A Day… Disoriented
For those with whom I don’t share stuff in emails… perhaps this post would give you a sneak glimpse of the churning of events in the last few days… or perhaps not… Went to bed pissed at someone… Why can’t people use their brains… Emailed the guy in crystal clear words… He comes back playing the same rant on his drums… I felt like hammering his head to a mashed potato state…
It’s all disoriented today… Early morning I’m in the men’s room at work holding my mini-me… standing… waiting… I know I had to pee… and as I stared at the wall in front… some thoughts flew by and so I ran after those thoughts… A few people came and went… I just stood there… me holding mini-me… I guess it was about 5 minutes before realizing the stupidity of my act…
Go into the break room… pour coffee, cream and turn around, go towards the table pick up the salt and pour some in my coffee… midway through the act of pouring I realize - what the fuck???
Another email from the guy. A hammer floats in front of my eyes. He still doesn’t get it. I’m pissed. I fucking need a break.
For the last four weeks I’ve been sleeping after midnight and getting up around 5. Mornings start with checking emails. Many from DT and PFC write in. Some are pissed at someone. Some didn’t get what I was asking of them to do. Some egos to be massaged. Some bleeding to be stopped. Many calls to make. Convince people about my sincere intentions and if they aren’t in for the love of it, show them the benefits of speaking on a global platform. Japan to Korea. India to England. Canada to Brazil. People passionate about cinema receive calls from a guy with a weird name - oz.
And then I go back to emails. Some fires were put off, before going on my world calling spree. Some are still raging on. Building blocks I carefully put together spending weeks on them, get destroyed in a fraction of a moment… fear the same could happen to others…
Text messages, a few more emails and a couple of callers… Media wants to interview me… I can’t… have a bad feeling about one interview I gave and the journalist won’t show me what’s being published. Everyone is using everyone. I feel like a prostitute at times… one that is just fucked… for free. A use and throw entity called oz…
Still a stern, disciplined arm holds everything together behind the curtains… the show should run… and go on… no matter what fucked up idiots, situations and groups I have to deal behind those closed curtains. A few people’s lives are changing. They are getting what they want and had dreamed of. I’m happy.
Life is changing… or is it? A bigger project shoved in my lap by my new boss… I’m screwed… for the first time I had this deep insight that I hated my job…
A fear that I don’t know a thing to survive in this world? What will I do?… Sometimes years of confidence and focus, melt in a fraction, in that moment of confusion or sadness or pain… I am changing… It’s been years since I was so pissed on a person… short of telling him to get the fuck out… some people you talk to aren’t people… they are eating, drinking, breathing coconuts… it’s a harsh word… I am so disoriented today…
A college friend emails from India… he took his kid to meet my parents… they loved his kid… and then they cried… I know they want to see grandchildren playing in their laps… I wish I could find the right one and have children… destiny… I murmured over the phone as I lit a cigarette… too many beliefs… to many desires… too many people… I need a break.
I miss those precious days spent in those hills of Kumaon… the secluded village near Madras, the hidden ashram near Almorah. No desires… no give… no take… just bliss… pure, unadulterated. 200 dollars for Swamiji’s seminar of “moksha” says the white woman on the phone… does she even know what a Swami is? It’s fucked up. Los Angeles mein spirituality maili ho gayee… commerical spiritualism… just go for it… Sure…
It’s one of those fucked up days that had to come one day or the other… things piling up… stress? nah? Perhaps it’s time to make another weeklong trip to Sedona… the only place I’ve found that brings me close to my Kumaon experiences.
Yeh nahin karega toh aur kya karega?… I don’t know, no answer to that question. Perhaps it’s time for a change. Face the fear dude… dude has no fear… just an empty tiredness… today is such a disoriented day… I’m lost… and wish not to be found… time to be be lost and stay there… until another day comes… when it cries out to me… to come out… and kick some ass…
Almost deleted the page… what the fuck… I’m so utterly… disoriented… today…
November 28th, 2006 at 2:47 pm
Hang in there buddy! There are days and then there are some….
November 28th, 2006 at 3:06 pm
i’m not a wise man, but….you need to distribute your workload. don’t be a Shaktiman!
November 28th, 2006 at 5:06 pm
Hang in there buddy!
http://www.duiops.net/seresvivos/galeria/ranassapos/Hang%20in%20There,%20Red%20Tree%20Frogs.jpg
November 28th, 2006 at 5:51 pm
- anang, :d love the pic!!!
- hg, thanks… but I am shaktiman… ;)
- anantha, well said… thanks bud.. :)
November 28th, 2006 at 6:17 pm
most of us see only what’s in front of the curtains, every day the kind of joy I receive and share thanks to PFC is inexplicable. From the early days when you announced the creation of PFC in DT to getting all the tremendously passionate people on board, from where I looked, it was such a smooth ride. I should’ve known better, but as you put it rightly, it’s worth it. Some lives are changing, some grounds are shaking, many are learning and sharing and above all enjoying it.
I wish you luck, may you find that is needed to carry on the show to even greater heights.
November 28th, 2006 at 9:13 pm
Oz dont worry …. Rememebr -”this is just a passing phase” ….. as the pic shows … just stick to ur vision and goals…. dnt be bothered by anything else….
hang in there … we’re with u :-)
November 28th, 2006 at 9:51 pm
Hope things are OK now….sometimes a short break helps
November 28th, 2006 at 11:33 pm
Hi oz, well, like the other guys sid. Hang in there and this too will pass. Look on the brighter side of things……..you have these two great forums where your contributions are immensely appreciated. I know that a lot of us look forward to your posts everyday so while you might encounter a nutfuck every now and then you have a kumbh mela full of admirers. We might know each other by face but I am sure in your readers you have lots of friends!!!
So take care and much love from all of us.
