Desi Train

Backdrop: oz has received a call from Granny (Mom’s side) and Granny (Dad’s side). Ultimatum: Come to India and get married or else we will not be alive to see our 89th and 93rd birthdays respectively. Calls are followed by more calls from Dad (Come to India and get married or I will pluck out the last remaining hair on my skull and stop pouring your mom’s handmade stupid oil that grows hair on the arms but not on the head) and Mom (Come to India and get married or I will stop making gajjar ka halwa, aloo parathas, mutter rice, kadhi, saron ka saag etc… for your Dad, Granny, Granny, Neighbors in Nainital, Neighbors in Bombay, the 986 members of our family in Delhi, the 1287 members of our family- yet to be proved - living in Punjab and even you - whenever for the minuscule times we get to see you).

Flabbergast… oz takes the next flight to India. He has been called to Delhi instead of his own Bombay.

oz lands in Delhi.

Rewind….

oz is drinking on flight….

Fast forward…..

oz lands in Delhi on wobbly legs.

oz family greets oz at the airport. Then oz receives the following in order of their appearance…

SLAP (from Dad) … reason given “Ullu ke patthe you are DRUNK”

SLAP (from Mom)… reason given “HEY BHAGWAN you are DRUNK”

SLAP (from aunt)… reason given “You have NO SHAME!!!”

slap (from uncle)… reason given “Come on dude… sorry have to slap you, since I always follow your aunt’s footsteps”

SLAP (from younger cousin)… reason given “Saale Bhai… drinking by yourself and not bringing any videshi alcohol for me…”

Next Day.

oz with Mummy, Papa, Granny, Granny, Uncle, Uncle 2, Aunty, Cousin 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, Mom’s aunty’s uncle’s kid’s wife and her kid, Granny’s sister’s kid’s wife’s uncle and many others in the family take a “tempo” from Delhi to Bundlepoor, a small town 60 miles south east of Delhi.

After a harrowing 6 hour journey oz and entire family reaches Bundlepoor.

oz to Dad: “Why are we here?”

Dad to oz: SLAP

oz: “What the fuck was that for?”

Dad to oz: SLAP

oz: “SHIT SHIT SHIT… WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU”

Dad to oz: SLAP

Mom to oz: “Beta, we are here to see a girl for you…”

oz to Mom: “Whoa whoa whoa… so we are not here to see chane ka khet?”

Dad to oz: SLAP

oz to Dad: “NOW WHAT WAS THAT FOR?”

Mom to oz: “Beta Bundlepoor does not have an internet connection. That assures us that the girl and her family have not see your stupid desitrain blog that boasts of your many conquests of blondes or whatever you have been having immoral sex with”

oz to Mom: “MOM… I had sex with all of them with the best of intentions… there is nothing immoral about that!!!”

Dad to oz: SLAP

oz to Dad: “SHIT SHIT SHIT MAN WILL YOU STOP SLAPPING ME FOR ONCE”

Dad to oz: “OK”… pause for 2 seconds… SLAP

Background of girl and family of Bundlepoor:

Father: Expired
Mother: Expired
Guardian: Uncle: Fruit Vendor. Though no one has seen him selling fruits… EVER.
Guardian: Aunt: The 21st Century incarnation of Lalita Pawar, Bindu and Maddeline (someone who kicked me in the balls after sex in 2004)
Sibling: Younger cousin sister: Possessor of two ponytails, has a bucktooth, smiles incessantly and powders her face with Black and Ugly Anti-Fairness cream.

And

The Girl: Fair, Tall, Sings bhajans each morning which serves as an alarm to wake up the family, the neighbors, the cows, the buffaloes and the neighboring village. She goes to Ramdhan Gyandhan Mahila Callage situated at Ramdhan Gyandhan street opposite Ramdhan Gyandhan Chowk next to Ramdhan Gyandhan Yuvak Callage and Ramdhan Gyandhan Bal Vidyalaya. The principal and chief trustee of the the girl’s college is …. Ramdhan Gyandhan. The girl is Xtra large… shy and has an Xtra Long… smile… and speaks only few words and alphabets in shudh (pure) Hindi… that oz has never heard in his last 7 janams (births).

oz family and girl’s family sit on coir rope beds in the courtyard of the girl’s house. The fibres of the coir rope seem to be getting an erection, for they all point upwards penetrating oz’s Gap jeans and needling his ass. oz in pain but manages to stay still, for fear of invoking his dad’s wrath…

oz whispers to Mom: “These beds are pricking my ass”

Mom to oz: “Shhh”

Girl’s father: “So beta… what do you do in Ahmrica?”

oz thinking: Should I call him Uncle, Papa, Sir, Sasurji or owner of prickly khatiya?

oz to girl’s father: “I work as a director of a company in California”

Girl’s father to oz: “Is the poseeson bigger than a Manager or smaller than a Manager?”

oz to Girl’s father: “Bigger much much bigger”

Girl’s Uncle to oz: “So you directing movies in Halleedood?”

oz to girl’s Uncle: “No dude… what gave you the idea?”

