Bekar Raj: You don’t mess with the Ozhan
Originally published on PassionForCinema.com
Friday. Sarkar Raj has released. 6pm. Ozhan knocks on Wife’s door. Asks for permission to go to see the movie. Permission given on the condition that Ozhan takes his marriage dowry with him to the movie.
Ozhan without uttering a word accepts the instructions, walks to the dowry, picks it up and drives to Shitz8 @ Artersia, California, the only place he finds peace and the welcome darkness where he can cry over the torture he receives at the hands of his wife and his marriage dowry.
Marriage Dowry = Momar, a jet black cat, who can speak the human toungue in 14 languages. The bastard cat has also shaken up and shocked the world of science and animal kingdom. You see the average age of a cat is supposed to be 7 years. By fate or Ozhan’s real bad luck, Mr. Momar is now 27 years old and by the looks of it, he will be there alive and kicking (and torturing)… much after poor Ozhan has left Mother Earth.
Ozhan to Ticket Window: One ticket for Sarkar Raj please
Momar to Ozhan: Bitch, where will I sit? On your shitty pants? Buy two more tickets you punk
Ozhan: Why? Why two more? I’ll buy one for you. What’s the second ticket for.
Momar: Ah fuckin idiot. One for my ass and one for me and the third one for my tails.
Ozhan: So where the hell will I sit?
Momar: (yawning) Not my problem.
Ozhan to ticket window: four tickets please
Ozhan and Momar walk in. Ozhan buys 12 dozen each of Coke, tea, samosas and popcorn for Momar. Who cannot watch a movie silently if he is not chewing or sipping something.
The last row is empty except two people sitting in the corner seats. The rows ahead ahead of them have people sitting with machine guns, sten guns and rocket launchers. At the door of the screening theater there are armed men with Bofors guns.
Ozhan: Seems like some big VVVVVVIPS are here to watch the movie
Momar: Bitch, no one is bigger than me. I just play it down. Hence I’ve taken you as my bodyguard you idiot. Lets sit next to the two VVVVVVIPS and lets see who is more important. They or me.
Ozhan and Momar sit next to the two VVVVVIPS. Ozhan in slow motion moves his neck, shifts his jaw, and applying a great deal of hydraulic and pneumatic pressure on his eyeballs moves them in such a way that it would appear he is watching the screen, but in reality the eyeballs are trying to get a glimpse of the faces of the VVVVVIPS
Ozhan checks their faces. Knees begin to tremble. Body shaking here, there, everywhere
Ozhan screams: HOLY SHIT
Momar: WHAT THE FUCK! You scared me! What is it you bitch!
Ozhan: Thats Big BhagRe and Small BhagRe
Momar: Who the fuck are BB and SB?
Ozhan: The underworld kings of Orange and Los Angeles County.
Theater speakers suddenly start playing a background score:
Marela Karela Marela Karela… karelllaaaaaa
Big BhagRe looks at Ozhan and then glances at Momar. Seeing Big BhagRe’s eyes drilling into him, Momar whispers to Ozhan: I’m outta here… I’m not feeling well… you know I should not have come.
Big BhagRe Raises his hand and points to Ozhan and Momar in “ta ta†(bye bye) position
Big BhagRe: Sitting for a movie and watching a movie has a difference between the earth and sky
Small BhagRe (trying hard to get our attention on him): A long term Coca Cola has much fizz than a microwaved popcorn
Ozhan (still shaking head trying desperately to understand): Sorry Big BhagRe… Sorry Small BhagRe
Big BhagRe: Never trust a man who utters two sorrys in one sentence
Ozhan (HOLY FUCK I’M SOUP)
Momar (MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A GOD. I KNOW 14 LANGUAGES. BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEBODY HELP ME… WHAT LANGUAGE ARE THESE PEOPLE TALKING IN!!!)
Ozhan: Sirjee… I’m just a common man… I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I and my cat will vacate the premises, the city, the state and the country immediately
Momar (FUCKING BITCH CALLED ME A CAT… HE CALLED ME A CAT… ASSHOLE)
Big BhagRe: A fly in the soup is still a fly. Whether you look at it from far or from near.
Small BhagRe: A soup on the fly is still a soup. Whether you look at it from far or from near.
Ozhan: So true so true (Quickly checks his fly to see if there is any soup on it)
Big BhagRe: So what can we do for you?
Ozhan: Nothing Big BhagRe Nothing.
Small BhagRe: So what can you do for us?
Ozhan (gulps… quickly thinks of something): I can offer you this talking cat who is 27 years old and is expected to live another 100 years.
Momar starts shivering, shitting and his testicles shoot right in 2 feet inside his body… which is about next to his throat.
Ozhan (pushing his luck… thinks of killing two birds with one ball… sorry stone): And he has six testicles… Rare cat this one Small BhagRe-jeee
Small BhagRe (scoffs): HA… everyone these days carries six testicles… its become a trend… I’m sorry I’m happy with my one testicle.