November 28th, 2006 at 11:35 pm
Oops, couple of spelling mistakes etc in #8.
I meant to say”we might NOT know each other….”
November 29th, 2006 at 6:32 am
OZ:
This is most readable post I read in last 14 days time!!! You have destiny of a writer and you will become one.
24 hours later (or perhaps since begining when you started writing this post) you may feel that its not you in the post but the writer residing inside you.
Perhaps we readers at PFC and DT know what you are talking about or perhaps we dont know or we know to some extent only. You are above that sufferer and writer and sometimes amalgamation can be there between suferer and writer but ultimately intelligent mind like you know whats the reality of the day and night and present time.
Would that you had not mentioned that parent’s chapter in your post, it has brought in a real pain.
But life is mixture of emotions and you cant avoid it.
I guess you are a soul who should delve in poetry but somehow you are trying to avoid so many things in present life.:)
Who wrote on PFC that RGV says that I am here to use you and I dont mind if you use me. Thats the wonderful saying by RGV.
Dont know we shd write comments on this post or not. But lets take it as a post and then comments have to flow.:)
Jate jate, your post is good material to be used in films as it has visual scenes. AK has read it?:-?
You will be remembered and mentioned to start DT and PFC forever. There is a poem by Tagore which has summary in one line
whatever I did or do w’d never go waste
all the songs, paintings, poems will always be there on earth…. somethinh something
November 29th, 2006 at 7:45 am
yeh nahin karega to kya karega….havent we all heard that before.
My only suggestion is that you channelise this confusion to a) either change ur career if you really want to and do it now becoz there never will be a “good or safe time”. b) try to understand what really works for u - what is it that makes u tick?
Bro, we can go thru life with regrets - kaash wo kiya hota…. but,sometimes u need to take life by the balls - scream “fuck you - I am bigger and better than what you take me to be” and start the journey of a lifetime. These moments are rare when we have the courage to stare at the next invisible 30 years without the fear of failure. If u have had such a moment then explore it.
If you just had a fuckall day - have a bath, smoke some more, curse your boss, see a fun movie, drink some and go to sleep.
November 29th, 2006 at 8:12 am
Oz,
Dude… you are stressed….take a chill pill ans relax. Spend a day on the beach… or take a few days off and go skiing if the ski resorts are open in N California. Like some one said: you need to delegate some of this work to somebody.
Have an awesome day.
Cliff
November 29th, 2006 at 11:05 am
- Prasanth, Thanks dude… yes a lot goes on behind the scenes… but yes… it’s all worth it… to see 14000 visitors daily jumping with delight at the passion, euphoria, knowledge, connections on these pages… of PFC and DT
- Kartik, thanks… now get your ass over to Vishal and his wife and ask both of them to become bloggers - “PRONTO” - got your text message at 5am as I just got off my bed. Happy to see you in such a mindblowing out of the world state of mind…
- Bishu, Thanks for caring… yes breaks do help.
- UJ, your comment just made me roll up my sleeves and get ready to kick some ass. Thanks for that… and I thought I was the Motivation Injector… :)
- RK, :) I could actually touch the emotions in that comment. Thanks for those words. Something I write a few years ago…
Ek mausam, ek pal, ek khayal…
he kafee hain dil par bojh rakhne ko…
kehte bhee kuch nahin enhen…
bojh jo meetha lagta hain…
bahut kuch karna bakee tha…
pur bahut kar chale humpar…
zalim…
ek mausam, ek pal, ek khayal
:)
- Sophocles, thanks for that… it helps to reflect on a situation for a third person’s point of view… sheeshe se dhuan hut gaya hain
- Cliff, You know you’re right. NoCal is far away… BigBear here is an hour’s drive. Waiting for the snow to go up there and do some skiing, rum, and blondes.
;)
November 29th, 2006 at 11:42 am
Oz Totally get what you are going through, had a major disoriented day myself…after massive venting on my soundboards…I am feeling sooo goood….try it it just might work!
vi
November 29th, 2006 at 4:25 pm
Hang in there buddy. No passion, even the one for cinema, is too great than your inner peace. Sedona seems to be a good idea. When the sight of a certain place brings back memories, let your mind relive these instants; then, when memories fade away, one step further, is when you feel the peace. Trust me on this.
When possible, go back to reading - books are the best pals. Have you read Vignana Bhairava?
jalasyevormayo vahner jvâlâbhangyah prabhâ raveh |
mamaiva bhairavasyaitâ vis’vabhangyo vibheditâh ||
” Waves are born of the ocean and get lost in it, flames arise and die, the sun shows up then vanishes. Everything finds its source in spatiality and returns to it. So will you. ”
Reading some of your lines, however, I could see my parents - 4 years ago. I am not suggesting anything. Not in my place. I know you will do the right thing, at the right time. Good luck my friend. Glad you chose to share this with us. Sorry you had to share this with us.
November 30th, 2006 at 3:54 am
Oz,
do you have full poem of this mood? It must be good.
There is Susha fonts for hindi typing which you can download from
http://www.abhivyakti-hindi.org/abhi/hindi_shusha_fonts_dl_help.htm
Is it possible to use this font at PFC also as then people may read poetry and sher etc used in the posts in right format
once you type your poem in Susha Font you may send it to
http://www.anubhuti-hindi.org/
at ” teamanu@anubhuti-hindi.org“
November 30th, 2006 at 3:54 am
By God ki kasam:)
November 30th, 2006 at 3:55 am
By God ki kasam:)
>14000 clicks/day.
someone writes script of PFC rocks?:d
November 30th, 2006 at 12:25 pm
@rk…. Oz has a book full of poems he has written dating way back to 1991….When we were in the mood of booze and Gulzar…Oz, brings out his immense collection of poems…all fantastic!!!!