Desi Train

You live in America (or maybe Europe, Australia, Japan or Jhanduland). You live alone. You can manage that. You pay rent. You can manage that. Now suddenly something happens and you start thinking. If you are thinking of having a desi (from India) roommate in your house/condo/apartment/sewage pipe or any place else that exists in a land called “foreign” by desis then this is your 101 Guide. Read it, memorize it, eat it, dream it, drink it and save yourself the misery that 90% of desi roommates will bring to your life.

90%… YOU FUCKING SAID 90%!!!

Yes. I’ve quoted that figure after spending 5 years of my life with Desi Roommates (the roommates in college don’t count). Prior to that my life was so calm, serene and peaceful. Then one day. Thunder. Lightening. No seriously, there was thunder and lightening and it equated to a perfect day to have alcohol. So, after having a Bacardi Coke, followed by beer, beer, beer followed by chicken tikka, followed by Goldslaugher, Goldslaugher, Goldslaugher, {bathroom break}, Goldslaugher, Goldslaugher, Goldslaugher, {bathroom break}, Goldslaugher, {bathroom break}, Goldslaugher, {bathroom break}, Goldslaugher, {bathroom break}, Goldslaugher, {bathroom break}… for some odd reason, I took my head out of the toilet seat and said to myself -

“I’m going to find me some roommates”… and it was done.

The beginnings are always good. It’s how God’s sense of humor works. HE will first entice you, attract you, send you some Angels who will live in disguise as your roommates. And once they leave HE will pull back, relax on HIS nice cushiony couch/serpent/pointed hilltop/hanging garden or whatever (depends on what God you follow)… and will enjoy the show… HIS favorite show… HELL for you…

So here goes the Desi Roommate 101… or call it Desi Roommate Chronicles or How to get fucked without asking for it….

This is Part 1 of a series I’ll be recording my tragedies in…

The CRY BABY

oz One Line Definition: THE BASTARD WHO WILL CRY TO SAVE HIS ASS AND FUCK YOURS UP.

Never ever pick up the phone and talk to a deushe bag who’s calling from another city.

9:00… “O Taki o taki o taki taki taki re, jub se tu…” - oz’s cell phone ringing

“Haalllooo… this CB from Atlanta. Saw your ad… ” - voice is shaky, desperation. He lives with his wife in Atlanta. Confirmed on a project in Orange County.

Sure come on in. CB calls five times before he eventually lands in OC… fuck he even calls me when he is changing flights “Saaar… oz bhaiyya… I’m coming. Please don’t give the room away to anyone else” - yeah, my house has a room that I can fold and throw it in a trash can…

That was 3pm Sunday. Six hours later. “Saaar… bhaiyya I am here… I am on the bus”… He arrives. I show him the room. He moves in with the luggage. I ask him if needs anything. He says no. Ok. I go to my room.

Five minutes later

Nautanki (Hinglish: Theater on the road) starts:

Knock on my door.

“Saaar… Saar… Saaaaaaaaaaaaar”

Yes

“Saaar… I want to talk”

Yes what is it?

“Saaaar I don’t know how the project will be not sure if I wanna do the project… I will stay for two three days and go back to Atlanta”

Why are you telling me this? You can go whenever you want, but you have to pay, as per the conditions you agreed to, for the whole month. That’s what we had asked you and you agreed to it. So give me the rent check and you can do whatever

“SAAAAAR… PLEASE DON’T SIR”… TEARS FLOWING START FLOWING DOWN… “I AM FEELING VERY LONELY. I WAS ONLY THINKING ABOUT MY WIFE IN ATLANTA… I CAN’T SURVIVE HERE… I WILL DIE… ”

WHAT THE FUCK… And the guy was around 36/37 years old.

Well if you wanna feel lonely and die… it’s your problem. First give me the rent check. How am I supposed to pay the rent if roommates back out…

Now he burst out crying. It’s 9:45pm “SAAAAR I ONLY HAVE FIFTY DOLLARS IN MY POCKET PLEASE TAKE IT… I’LL LEAVE TOMORROW MORNING…”

What am I gonna do with 50 bucks… you are making me look like some fucking ancient zamindar. Dude. If you committed to someone that you will live in the house, you have to follow through. People make plans, I made plans financially based on your commitment… you can’t back off now for whatever reason.

“SAAAAAR… MAIN AAPKA PAIR (Hinglish: FEET) PADTA HOON… PLEASE LET ME GO… IF YOU WANT I WILL LEAVE NOW” Starts crying louder and louder, making me realize that the neighbor’s may think someone in my house has given birth to a 37 year old baby at 9:45pm Sunday.

Shit man. No need to be so melodramatic. You wanna leave now? Ok leave… where will you go?

“I will go to the airport and take the morning flight back to Atlanta.”

But the airport is closed at night

“I will spend night on the footpath (sidewalk)”

Ok dude… how will you go

“I’ll call taxi”

Dude dials 411 (directory assistance), requests taxi, gets number and calls taxi service, the operator on the other end flatly refuses to send the taxi to my house.

“SAAAAR THEY WILL NOT SEND TAXI HERE…” Crying volume increases again.

I take the phone from his hand

What’s the problem?

Operator : Sir the person who calls wants us to send a taxi — states my complete street address, city, state and zip code — right?

Yes, that’s correct.

