Desi Train

Originally written for PassionForCinema.com

Oh how the mighty have fallen. Down. Down. Downer. It is real tragic for us to see… to see… that… the plastic industry is in doldrums. Complete mess. About to crash. And burn. And die a miserable death. Yes Sir/Madam/Sim (Sim = addressing transsexual readers of DT). Yes. The whole world has grown mega conscious of saving the earth. Plastic is now discarded by one and all on Mother Earth. No one uses plastic. For anything. Plastic bags have been replaced by paper bags. Plastic furniture by wood furniture. Plastic crockery by ultra-I-can’t-believe-it-is-not-plastic glass crockery. Plastic items replaced by alternate material. Even plastic condoms, which have been replaced with ultra thin made in India, Khadi condoms.

The bosses of the plastic companies have an emergency meeting. Something needs to be done. They hit upon an idea. Movies!!!! No dear reader, they are moving over from plastic business to movie business. They in that andheri raat at Kachchi Kali Hotel in Andheri, decided to fund a movie that would glorify “plastic”… and bring it back to life.

And who else to executively produce, create a story idea, monitor the story development and the screenplay and direct it but say to the world it was his hajjam who directed it…. yes dear reader none other than the great “officially” retired director Satyanash Bhatt, maker of great classics like “Lahoo ke Sade teen rang”, “An-arth”, “Bekar Naam”, etc. etc.

So Bhatt decides to make a movie. He comes home and orders a cup of tea, a glass of scotch, some beer, some valium and a DVD of Paparazzi. Paparazzi? Why Papaprazzi? It’s a stupid flop movie! Yes dear reader, we know that. But Bhatt believes the days of copying hit, successful English movies is long gone. These days, you see, he is starting a new trend in Bollywood. Copying flop, stupid English movies. In Satyanash Bhatt’s analysis, no one will watch stupid and flop English movies. So no one will realize his films are copied.

Little does he not realize that a few chutiyas in US (for eg. a certain Mr. oz in California) watch not only chutiya Hindi movies, but chutiya English movies too.

But why??? Why Why Why??? Why does oz watch such chutiya (I’m sorry but the word is too strong) movies?

That is because dear reader, oz is Chutiya No. 1… any roadside homeless person, egg headed checker at the mall, security guys snoring at the XRay machines at the airport, in fact any idiot on Mother Earth can come to this Mr. oz, make him a chutiya, and go home dancing happy and thanking God that there exists a bigger idiot than them. Hence dear reader, the Chutiya No. 1 tag. Now oz’s only hope is that Govinda sees this post and immediately sends an SMS to David Dhawan to start a new movie with Govinda in the lead, the movie title = Chutiya No. 1

Anyways. Back to the satyanash. I mean. Satyanash Bhatt.

So in his drunk state, Bhatt asks his kaamwali bai to translate Paparazzi into Hindi. Kaamwaali Bai, all geared up and armed with with Bhatt’s newly taught English, translates the movie.

Bhatt, next day with a hangover is at the medical store, buying headche inducing pills which will give him more headaches. Next to him is Pappu who is trying to buy condoms. Pappu has failed 10th standard. Failed 11th standard. Failed 12th standard. Pappu hence is standing at the medical store with the sole purpose of buying condoms, losing his virginity, to his Kaamwaali Bai, who incidently is Bhatt’s kaamwaali bai.

Bhatt to Pappu: “Who are you?”
Pappu: “I’m Pappu. Who are you?”
Bhatt: “Satynash”
Pappu: “Fuck you”
Bhatt: “When?”
Pappu: “Fuck you again!!!”
Bhatt: “No beta… I have a headache. And in my headaches I can’t hear properly”
Pappu: ” Oh sorry… (pause)… so what did you hear?”
Bhatt: “Suck you”

Pappu starts shouting… “BACHAO BACHAO… THURKEE BUDDHA”

Crowd gathers. Even in severe hangover, Bhatt’s brain somehow starts working, trying desperately to save Bhatt’s ass from the crowd.

Bhatt to Pappu: “I’m Satyanash Bhatt the great director. I will make you a star by taking you as a hero in my next movie”
Pappu: “what is the movie called?”
Bhatt: “Showbiz”
Pappu: “What is the movie about? Movies?”
Bhatt: “Well yeah… NO… it is a title where people will think it is about behind the scenes look at the movie industry. But it is all about the media that I want to piss on.”
Pappu: “So what is Showbiz”
Bhatt: “Some shitty company that produces plastic singers, has plastic executives, and a hot manager who’s steaming plastic tits that I will show whenever I feel like scratching my crotch - which I do every two seconds… see I’m scratching even while speaking to you”
Pappu: “Yes you are. Where will I be in this whole plastic?”
Bhatt: “You will be the new bestest plastic actor singer, Showbiz company will produce”
Pappu: “Will I get to do chitti chitti bang bang with Ms. Plastic Manager”
Bhatt: “Oh yes you will… it will be a never seen before moment on screen. Think about it! Plastic kissing plastic… woooo… me so hornistic”

Pappu agrees. Shooting starts. Bhatt takes his driver-turned-hajjam-turned-kaamwali bai- now known as Baju Khan to direct it.

Unfortunately the script is lost.

Baju Khan: “Satyanash. Script lost… SATYANASH!!!!”
Bhatt: “No problem”
Baju Khan: “So what we doing to do?”
Bhatt: “Make men run from left to right to your screen. Women run from right to left of the screen. Take Pappu Plastic (name changed for screen and make it look like star name). Take Ms.Plastic. Put Ms. Plastic on top of Pappu Plastic so it will be seen that even Indian women can be cowgirls. Take now-he-is-actor-now-he-is-not - Sushant Singh - make him look at the camera and tell him to give the best plastic villainous performance of his life. Then after the plastic love making of those stupid Plastics is over, ask them to take a gun and shoot the stupid plastic villain. Then take your white underwear, tear it, paint “The End” on it and hang it for drying in front of the movie camera. Movie done”
Baju Khan: “Sir… you are sooooo brilliant”
Bhatt: “I know”

The End.

Z Minus. If you run out of toilet paper, take the cover of the DVD or even the DVD to wipe the ass clean. Watching this movie is almost similar to being a victim in a genocide.

P.S. While writing this movie reaction, there is a certain movie called “The Revenge of Geeta Mera Naam” playing on television. Doomsday has arrived. Finally.

This entry was posted on Monday, January 7th, 2008 at 11:06 pm and is filed under Bollywood, Movie Reactions.
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