Desi Train

Suddenly, oz finds a job.

Suddenly, oz finds that the job entails interviewing lead stars of all new releases from Bollywood.

Suddenly, all the happiness returns back into oz’s running on porn-only life.

Suddenly, the CEO of the firm calls oz on his first day at work and gives him an assignment.

Suddenly, oz finds that the assignment entails, oz has to fly to Germany… his first

Suddenly, oz blurts out of sheer happiness Bhagwan ke Ghar der hain, andher nahin (Hinglish: In God’s home there is a deer but not the Mumbai suburb Andheri)

Suddenly, the CEO informs oz the assignment in Germany… interview HR the star of the recent release Aap Ka Suroor…

Suddenly, all happiness oz has been experiencing since morning… evaporates.

Fast Forward: GERMANY

While on the flight oz drowns himself in all the alcohol present on the flight to prepare himself for the interview.

oz switches on tape recorder. HR is sitting on the sofa in the hotel lobby. Red cap, black jacket and beard intact.

So HR, how does it feel that Aap Ka Suroor is a hit?

Kabhi kisi ko mukummal jahan nahin milta…

ahem… no really… how does it feel that Aap ka Suroor is a hit?

Zindagi mein khushi aati hain aur jaati hain

ok… good… we are making some progress… so what does HR mean?

Human Resources

oh! I thought it was Himesh Reshammiya.

Zindagi mein bahut see galtiyan hoti hain (Hinglish: In life many silly mistakes happening)

I’m sorry… so is Human your first name and Resources your last name or is it the other way round?

HR looks at oz… the expressions on his face are exactly the same as they were before the start of the interview… expression-less… HR desperately tries to move his facial muscles to show oz what he is feeling… but the injected collagen has frozen his face and it remains stiff like a porn star’s dick. Instead HR uses his eye balls to move it up and down three times…

Seeing the eyeball movement oz checks the 4 inch by 6 inch slip of paper titled “HR Check sheet”, given to oz by the team of HR before the start of the interview… oz checks point number 6 in the “HR Check sheet”

Point Nnummberrr siiix: If HR moves his eyeballs up and down 3 times it is equal to = HR is very angry.

oz quickly moves on to the next question…

I find that you have spoken a lot of Urdu in your movie… did you take any Urdu lessons before this movie?

No need to… Urdu and shayari are inborn in my system. They are as precious to me as my music. Without urdu, shayari and music I am nothing… hence I use a cap to prevent anyone stealing my brains where my USM reside.

USM?

Urdu, shayari and Music

Oh so you mean all the Germans in Germany understand Urdu, shayari and your music?

HR looks at oz and moves his eyesballs left and right 6 times. oz checks “HR Check Sheet”

Point nnummberrr tttwoooo: If HR moves his eyesballs left and right 6 times, then it is equal to = HR wants to call you a dddoggg.

oz dddoggg quickly moves to next question.

Oh… is that why - because you want to protect your USM so tightly, even in the movie we see 25 black colored limos in front of your car and behind you and even a helicopter flying over the convoy… were they all to give you protection?

Yes

Wow! But what about the over emotional scenes where you drop your jaw stretching it soooo wide that it is just six inches above ground level, to utter the words in slow motion - “Itttttttttttttttttttt’sssssssssssss a missssssstake”

Miss Take

Excuse me?

Miss Take

Sorry I don’t get it

Miss Take not mistake… I said in that scene to the director it was a miss take… do it again… my editor slept in the editing room over that scene…

Oh he slept just over that scene?

What?

Nothing… how come German jails allowed you to wear a cap in jail?

Because I’m HR

And how come you escaped from jail just like that?

Because I’m HR

And how come your hostage Shri Shri Shri Raj Babbar and you after the escape go to a place in the forest right in front of a sniper who is ready to shoot you.

Because I’m HR

Did you just fart?

Yes… Because I’m HR…

HR quickly moves his eyeballs three times up and down. oz checks “HR Check sheet”…

Point nnuummmberrr threeee: HR moves eyeballs three times up and down is equal to = HR just farted. Quick!!! Run for cover. Wear gas mask supplied to you with this List. HR or any of his associates are not responsible for any nausea, vomitting, fainting, death etc. that may occur if this gas mask is not worn for 3 minutes after the event in point nnummberrr threeee occurs.

oz quickly puts the gas mask on… moves on to the next question

What inspired you to sing the Karz song Darde dil Darde jigar dil mein jagaya aapne… it really woke me up when you started singing…

Yes

That’s it… a “yes”?

Yes

And “Yes” means?

Yes

Why didn’t you put on any facial expressions in the movie? In fact even the leading lady asks you the question “Why don’t you smile”?

Antarctica

Antarctica?

Yes. I went on a picnic to Antarctica before the start of the movie

Picnic to Antarctica? For what?

Inspiration

Inspiration?

Inspiration

Inspiration from what?

Ice

Ice?

Ice

What about the penguins there?

That I will do for Aap Ka Surror Part 2: The Filllllm - The True Suhaag Raat Story

Oh! And what will it be based on?

HR

HR?

HR

And?

HR

Yes that I know but what besides HR?

When there is HR, there is nothing required

Just like Aap Ka Surroor Part 1?

Yes

Yes?

Yes. Even in part 1 when the girl’s father is in doubt whether his daughter to should marry HR I say “Look into my eyes, you will find only your daughter in here”… my eyes, my voice, my USM are all that is required to make a movieeee

I thought that dialogue was shit like all the other dialogues in the movie….

With the same expressionless face, HR’s eyeballs pop out and in 5 times… oz checks “HR Check sheet”

Point Number fivvvvve: HR’s eyes pop out and go back in 5 times is equal to = HR going to explode in anger. RUN… run out of the hotel… do not forget to deposit the gas mask back at the reception. Thank you for the interview.

oz springs up from the sofa and runs out of the hotel, throwing the gas mask back at the reception as he dashes out.

HR’s team standing out

HR Team : Thank you for taking HR’s interview. Please come again

What the fuck? Come again… what the hell is this circus… how come you get journalists to fly to Germany to interview this shit of a movie?

HR Team : What? Shit? You are a nut case? The great Subhash K. Jha just interviewed HR before you!!!

What? He interviewed HR before me??? Did he wear the same gas mask that I did???

HR Team : Yes… he he he … he sure did…

FUCK FUCK FUCK… I’m out of here. QUICK - Where’s the nearest river I can dive in and wash myself… who knows what fuck all places did Jha use the gas mask on!!!

HR Team : two blocks from here… wait… how did you rate the movie?

YOU KIDDING ME… Z Minus… Shove your self in your refrigerator rather than watch this ice cold shit.

This entry was posted on Monday, July 23rd, 2007 at 10:24 pm and is filed under Bollywood, Movie Reactions.
Views : 2,666 views
You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.