Operator: Sir, this is New Jersey (east coast). No way are we going to send the taxi to Orange County (west coast and about 10,000 miles away) to pick a passenger who will go to the airport 10 miles away from your house. I’m trying my best to explain to your friend but he isn’t listening.

Firstly he is not my friendly. Secondly. He is not my friend. Thirdly. We both are having a fucked up night.

So I used my phone to arrange the taxi and pick him up to his “friend’s” place who miraculously came into being, cause 10 minutes ago Mr. CB knew no one in town.

Dude takes his two heavy suitcases and rolls them out looks back at me with his big gawky eyes and shakes his head - the it’s a yes but appears no - kind of a way turns around and walks out.

End of Nautanki

Conclusion - Never fucking do a room mate deal by phone even if it means selling your underwear to pay the rent or mortgage.

The COMMITMENT? WHAT COMMITMENT? IDIOT

“My office is in LA Downtown. I live in Glendale. I saw your ad and would like to move into your house”

Sorry. No can do. LA Downtown is far. You don’t have a car. The trains are there. But there is no point in staying so far, if you are going to be paying rent.

“No but I would like to. Trains is convenient”

No Sorry.

“Please”

No Sorry

“Please”

No Sorry

“Please”

No Sorry

“Please”

Dude, trust me… it is far. Why don’t you look around LA Downtown?

And then he mentioned the words which should rung the danger bells

“Because there are no Indians around. I want to be around Indians”

You are in America. You have like a 8 - 10 hour job. What difference would it make to be around Indians for the few hours you spend at home? I didn’t see an Indian during my days in San Clemente for five years at a stretch except some Indian friends once in a while.

Dude was adamant.

Ok come on Thursday so we can talk

Dude arrives. Checks house. Loves it (actually there hasn’t been any who doesn’t wanna stay here). Wants to write the check immediately. I stop him.

Wait… here are the rules first listen to them and let me know if you agree. You have to give us a 4 week notice. Your month is from first to the 30th of each month. that means if you leave inbetween you pay for the entire month or find a replacement.

As has been the case on more than one occassion, the idiot keeps nodding his head to agree to everything I lay down.

Dude moves in.

Five days later, on a Sunday evening

“oz-jee, I want to say something.”

Yeah sure

“I am giving you four weeks notice. I came on 7th and will be leaving on 7th of next month. Actually me and a group of friends have found an apartment. ”

That’s fine but you have to pay for the entire next month. Remember I said your month is from 1st to the 30th. But you know what you can put an ad and start looking for a replacement and we’ll help you out too… but if nothing comes up, then do pay the rent.

“That I cannot pay. I will only pay till 7th. I have no money”

What? But why commit to the rules… do you remember saying yes to the rules

“Yes, I agreed. But now I cannot. I will leave on 7th”

I blew my lid

Then leave right away. I’ll cut from your rent whatever days you’ve stayed and give it back to you. So pack your bags and leave.

“Ok can I leave tomorow morning?”

That was like putting kerosene in fire

Leave right NOW!!!

The idiot walks in and starts talking on the phone. A few minutes later I enter the room

Why aren’t you packing? Didn’t I ask you to leave?

Now I’m not sure what kind of advise an idiots more idiotic friends were giving him on the phone, but the guy starts screaming on my face

“I WILL LEAVE OK… JUST GET OUT OF MY ROOM”

Dude this is not your room… this is my house…

He’s still screaming and then he does what I’ve seen in quite a few desis here. The utter selfish thankless attitude.

The idiot dials the cops or maybe is acting he’s dialing the cops and starts talking “I’m being thrown out of the house” yada yada yada yada…

That does it. I’m pissed and about to break his face.

By some sheer miracle something inside me pulls out of the room and I go and sit in the living room

The guys trying to convince the cops to come over. I know it’s not gonna be happening. I stay put till he’s done.

Ten minutes later I walk in

So if you are done with talking to the cops, start packing and wait outside… let the cops come in and we’ll talk

He continues with the screaming “YES YES, I’M PACKING NOW GET OUT OF MY ROOM”

I try my best to explain that the room is a part of the house. The house belongs to me. So the room belongs to me. So if the room belongs to me, why should I be walking out of the room.

Anyway, he says he’s packing.

I wait.

Fifteen minutes later he walks out with his bag and baggage… apparently waiting for some of his friends to pick him up.

As he is walking out he talks to me, this time calmly…

“I’ve never spoken in anger to anyone in my life before… you could have atleast understood my position”

Dude, I’ve yet to meet a guy who is helped by a person and the guy calls the cops on the same person to save his own mother fucking ass.

Conclusions

1. Go hide beneath your bed if you hear the words “I want to live with Indians only”
2. Be ultra careful if the guy sounds desperate. In desperation desis have a tendency to say yes to anything
3. Get an online legal document that lists all your rules and get it signed by the roommate. It will save you tons of headaches. Online legal forms are now free or cost pennies
4. If you hear the words Satish from Hyderabad who wants to live with Desis and has a friend called “Mungi” - RUN… DON’T WALK… RUN

More oz Roommate headaches next week… Until then ya’ll be good stay safe and have a rocking weekend

This entry was posted on Friday, October 12th, 2007 at 3:03 pm and is filed under Friday Masala, Lens Eye View, Life Flava.
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