Risk : Blank Blank Mix
Background story:
Don Dawooz lives in Mumbai, posh area that is hidden behind Mumbai’s coconut trees. Perfect hideout. Police jeeps, police vans, police bicycles and police handcarts go by Dawooz’s house but can never see the house because of perfect covering and shelter provided by those coconut trees.
But wait… only two people know where Don lives. Politician Ma’am Mamtoz and Commissioner of Police Mr. Satkeloz.
But there is an other honest, forthright, upright, all right Police Inspector RanDuckoz who wants to end Dawooz’s terror reign. And thus starts war between RanDuckoz and Dawooz.
Dawooz is losing. Frustrated he picks up his Sidekick brand mobile phone and climbs one of the coconut trees to get the network signal, so he can dial a number.
The number belongs to Inspector RanDuckoz.
RanDuckoz : “Hello”
Dawooz: “Asalam walekum Inspector… aap hamari naak mein dum kar rahen hain” (Hinglish : Hello Inspector you showing your biceps inside my nose)
RanDuckoz: “This is nothing Dawooz… when I started this fight against you maine apne sar pe maut ka coffin baandh liya tha” (Hinglish : blah blah… wore a bandanna on my head that read “coffin” on my enlarged head)
Dawooz: “Leave my men alone. Hatela and Phatela my right and left arms are having too much trouble because of you. Stop shitting in front of their house at 7am every morning OR else”
RanDuckoz: “Or else WHAT?”
Dawooz: “I’ll send my men to shit in front of your house!!!”
RanDuckoz: “I am ready to take the RISK. This is Mumbai… and I can shit anywhere I want to… just wait… within 24 hours I’ll be there shitting in front of your house… jo ukhadna hain ukhad le” (Hinglish : Uproot whatever you want to uproot)
Dawooz: “WHAT!!! YOU THREATENING ME… YOU WILL SHIT IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE AND SPOIL MY OCEAN VIEW OF THE FILLED WITH MUMBAI’S MAHANAGAR PALIKA MUNICIPALITY’S SHIT… YOU WILL SPOIL THAT VIEW!!! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!!!”
RanDuckoz: “If you don’t know what to say, then I don’t know what to say”
Dawooz: “So what do we do now?”
RanDuckoz: “Background music”
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Suddenly the branch Don Dawooz is hanging on, breaks.
Dawooz crashes on the ground.
Dawooz: “ALLAH!!!!!!!!!”
RanDuckoz: “What Happened?”
Dawooz: “Nothing… just expressing my surprise on finding such an honest and brave police officer for the first time in my 18 year career of mafia bossing!!! Ok I have to go.”
Cut to Commissioner’s Office:
Commissioner Satkeloz: “Aray Dawooz is giving you 20 million to not shit in front of his house… why the hell don’t you take it!!!”
RanDuckoz: “Because I’m an honest officer. I will not take bribes even if I have to die shitting. Sorry Sir Mera zameer nahin manta” (Hinglish : My - too drunk to translate - not wanting)
Commisioner Satkeloz: “You will be in trouble soon… be careful… we all are, as you know, on Dawooz’s payroll”
Cut to RanDuckoz’s girlfriend’s house… where RanDuckoz is using his perfect pickup skills a.k.a. I have multiple relationships darling.. please don’t cry - dialogue.
RanDuckoz: “You don’t understand me. I needed you in this terrible time of tension and stress”
Girlfriend (picking her tired and tattered naked body from the bed): “What me don’t understand you? I just gave myself to you… Hell you use my shower and don’t even clean it!!! AND LET ME TELL YOU THIS… NO AMOUNT OF WASH AWAY TILE CLEANER RUBS THE STAINS OFF THOSE TILES WHEN YOU DAMN USE MY SHOWER…”
RanDuckoz gives blank look: “What do you want me to say?”
Girlfriend: “I don’t know”
RanDuckoz: “Background music”
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Cut to:
For some obscure reason, RanDuckoz has to join hands with Dawooz and is in the office of Politician Mamtoz.
Mamtoz: “You did good kiddo… by joining hands with us”
RanDuckoz: “No problem”
Mamtoz: “Secretary!! Get the bag”
Secretary brings a Louis Vitton oversized bag that is not a ladies purse, not a ladies bag, not a briefcase, not a suitcase… something between all that… and it’s pink in color.
RanDuckoz: “What’s this?”
Mamtoz: “Your baksheesh” (Hinglish : award-sheesh)
RanDuckoz takes the bag… thinks Good bag to give to Mom to get all the vegetables and groceries
RanDuckoz: “Thank you”
Mamtoz: “You are welcome”
Silence.
RanDuckoz: “What now?”
Mamtoz: “I don’t know”
RanDuckoz: “Background Music”
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But this is all a secret plain plan of RanDuckoz. Secretly he has been breaking Dawooz’s back by shitting in front of the houses of all the henchmen.