Girl’s 2nd uncle to oz: “So you lying to us. You saying you director then saying you don’t directing moveej in Hal hal… whatever…”

oz’s Uncle to girl’s 2nd uncle: “Oh no no Bhaeesaab, this director is different from movie director. It is a position of a upper manager in America”

Girl’s 3rd uncle chewing datoon, and wearing stripe nala underwear steps out of the house into the courtyard… looks at oz… and spits datoon out: “Oh so doolha (bridegroom) has come with family. I like what I see… From my end it is ‘YES’”

oz to Mom: “Fuck… am I marrying this idiot or a girl”

Mom to oz: “Shhh…”

Mom to Girl’s father: “Please bring the girl… we are dying to see her”

Girl’s father to girl’s uncle: “Jao bring my daughter”

Girl’s uncle to Girl’s other uncle: “Go get her”

Girl’s other uncle to girl’s other aunt: “Bhootnee-kay… what you standing here… go get the idiot”

Girl comes out of the house into the courtyard. To her left is her Koyla chaap cousin. To her right is Lady Hitler… errr… her Aunt.

Girl is carrying Kesar Buffalo milk, in a copper LOTA (no english word yet - just think of a glass then use photoshop to make it 200 times bigger and now you have a lota), that has completely rusted causing it to look completely green. Inside and out. Result. The Kesar milk looks yellowish green in color.

oz’s Aunt to girl’s father: “She is so pretty. Why don’t we let girl and boy talk in ekant (alone)… after all it’s they who have to marry”

Girl’s second Uncle to oz:”Sure go ahead. Take her to the back. There is a chana ka khet. Talk and come back. But ladki ko haath lagaya to chane ke khet me kaat ke phek doonga”

oz gulps… gets up and starts walking with girl out of the house, on the street and towards the chana ka khet.

Girl is still carrying the milk lota, eyes down on the floor, her Dabur aamla hair desperately trying to flow in the breeze but can’t.

oz stops.

oz to Girl: “You know… I don’t know why… but my heart wants to tell you everything about my past. After all our future depends on how we have lived our past”

Girl to oz: small smile and small nod, eyes still on the ground.

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oz to Girl: “I grew up in Bombay, shagged a lot in the bathroom of my house and in the university. Travelled all around Asia, moved to California where I found my true passion was blonds. I dated over 50 blonds and have shagged with more 100… but somehow I never felt the connection with any of them… one that I feel with you right now… I don’t know why… maybe it’s your shyness… maybe it’s your fairness… maybe I’m bored of blonds and now like women with Dabur Aamla kesh tel in their hair… or perhaps it’s the lota you are carrying…”

Girl to oz: small smile and small nod, eyes still on the ground.

oz to Girl: “Is there something you would like to ask me?”

Girl to oz: “Kya aap bhains amrit nahin lenge?”

oz to Girl:”Bhains amrit? What is that?”

Girl to oz: “Buffalo milk”

oz take the copper lota from the girl and drinks the kesar bhains amrit.

oz to Girl: “So do you have any questions for me?”

Girl to oz: “No… I have received all my answers”

oz scratching head…

oz to Girl: “No really… this can’t be so easy… after all I’m a master of Pickup and know it can’t be this easy”

Girl to oz: “Nahin Swamy… I truly have no questions”

oz to Girl: “Who the fuck is Swamy?”

Fast Forward 5 minutes…

oz to Girl: “I think I’m falling sick”

Girl to oz: “Why?”

oz to Girl: “Must be the Milk… it makes me fart”

Girl to oz: “That is good sign of health… our entire family has milk in the morning and gets together in the courtyard to have a family fart”

oz to Girl: “WHAT THE HELL…. Family fart??????”

Girl to oz: “Yes… it lets us all know who is the healthiest of us all… the louder the fart the healthier the person… and you know what…”

oz to Girl: “What?”

