, “Ganja Gand Returns”, “The Ganja of Ganja Gand”, “Ganja Gand Begins”, “Ganja Gand Strikes Back”… and so on. Now that that I think of it, even these new names would have had no impact on the ticket sales of the movie.

Now Jeetu-2 a Mawaali, is made to speak in Slang Bambaiyaa language… Ok…. Throughout the movie… NOT OK. The only one who has surpassed Jeetendra speaking High Quality - Mumbaiya Hindi, is Neelam speaking High Quality - Rajasthani Hindi in Taaqatwar.

How could the team get away with such gross misrepresentation of Mumbai Hindi? Didn’t anyone check the way Jeetendra spoke Mumbai Slang on the set? But then look at the combination which got Jeetu-jee’s Mumbai Hindi approved. It’s a South Studio. The director K. Bapaiah is from the South. Jeetu-jee is from the North. The producer on the set is a man named Hanumantha Rao Ghattamaneni. So the question of differenting “Aapoon” from “Harpoon” does not arise. And by the time Jeetendra utters the word “Aapoon” the 63rd time, you just can’t take it anymore and start looking for a life size harpoon to stab it in the entire Mawaali team’s ass.

Well back to the story, Jeetu-1 who is out of the jail, is pulled in by Sridevi who is actually the girlfriend of Jeetu-2 and thinks this Jeetu-1 is actually her Jeetu-2. More Aapun, Aapoos, you looking for a harpoon… follows. This time with dual force from Jeetu-jee and Sridevi-jee. Now you forget your search for a harpoon and start looking for any thing that would even remotely resemble a sharp object.

Fortunately for you the scene moves on. Jeetu-1 excuses himself, escapes from Sridevi, reaches Jaya Pradha’s house and rescues her. Jeetu-1 and Jaya Pradha go into hiding at Jeetu-1’s house where his mother lives, who is played by none other than… who else… but…

Nirupa Roy

The universal mother of the 80s Hindi cinema. She was everywhere. You needed a mother. She was there. You did not need a mother. She was there.

It was difficult time for the actors (both male and female) who could find no escape from the long reaching powerful smart motherly tentacles of Nirupa Roy, who’s compulsory line in all her movies was…

“Main teri Ma hoon. Ma ka kehna nahin manega?” and the actors had to do what she said, however stupid it may be.

The actors grew smarter. So they changed their roles in the script. Nirupa Roy was now like a mother..

Actor: “Aap Ma - saman (like) hain”

It had no effect. Nirupa Roy would shoot back…

Nirupa Roy: “Dekh tune mujhe Ma kahan. Ma ka kehna nahin manega?” and thus making the actors do what she wanted them to do.

Since the last idea flopped, the actors found another idea. In later movies they said…

Actor: “Aap ko dekhkar mujhe mere Bhabhi ki yaad aa gayi”

No effect. Nirupa Roy had the ground covered.

Nirupa Roy: “Dekh tune mujhe Bhabhi kahan. Bhabhi Ma saman hoti hain. Apni ma ka kehna nahin manega?” and she would tow the actors wherever she wanted to drag them.

Actors were running short of ideas. They got desperate. How the hell would they escape this Ma. HOW HOW HOW??? Idea!

Actor: “Badi Malkin hum toh chote aadmi hain”

Nirupa Roy was too smart for such punks! HA!

Nirupa Roy: “Duniya mein chota bada koi nahin hota. Dekh tune mujhe Badi Malkin kahan hain. Badi Malkin Ma saman hoti hain. Apni ma ka kehna nahin manega?“… there was just no escape… the actors tried everything, Nirupa-jee always had the answer.

Actor: “Chachi” - Nirupa Roy: “Ma Saman”
Actor: “Bua” - Nirupa Roy: “Ma Saman”
Actor: “Sauteli Ma” - Nirupa Roy: “Ma Saman”
Actor: “Badi Didi” - Nirupa Roy: “Ma Saman”
Actor: “Stranger who saves kid from accident” - Nirupa Roy: “Ma Saman”
Actor: “Grandfather’s uncle’s daughter’s aunt’s husband’s cousin’s neighbour’s housemaid” - Nirupa Roy: “Ma Saman”
Actor (in utter frustration): “BHOOTNEEEEEEEEE” - Nirupa Roy (calmly): “Ma Saman”

… it just wasn’t working. Nirupa Roy had the Ma angle clasped firmly in her iron grip for the entire 80s.

So, anyways Jeetu-1 stays at Ma’s house for 3 days, gets married to Jaya Pradha and returns back to jail so Jeetu-2 can get out and Jeetu-1 can get in. I suspect, the story initially mentioned 30 days, but when Jeetendra-jee read the line “Stay with Mom for 30 days” and then looked at the casting of Ma which read “Nirupa Roy”… he whipped out his pistol, drove to the writer’s house, stuck the pistol in the writer’s ass and demanded “Kutte Kamine, I recommend your name to write this story and you maraoing me by putting me with Nirupa Roy for 30 days!!! Change the 30 days to 3 days or you will be without an ass for the rest of your life”

And miraculously the 30 days stay was cut short to 3 days. So Jeetu-2 and Jeetu-1 exchange places and Jeetu-2 secretly comes out of the jail in a milk van. In film after film after film people in jail escaped in milk vans, laundry vans and even hiding below police vans. Didn’t anyone after all these escapes ever think to check their vans moving in and out of jail? All the stupid jailor and hawaldars did was blow the whistle, start the bhopoo and we would see havaldars running in line going to a room to collect 303 rifles. I’ve always wondered where they went after this? I mean did they know what direction the escapists were running to? Or would they run to the “Central Jail” main gate and then return. The jailer would ask “Mila?” and they perhaps went “Nahin mila Sir, kona kona chan mara“… anyways doesn’t matter.