Big BhagRe (surprised): You have only one testicle!!!
Theater speakers play background score:
Marela Karela Marela Karela… karelllaaaaaa
Small BhagRe (clearly irritated at opening his mouth): So what the fuck can you do for us!!!
Ozhan (desperately trying to think of something): I want to open a hair salon. I will call it Sheffard Power Plant. Here I will do all your family hair. Fuck it… I’ll do any of your hair for free.
Big BhagRe: Do you know we will have to move 40,000 people from the area where you want to build the Hair Salon?
Ozhan (confused): Huh? I didn’t know that!
Big BhagRe: Politics and hair are like same same but different different. They are both twisted and if not cleaned regularly will turn dirty and filthy.
Small BhagRe (scratching his 2 year old stubble): and will itch and cause dandruff like this
Ozhan (brain’s still function at top speed): Yes yes… that is why I will open a hair salon so hair can be clean, soft and shiny.
Big BhagRe: I smell a rat…
Momar (jumps at the opportunity): Where tell me Big BhagRe-jee… I am at your service
Big BhagRe:… in your plan
Small BhagRe:… in your plan
A bald heavy mustached bodyguard walks up
Big BhagRe: What is it Taklu Muchchad?
Taklu Muchchad: Big BhagRe… this is not fair… I served you for ages and you are now doing this? By giving permission to this idiot to open a hair salon you are making fun of all your body guards who are bald… (starts crying) I can’t take this anymore.
Big BhagRe whips out a gun and shoots Taklu Muchchad dead.
Theater speakers starts playing background score:
Marela Karela Marela Karela… karelllaaaaaa
Big BhagRe slowly looks at Ozhan and Momar : A hair on the dick is worth two on your head
Small BhagRe slowly looks at Ozhan and Momar: A dick on the hair is worth two on your head
Momar (Wait! Is he calling me a dickhead???)… pauses looks at the dead body of Taklu Muchchad and murmurs to himself: So be it.
Big BhagRe: A bald bodyguard makes way for a hairy woman
Ozhan still trying to grasp the meaning of the last sentence when in walks a beautiful woman with XXXTRA pouted lips.
Ms. Pouted Lips: I am the new recruit
Ozhan looks at Ms. Pouted Lips closely and is shocked
Ozhan: Wait… aren’t you the CEO of PENRON the Power Company
Ms. Pouted Lips: I was… now after the death of Taklu Muchchad I will be the head of Dadagiri and Dadagiri sons ltd.
Ozhan: What company is that?
Momar elbowing Ozhan, whispers: Idiot that’s the name of the mafia company run by BhagRe productions.
Ozhan to Big BhagRe: Sirjee can we leave
Big BhagRe: Starting to leave before the movie starts, starts a sign of danger
Small BhagRe: Starting before starting a movie, starts the starting starting
Ozhan (in an unguarded moment): What does that mean
Small BhagRe gets angry from inside, but his eyes remained glued on Ozhan as if trying to give him conjunctivitis.
Theater Speakers start blaring:
Marela Karela Marela Karela… karelllaaaaaa
Momar gets the cue. He bites Ozhan’s ankle : Bitch LETS LEAVE…
Ms XXXXTRA Pouty Lips catches Ozhan’s collar: Wait not yet… you have to tell us if you liked the movie.
Ozhan looks at the blank screen: Huh? The movie hasn’t even started.
Big BhagRe: Then tell if you liked the blank screen or not…
Ozhan: The blank screen was very nice. very engaging. very enchanting. very… uh well lit.
Small BhagRe: and tell if you liked the screen on the blank…
Ozhan’s brains can’t take the strange talk anymore and give up.
The ambulance arrives in 5 minutes and takes an unconscious Ozhan and Momar to the hospital. By courtesy of BhagRe (Big and Small), Sarkar Raj is shown to Ozhan at the hospital. Both Momar and Ozhan faint again 60 minutes into the movie.
Ozhan: Where am I?
Momar: In the hospital you bitch and get your leg off my ass
Ozhan: Uh sorry… but what the hell happened to Ram Gopal Varma?
Momar: Ram.. who?
Ozhan: The guy who gave us some great movies in the 90s… where is he…. what happened to him? He’s lost his sense of timing. If in Shiva Part II he shortened the scenes, he lost the emotional connection… and now he drags the scene so long there’s no emotional connection between his story and us… Is he done?
Momar: Bitch… if you don’t get me a dozen tins of fresh salmon, I will kick your ass so bad you will lose your sense of everything. So rate the movie and get me my food.
Ozhan: F Minus. Watch it with someone you really want to torture for over two hours.
June 8th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
:))
June 12th, 2008 at 3:28 am
=d>
hillarious.. could this be the script of sarkar raj sarkar?
would save RGV say about.. 5 minutes?
June 23rd, 2008 at 1:49 am
Nice, really nice. Wandered into your blog via Hemu’s blog. You write well.