Desi Train

[originally written for PassionForCinema.com]

Saturday Night. Live from HQ. Watching Aaja Nachle. Have no idea whether the DVD is original or pirated. Put it in the player. FBI warning shows up.

You have no clue yet. Cause all pirated DVDs these days come with FBI warning - Illegal copying etc. etc. of this movie is prohibited and a penalty of $$$$$ is applicable etc. etc. I guess even the video piracy business is now legitimate in the US of A and has been given protection by the FBI.

Post FBI Warning frame.

A yellow cloud about 5 inches in width and 2 inches in length plops right up in the top center of the screen and makes itself comfortable there sitting throughout the length of the movie.

The menu items show up.

Click Play.

To know what happened after play is similar to me asking writer Jaideep Sahni - “What in the world happened to you?”

The story idea is credited to Aditya Chopra. Now here is a guy I had mentioned two years ago, I had high hopes from - in terms of cine-business.

What one should ask is not why Aaja Nachle such a… such a… such a… FUCK IT IS SO BORING I DON’T EVEN HAVE THE RIGHT FUCKING WORD FOR IT!

Ok… lets begin again. After watching Aaja Nachle, the question one should have in their mind, the question which is a very logical thing to have popped up in your head. The question is not why Aaja Nachle is like this or why did anyone think of making Aaja Nachle or the immense talented job done by the SFX guys in Aaja Nachle (SFX? What SFX you ask? more on that later)… no dear readers, the question that will be swimming round and round your head is - What water is served inside the Yash Raj campus that makes even the most promising and talented writers like Jaideep Sahni, come up with a script called Aaja Nachle.

Aaja Nachle last Saturday evening was watched by me in 16 parts.

16???

Yes 16. Sixteen. Sixteen. Solah… Pundhra khatam solah shuru… aye dhinchik dhinchik… pundhra khatam solah shuru… here’s what happened:

Movie starts. Because of the FBI protected pirated DVD, plays with no hitch. Madhuri lip syncing a song. English song. The words of the stanza end two minutes before Madhuri’s lips open up to start lipping (is that a word?) the completed stanza on your speakers. Piracy zindabad. What awesome technology!

Meanwhile oz is making 16 cocktail samosas in his oven. The Maggi hot and sweet sauce is popped up while my DVD player is pooping the Madhuri delayed lip syncing song.

Song over. oz back in room.

Phone call. Flight back to India. Sorry dear readers, only after seeing Madhuri sitting next to a thermacoal white wall next to her which has an egg shape window, did I realize that she is sitting in a plane. And they are talking about going to India. India? India. So I’m guessing they are flying New BackYard.

What the fuck is New BackYard?

It’s the 20 feet by 20 feet carpentry wizardry stage somewhere in Film City or Filmistan.

Beep beep beep.

Samosas are almost done… I’ll be back.

Pause movie. We have a delicious round of cocktail samosas. By the way I never knew there was something called “cocktail” samosas.

Restart movie.

Some guy who looks like he has Hepatitis is on video. Giving a death speech.

I tell you. This is not good. This will start a trend. This is dangerous for India. Because now, everyone in India will start trying their level best to get hepatitis so they can get on video.

Anyways… the real frightening thing for me… the shock that sent me running out of the house into my backyard, and in darkness picking the first thing that came in my hand. I picked it and brought it close to my eyes. It was a bottle opener. So I opened a few beers and drank them.

And started crying. Cause that frightening scenes became frightening cause it was written by Jaideep.

So I drank some more.

Movie is still on. I go back into the house.

There is an art center called Ajanta. But no one is posing or dancing nude there. But on seeing the actresses on the screen, it is better that way. There seems to be some woman called Shamli who wants to dance or not dance, but whatever the reasons there seems to be these two groups of politicians who want to take this lady called Shamli and build a shopping mall on her. Jesus Christ!!! And I thought I was kinky!

Then there is this character played by Madhuri, who’s hated by everyone, but still everyone keeps listening to her. Perhaps it’s her clothes. Perhaps they wanna learn from her how to patao Americans… that American story happened while me cooking Desi samosas in an American kitchen inside a Chinese oven. Now that is International Integration for you.