Jeetu-2 comes out, does “Jhopdi mein charpai” with Sridevi. And in their ganja induced stupor, the team of Mawaali accidently brought in a PT master to choreograph the song or perhaps an Ayurvedic doctor who showed the Jeetendra and Sridevi the various yogic postures to take when suffering from constipation. Besides this the brain dead with ganja team accidentally ordered Sridevi’s clothes from a shop that sells only Yellow and Red curtains and bedsheets. I humbly play for you the song below.

Well after all that dancing Jeetu-2 decides that he needs money in order to marry Sridevi. Goes to Jeetu-1’s house to steal. Caught. Nirupa Roy as usual, plays the MA card. Jeetu-2 paani paani. Vows to get justice for Jeetu-1.

So Jeetu-2, Jaya Pradha and Sridevi go to the triplets. And record a tape where Shakti Kapoor is saying “We killed Dr. Lagoo”… it is so simple. Kader Khan realizes they are taped and suddenly starts barking Number one, Number two, Number three … which are actually numbers for groups of men assigned to do different jobs. Number one only kicks. Number two only punches. Number three does some weird ass scratching which is supposed to look like they are torturing.

Triplets now torture Jeetu-2, Jaya Pradha and Sridevi. Jeetu-2 is hung upside down with fire underneath him. Jaya Pradha has her hands tied. And Sridevi…

Well well well. What do we have here… The ganja induced brains of the director, writer and producer invented a new type of torture. This new form of torture is tying Sridevi to a Cart-wheel and a goonda is employed to turn the cart round and round. As proof see picture above. So when the goon turns the wheel round and round, Sridevi cries “Bachao Bachao… Nahiiiiin”… you try to view that scene from multiple angles. And from each angle you are kicking your brains to find the mystery as to how moving a wheel round and round is causing any sort of any pain to Sridevi lying on top of that darn Cart wheel. But since you were not smoking ganja while designing that torture device… you shall never know.

So after much torture, Jeetu-2 gives tape to the head of triplets - Kader Khan. Triplets visit jail and tell Jeetu-1 “Tomorrow, say ‘yes’ you murdered Dr. Lagoo in front of the judge or we will kill these three”. They show the photos of Jeetu-2 hung upside down, Jaya Pradha with her hands tied and Sridevi on the wheel crying ‘bachao bachao’.

So Jeetu-1, the next day declares in court “Yes I murdered, Dr. Lagoo”. Judge says “Tomorrow you will be hanged. Case closed”… what fucking court in India delivers death penalty in one day, we would surely like to know. At this rate India could have stemmed it’s population explosion. Alas the team of Mawaali does not reveal the court’s location to us.

That same night Universal Ma, cries and gifts Jeetu-1 a Gita, to read before he is hanged in the morning. Jeetu-1 opens the Gita, and finds a long slender rotting almost junk iron blade… a blade that would have a difficult time to shave one single piece of hair off your one day stubble. But Jeetu-1 somehow manages to use that darn blade to cut the iron bars of the window of his jail cell and escape. Perhaps the milk van was on strike that day and hence these extreme measures had to be taken.

Jeetu-1 reaches villains’ den. Jeetu-2 still latkaoing upside down. Question. It’s been 3 days. Didn’t he have to pee or shit or something. Perhaps he did and the fire burning below him took care of it. Ditto for Jaya Pradha and Sridevi who is still on the round round wheel and is having a hell of a time to decide whether she should laugh or cry. Anyways… doesn’t matter.

Jeetu-1 comes and becomes superman and starts flying in air over the goons, frees Jeetu-2, Sridevi and Jaya Pradha who after 3 days of not eating, drinking and staying tied in one position, somehow have discovered the secret ancient formula to beat a 100 goons.

Alls well that ends well. Goondas go to jail. All good people wrap around Universal Matashree facing the camera and finally The End shows up.

Time for all of us now to take our Cinkara, Gingko Biloba, 30 plus capsules and whatever that keeps us from getting dizzy and falling on the floor.

And that dear New age Bollywood bloggers who bash up movies of today as if it is some khet ki mooli… - is an actual eye witness account of the horrible 80s. So if you didn’t like any recent movie, do this - have someone tie you up on a cart wheel and move the wheel round and round as you watch these last films mentioned in the Torture Series. That is the only way to experience what ‘bad’ really is…

Up Next: Marte Dam Tak (1987) starring Raj Kumar, Govinda and Farah Naaz.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Filed under Bollywood, Memories Re-brewed
Tags : Aruna Irani, Jaya Pradha, Jeetendra, Kader Khan, Nirupa Roy, Shakti Kapoor, Sridevi, The Torture Series.

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