Desi Train

Originally published at Passion For Cinema

Tring Tring…

Who’s That?

Taran

Taran Who?

Taran Adarsh, the one in the whole of India who always publishes the first review for any Bollywood release.

So the first review comes in. Now Singh is Kinng is supposed to be complete masala - that is a given. I’m looking forward to it.

Sadly the first review comes in from Taran Adarsh and it almost kills the movie, even though he praises it.

Out of his entire vocabulary of 12.5 words, Adarsh begins his review like this

Just a word of caution before you watch this film: SINGH IS KINNG is not for the intellectuals or those pretending to be one. It’s not for the hard-nosed critics either.

Hole 1: Not for intellectuals, hard nosed critics (check Adarsh’s past records every second review of a big flick will have this line)

What does this mean? SiK is for idiots or those who pretend to be an idiot? Frankly this is quite offensive repeatedly used statement by someone who pretends to be an intellectual. Wait a minute. Shouldn’t he be one of the first to stand in the line of people who should not watch the film since it is not for those who pretend to be an intellectual.

I did not know that doctors, engineers, artists, philosopher, professors do not like leave-your-brains at home kind of movies. If that be the case Hrishikesh Mukherjee, Basu Chatterjee and even of the current lot like Dibankar Banerjee should have been working in sewing and knitting mills rather than film studios.

Vipul Shah. Anees Bazmee. Akshay Kumar. Katrina Kaif. Four names for whom success has become a habit. That makes SINGH IS KINNG the most awaited movie of the season. Must add, the wait was worth it!

Hole 2: Ass kissing, “Success has become a habit”, “wait is worth it”

A year ago, Mr. Adarsh must have dispatched is worthwhile assistant to the public library to find new quotes. And the assistants obliged. Using statements again and again in his reviews like “Success has become…” and “wait is worth it”… has now become Mr. Adarsh’s habit since the last year.

Why kiss ass, and then talk about the movie in your review? We all love (hopefully) the producers, directors and the actors, but we don’t put up billboards expressing our love for them. What is this?

You know the rules when you watch a hardcore entertainer: Just don’t look for logic

Hole 3: Rule Rule Rule. Where the hell do these rules come from in Mr. Adarsh’s reviews. Somebody please pass me the Rule Book.

Now I did not know that there were two types of entertainers. Hardcore and Softcore. It’s quite Porncore reminder. And who the fuck created the “rule that hardcore entertainers don’t have logic”…

Anees Bazmee’s films are very high on entertainment. The plotline may be paper-thin, perhaps ludicrous and farcical, but when did Bazmee ever promise a SCHINDLER’S LIST or a SAVING PRIVATE RYAN? SINGH IS KINNG works because it delivers what it promises: Full on entertainment!

Hole 4: Why compare masala to classics? Why not compare Masala to Masala? How about Daddy Day Care, Blue Streak, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and such?

Bazmee has the knack of making immensely watchable fares that cater to the aam junta.

Hole 5: One dimensional views. But we can’t blame him, cause when one kisses ass, one does not care about the bad.

Bazmee is also the writer of Aaj Ka Goonda Raaj, Mr. Azaad, Hulchul, Andolan, Prithvi, Raju Chacha, Mujhe Meri Biwi Se Bachaao, Karz - The Burden of Truth, Deewangee, Sandwich etc.

Bazmee is also the director of Hulchul, Sandwich, Benaam, Welcome…

No offense to Bazmee’s filmography. He is in there earning his bread and butter. But we never heard Mr. Adarsh EVER mention “Bazmee has the knack… watchable fares” until Bazmee achieved much success in the recent years. If Adarsh feels Bazmee has the knack of making watchable fares for the “aam junta”, where was the aam junta when most of the movies listed above were released?

I would love to know Adarsh’s definition of the “aam junta”. Then I would love to ask him, based on his definition, whether he includes himself in the “aam junta”. Adarsh’s definitions change as and when it suits him it seems - cause if he is an aam junta, I am happy that the aam junta in India today, wears, designer suits, glasses and rubs shoulders with the film people who saw some major success last Friday.

But, wait, SINGH IS KINNG isn’t a foolproof product.

Hole 6: “But, wait”… he’s used this so often, that the fucking expression has lost it’s surprise element .

The final word? SINGH IS KINNG is a delicious and scrumptious pav-bhaji served in the finest cutlery. Your taste buds are sure to relish it… and ask for more!

Hole 7: If you remove Singh Is Kinng and put any other movie title he has reviewed in appreciation, the whole review will have no effect on the change. Check out his past reviews. The pav-bhaji and finest cutlery phrase is now old and needs to be changed to something else… like Champagne and Lalooji’s promoted Kulhad.

Lakhan Singh aka Lucky [Sonu Sood] is the King of the Australian underworld,…

Hole 8: Copying and pasting the film’s publicity text in a review does not make it “YOUR” review

This is one major gripe I have about this chap. He pastes the publicity material of the movie to tell the story and then adds on to it by giving the rest of the story not mentioned in the original material.

And I mean in plain verbatim when I say “the rest of the story”. Meaning if he has not kissed the producers, directors and actors asses in his review till this point, he is going to tell you the entire story. What are we? Kids waiting for Uncle Adarsh to tell a story so we can go to sleep?

Here too he reveals a few things but stops revealing the climax. Remember the ass kissing condition?

The problem with Adarsh is he has lost any out of the box perspective towards cinema and movies. I’m not even sure if he ever had such a perspective in the first place.

Which leads to a bigger issue here? When the quality of reviewers has gone to the lowest depths as those defined and lived by, by the likes of Taran Adarsh, shouldn’t it raise a big red flag of the type of filmmakers and films which will follow from the same environment?

And even though Adarsh tries hard to cover up his “inferiority complex” by purportedly pointing to words like “not for intellectuals”, “hard nosed critics”, “aam junta” - who is he trying to fool?

The 80s till the mid 90s too had movies in Bollywood made for the “aam junta”. And this aam junta were the front benchers who drove entirely the economy of the film industry, for the middle class had disappeared from the theaters for two reasons (1) Quality of theaters and the rowdy crowd that began to occupy the seats (2) The septic pool quality of movies made.

So does the middle class of the 80s and 90s get segregated and made to stand in the corner based on Taran Adarsh’s supposed definition of the “aam junta” who were primarily the front benchers in Lower Stalls of the 80s?

Adarsh is quite a cunning chap when it comes to picking up coined words from other sources and then defining them, re defining them and changing the definition as and when it suits him.

Today the “aam junta” for Singh Is Kinng will be all those who go and see and enjoy the movie. Adarsh has placed his bets, for anyone to see, that the film will be a Super Hit. Which I am positive it will. “Aam Junta” equates to a hit film in Adarsh’s books. Had he any doubts that phrase would never had made it in his review.

And that is quite tragic. With a reach and power with filmmakers, the man has, the sense of honest and sincere responsibility was a burden never to be carried on his shoulders. For that remains the burden of the “aam junta”… on the whole…

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 7th, 2008 at 8:57 am
Filed under Bollywood
Tags : Reviews, Singh is Kinng, Taran Adarsh.

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