So anycase, people want Madhuri to teach them pickup. Madhuri it seems is a lesbian in love with Shamli. All throughout the movie we never get to see Shamli, cause my best guess into uncovering the deeper meanings of the movie is that Shamli is a Kaamwali who works 24/7 and does not have time to do anything else…. which is sad, cause it gives the director an excuse not to show a lesbian scene which would have so certainly made this movie a superhit and no one.. and I say no one would have raised an issue over mochi, chamar, sonar, lohar, honhaar… and whatever haar we have in our Hindi shrinking vocabulary.

Of course that would now mean some lawyer in Kanpur who doesn’t get any from his wife or from his neighbor’s wife is going to do suing, knitting etc. against Yash Raj because of that lesbian scene.

Mercifully the lesbian scene didn’t happen.

So we were stuck with the mochi, chamar, sonar, lohar, honhaar… controversy. Take your chappal and beat it on your head baar baar. Then go to some Preetam bar. Drown in sorrows in pegs char.

Ok so we are at this Madhuri who wants a lesbian relationship with Shamli and the two group of politicians who want to build / not build / (fill in the blanks) over Shamli’s head, ass wherever… As long as it’s not me I have no problems.

Then this guy who looked promising in Rang De Basanti enters the scene, followed by this actress, followed by someone called Ranveer Shorey, Vinay Pathak, Jugal Hansraj and the usual suspects who appear in every third movie that is made in Bombay or Bihar.

They all decide to do this massive orgy of sorts on/inside/under Ajanta.

What Ajanta?

Forgot what the hell is this Ajanta. Not sure, because I was on my seventh beer, 24th samosa and about half a bottle of Maggie hot and sweet sauce. The sauce by this time is inside my stomach and has started to cause some weird sort of bubbling sound. That bubbling sound grows fainter and fainter.

Fainter cause that bubbling sound is moving away from my ears. Dipping lower and lower. From the stomach into the intestines and moving at a very slow relaxing pace… lower and lower… singing on it’s way… “Panchi banoo, udti phiroo, mast gagan mein… aaj naya chand duniya ki gagan mein… Hillloooo reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

So anyways, amidst this whole bubbling emergency, samosas, beer, Maggie hot and sweet sauce etc. etc. the orgy takes place. Where everyone is screaming, crying, beating, crying, saying something tragic… all this in an orgy. The only time I cried during sex was when my ex told me that she thought she was pregnant. I cried cause I got shit scared. I guess, now all the men on stage are crying during the orgy because all the women on stage are pregnant. And all the women on stage are crying, because none of the men on stage are the fathers of the respective future children. And all the audience watching the Ajanta orgy is crying because, the director asked them too.

And I’m crying cause the bubbling inside my stomach has reached massive proportions.

Moral of the story. Always wear a condom for sex and mix water with your Maggie hot and sweet sauce before consuming it. Please do listen carefully to all I’ve mentioned so far. I don’t want angry emails coming from my dear readers that they used Maggie hot and sweet sauce on their - you know what - during sex and put the Maggie sauce in a condom before consuming it. The results of this mix up, to put it mildly, will not be too good for you.

So the orgy ends. Madhuri suddenly forgets all about her desired lesbian relationship she wants to have with Shamli. Shamli never shows up. Some bald guy by the name of Akshyae Khanna keeps doing some weird lop sided smiles as if they have been imported from the roller coaster rides of Knott’s Berry Farms during his Dil Chahta Hai days. Mercifully Khanna is not carrying a coconut tree on his head in this Shamli gone Kamli story.

Something something happens, and then I see Khanna in New BackYard, smiling with Madhuri with two cups of - seems to be coffee - but it is spiked. He is going to get her drugged and take her back for another orgy… this time at Ellora where there’s this lesbian called Dhoom-lee, a sister of the late Bruce Lee, who wants to make the biggest Halwa in India or something of that sort…

Any way, I didn’t get to see those Dhoom-lee scenes cause I had downloaded Quicken, a finance software in which I began calculating my total loses because of watching such movies. Suffice to say I am in a state of financial ruin.

F Minus. Take your vibrator or your blow up doll and pleasure yourself rather than have this stale halwa.

This entry was posted on Monday, December 10th, 2007 at 1:55 pm and is filed under Bollywood, Movie Reactions.
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