Girl to oz: (shyly) “I’m the healthiest in my family”

oz to Girl: “Now I don’t know what to say”

Girl to oz: “So do you like me?”

oz looks at girl’s face, her tits, her ass… mini me wakes up…

oz to Girl: “Oh yes… I’ve never seen a prettier girl in the whole of …. Bundlepoor”

Girl to oz: “And I’ve never met a dashing handsome guy as you before… ”

oz to Girl: “So does this mean a “yes” to marriage?”

Girl to oz: small smile, small nod and eyes to the ground.

Girl’s third uncle arrives on scene. Looks at oz and gets angry

Girl’s third uncle to oz: “KUTTE KAMEENE MAIN TERA KHOON PEE JAOONGA”

oz to girl’s third uncle: “Why? What happened? I never touched her?”

Girl’s uncle looks at oz’s zipper: “THEN WHY THE HELL IS YOUR MINI ME POINTING AT HER?”

oz thinking fast - SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

oz not thinking - RUN FUCK RUN

oz in action - Running past the girl’s house screaming to his family: “RUN RUN THE GIRL’S UNCLE IS OUT TO GET ME”

Girl’s third uncle running behind oz: “KUTTEEEEEEEEEE”

Girl running behind third uncle: “SWAMYYYYYYYYYYY”

oz’s Dad slaps forehead picks up Granny. oz’s Uncle picks up the other granny. Cousin 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and all relatives stand up and start running towards the tempo…

oz trying to start tempo.

Won’t start….

oz’s family starts pushing tempo.

Girl’s third uncle running after the tempo with a rusted-made-in-956BC sword.

Fast forward two hours…

oz to Family: “Shit what the hell was all that about…”

Dad to oz: SLAP

Mom to oz: “You must have done something that made the girl’s family drive us out of Bundlepoor”

oz protests: “I DID NOOOTHING”

Dad to oz: SLAP

oz: “SHIT SHIT SHIT WHY AM I BEING SLAPPED HERE…. OH OK I MAY HAVE BEEN A LITTLE TURNED ON BY THE GIRL BUT I SWEAR I DIDN’T TOUCH HER…. WAS JUST A BIT TURNED ON”

Dad to oz: SLAP

oz screams: “THIS IS FUCKING Nightmare… Atleast the Sooraj Barjatya movie Vivaah that we saw last night was so much better than reality”

Granny to oz: “Yeah it was. See the boy was so sweet and so full of high morals. No girls, no tobacco, no drinking and look at you… Hey Ram… why didn’t you call me up in heaven before letting me see this idiot of a grandson”

oz: “HOW THE FUCK IS IT MY FAULT IF I AM NOT WHAT SHAHID KAPOOR WAS? But I must admit he did a decent job… so did Amrita Rao who now reminds me of the girl from Bundlepoor”

Aunt to oz: “You are such a gone case. How can we ever expect to get you married?”

oz: “Hey it’s all my family’s fault. Vivah had a Sooraj Barjatya who is soo good at creating those sugar saccharine family oriented movies of the old times. He does it with passion and sincerity and that’s why may be he strikes the right balance… well most of the times… though he did go over the top in Main Prem ki Diwani hoon… I wish I had someone of Sooraj’s capabilities in my family so I could get married”

Uncle to oz: “What are you talking about? It’s you and your fucking mini me that gets in the way of your marriage.”

oz : “UNCLE… Don’t say a word against my mini-me… I WON’T TAKE IT LIGHTLY… Have you seen the support Shahid Kapoor and Amrita Rao had in Vivah? Anupam Kher, Alok Nath, Samir Soni, Lata Sabharwal, Manoj Joshi, Seema Biswas among many others… the ideal character actors for any occassion in Bollywood…. what do I have in my family… A father who keeps slapping, a mom who keeps cooking, an aunt who keeps honking, an uncle who keeps following her, two grannies who keep me bored, 9 cousins who keep hammering and these 900 members of our family who just sit here watching us as if we are a movie or a television show for them….”

Dad to oz: SLAP

oz exasperated: “SHIT SHIT SHIT YOU PROVE MY POINT… I LOVE VIVAH MUCH BETTER THAN THIS FUCKING TRIP TO BUNDLEPOOR….. We need people like Sooraj too, to keep giving us those sugary sweet moments in cinema whether we may like it or not…

Hence Vivaah is a C+ in my books. Can watch even with a lot of disturbance on a lazy Sunday afternoon…”

Dad to oz: SLAP

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This entry was posted on Thursday, January 4th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
Filed under Bollywood, Movie Reactions
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