It gets all the media attention.
All print and news media wham the headlines with…
“WHO IS SHITTING IN FRONT OF DAWOOZ’S HENCHMEN’S HOUSES”
Mediagirl one holding mic that’s about to break into two, in front of Commissioner Satkeloz’s mouth… who by mistake in a moment uncontrollable thinks its some kind of a dildo and starts sucking on it.
Mediagirl: “Sir Sir!!! All this shit exposes where Dawooz is!!! Are you going to apprehend him???”
Commissioner Satkeloz: “We will try our level best. Infact if we can find a way to get through those coconut trees… we will apprehend Dawooz, but not for long, because we don’t have any proof of crimes against him”
Mediaman: “But Sir… Dawooz is a criminal who has been the cause of pain and suffering for Mumbai… surely you have something against him”
Commissioner Satkeloz: “Not yet. But after catching him we will put an Inquiry Commission who will find if Dawooz is guilty or not”
Mediaman: “And then?”
Commissioner Satkeloz: “I don’t know. Next question please”
Mediaman and Mediagirl are silent… actually frozen by shock… from Commissioner Satkeloz’s replies.
Commissioner Satkeloz shrugs: “Alright then…. Background Music”
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Cut to:
Dawooz caught but because of his connections bribes the Inquiry panel, the local minister, the Intelligence Bureau officers, the Mayor of Mumbai, the Chief Minister of Maharashtra, Gujarat and Karnataka, the gate keeper of Red Fort (by mistake), the Home Minister of India, the Prime Minister of India and Finally the Honorable President of India - who mistakes the cash sent to his house as some kind of a blueprint for an anti shitting project for Mumbai and last but not the least… the President of America… who thinks the green paper is some kind of special paper gifted from the people of India for rolling into a cigar.
RanDuckoz is angry.
RanDuckoz to Himself: “I AM ANGRY”
Himself to RanDuckoz: “GOOD… NOW LETS CROSS OUR EYE BROWS LOOK MENANCINGLY IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA AND FART SO HARD THAT THE SEAMS ON THE BACK OF THE PANT POPS OPEN”
RanDuckOz to Himself: “The only way to get Dawooz is to shit right in front of him!!!”
Himself to RanDuckoz: “How will you do that?”
RanDuckoz: “I don’t know”
Himself: “Good… time for a break… Background Music”
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Cut to:
Don Dawooz is being taken to the Inquiry Commission where it has generally been recognized that he is cleaner that Lord Ram, Prophet Mohamed, Jesus Christ and Guru Nanak combined (oz note: pardon me if I didn’t included any other religious revered names in this line up)
Dawooz comes out escorted on either side by Pandu Hawaldars (Hinglish : Esteemed Cops)
Dawooz is angry.
Dawooz: “Commissioner… I had asked you specifically… I want to be escorted to the Inquiry Commission, under protection from BLACK CAT COMMANDOES!!! WHERE ARE THEY?”
Commissioner Satkeloz: “Sorry Dawoozbhai… time was too short… we could not find any black cats in Mumbai who would wear the commando uniform..”
Suddenly out of nowhere, Inspector RanDuckoz jumps in front of the Dawooz…
RanDuckoz: “DAWOOZ… YOU HAVE BOUGHT THE INQUIRY… I TAKE JUSTICE IN MY OWN HANDS…”
Dawooz: “HA HA HA HA… what can you do???”
RanDuckoz: “I’LL SHIT RIGHT HERE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!”
Dawooz (in slow motion): “S… omebody… sssstoooooppp… hiiimmm”
Bullets firing all around… Pandu Hawaldars kill Dawooz with their firing… but do manage to hit RanDuckoz with 2 and a half bullets…
RanDuckoz looks up at Director Vishram Sawant: “So am I dead?”
Vishram Sawant: “I don’t know… let me think about it… why don’t you shit till I arrive at a decision?”
RanDuckoz: “Fuck man… Background Music”
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oz wakes up.
D Minus. With RISK, Vishram Sawant proves that oz is gullible. The promise - in spite of the many flaws seen in Sawant’s debut “D” was just not there in this one…
P.S. The movie has a bright spot. The opening credits show “Thanks to Anurag Kashyap”
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January 22nd, 2007 at 1:32 am
Holy shit…that was all the movie was about. Oz-bhai, thanks for taking all the pain you went through to warn us in advance.
ps: It’s been a long time your unfinished fiction series are lying orphaned. Waiting for the next installment from any one of those.
January 24th, 2007 at 8:50 am
You are brave beyond words to even contemplate going to a movie like this. 10 bucks and 4 hrs of your life gone which will never come back. The things we have to do to feed our empty brains. I have seen stuff like “Humko Deewana Kar Gaye” and “Brokeback Mountain” - So I guess we all make ourselves go through torture once in a while.