Desi Train

Sirjee, Sirjee, Sirjee… what… what… what is going on????

Calm down Betelal. Take deep breaths. Trash the Kajol and Krrish dolls you are carrying. Sit down and tell me what the hell do you mean by “what is going on???”

Sirjee… It’s been more than a year since that buggar has let us on the Train. I’m upset. I’m very upset.

First of all – when you say buggar – it sounds like burger. Secondly, what buggar and what Train?

Oh Sirjee… you are so naïve. I’m talking of the idiot oz from Desitrain.com. He has not given us an opportunity to get on the Desi Train for almost a year now.

HA HA HA… Betelal. We don’t need the Desi Train. The Desi Train needs us. So when oz gets the time to get his head out of those pink pussies he is so obsessed with, he will come to us

What? But we don’t have pussies!!! You mean… you mean he is turning gay? SHIT I DON’T WANT TO BE ON THE DESI TRAIN NOW

Sometimes Betelal, I think God’s machine - that stuffs intelligence into our brains must have broken down when he was making you. No he is not turning gay you fool. What I am saying you stupid idiot, is that oz is more focused on chasing blondes these days and doesn’t have the time to think of anything else. But now the time has come. Blonde time is over. It’s Sirjee and Betelal time.

Dhanya ho Sirjee, Dhanya ho. How did you found out oz-dhakan is bored with blondes?

Because he recently made a trip to Brazil

Brazil? Sirjee, what does Brazil have to do with oz inviting us back on Desi Train?

Well Betelal, it’s a long story. But first let me clarify the word “Brazil”. It is not the country that I’m referring to

Huh? Brazil is also the name of something else Sirjee? I never knew that! Pray Sirjee, tell us what it is.

Brazil is just a part of the entire term … Brazilian Waxing

Brazil? Waxing? Brazilian Waxing? My head is spinning Sirjee. What is Brazilian Waxing?

Betelal, before I get into explaining egg heads like you about Brazilian Waxing, let me start with why oz went for Brazilian Waxing

Why Sirjee Why?

This chap oz would be doing and making porn had it not been for God’s divine intervention that did not allow him to stray off the path. But the influence remained. He wanted to get a total makeover that would make him look like a porn star.

But Sirjee I’ve heard that his mini-me is no where like that of a porn star. Someone told me the other day that his mini-me is worse than the thinnest smallest toothpick.

That is true Betelal. So pathetic is his mini me that a strong wind blowing by sweeps his mini me along with it. I think he’s seriously thinking of getting mini-me implants – you know just like those breast implants

Oh! I didn’t know that Sirjee. What will he call his mini-me after getting that surgery? Silicon-me?

Why the fuck should I care what he calls his mini-me? It’s not my or your mini-me. So shut up and listen to the rest of the story

Sorry Sirjee. Please go ahead.

Since oz is obsessed with porn stars and on the other hand is a sucker for experimentation, he fell for a challenge thrown by his blonde date one evening.

What challenge Sirjee?

That oz shave all his hair in and around his private parts

You mean no black thunder down under?

Yes Betelal, exactly

But I thought oz shaves his hairy blossom that hides his non-existent mini-me.

He does. But shaving isn’t safe, and neither did it ever give me - sorry - him, that porn star look. So when his blonde date suggested GETTING IT ALL WAXED, he readily agreed

WAXING HAIR OVER HIS MINI-ME?

And mini-me’s twins

BALLS TOO!!!

And the ass

WHAT!!!!!!!! THIS IS CRAZY

No it isn’t Betelal. Remember oz lives in a crazy place where crazy people make crazy things look very legitimate. And here is where Brazilian Waxing comes in Betelal. When you get your mini-me, balls and ass waxed – that is know as Brazilian Waxing

Sirjee, I want to throw up!

Get out of my house, throw up and come back in for the rest of the story

WHAT!!!!! THERE IS MORE???

Yes. The story proceeds to oz’s day of the appointment when he drove to the spa for his appointment.

How do you know all this Sirjee?

Because I read oz’s diary. Here, take a look at these pages of his diary…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

oz’s Diary. Top Secret. Do not touch. Will cause heart attack or an electric shock.

Lund date September 15 dot 15 September dot Zero slash six.

I am nervous. I am scared. I feel cold. In an hour I’ll be getting my privates waxed. My super big dick will come out of the bushes. The jungle will be cleared. I am nervous.

Blonde-jee agrees to drive me to the Spa, where she’s booked me an appointment. It seems not all Spas handle Brazilian waxing. It’s hard to find one, one that is good at it.

But according to Blonde-jee, this spa has an expert at Brazilian waxing. “C” is very famous here in Orange County.

I hope she knows what she does. I don’t want her ripping away my super big dick along with the hair while waxing.

The nervous increases when Blonde-jee explains in great detail of what happens in Brazilian waxing.

“Basically you are taken into a small room. You get naked. You lie down. Put you legs up and then touch your knees to your chest till she is done waxing”

I’m getting nervous. Very nervous. WHY THE HELL DID I AGREE TO DO THIS? WHY?

Blonde-jee is driving. I’m squirming in my seat. We are 10 minutes away from the Spa. Each minute looks like an hour. And then for some strange reason Blonde-jee decides to take the streets to reach the spa, instead of the freeway. “We’ll reach faster” she assures.

Street driving is slow. Very slow. VERY VERY FUCKING SLOW. THE TENSION IS INCREASING.

I SCREAM – WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU GETTING SOME KIND OF A FUCKING JOY BY DRIVING SLOW?

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She replies I’m just nervous and should calm down.

We reach the Spa. Three hot porn stars – sorry – receptionists greet us. I have a form to fill.

Do you have allergies? No
Did you take a bath? Yes
Have you done waxing before? FUCK NO
Are you pregnant? WHAT THE FUCK! NO AND NEVER WILL BE!

“C” arrives. “Hi oz! Come lets go”

I clasp Blonde-jee and take her along with me into the dungeon. No way am I going to go alone in that horror chamber.

We enter a small room. It is small. Dark. Two white lights from the ceiling dimly light up the whole hole that we three find ourselves in. “C” locks the door.

“Ok now take your clothes off and lie down here.”

I’m nervous. Blonde-jee assures it will be ok. She’s done it before. She assures me that “C” is good.

The only time when I say “good” with respect to a good looking women is when she is hot. Not when she is capable and certified to rip my privates off my body.

I nervously take my clothes off. Trust me. I’ve always dreamed of being naked with two women in bed. But in this situation you don’t want to take your clothes off. You don’t want to be with two women in bed. You DON’T WANT TO BE IN THE FUCKING ROOM!!!

So I take my clothes off and lie on the bed. Naked. Head to Toe.

“C” comes to me. “Would you like the green wax or the blue wax?”

Green wax? Blue wax? FUCK!!! PUT ANYTHING YOU WANT AND GET IT OVER WITH QUICK.

“C” puts her gloves on. And holds my mini-me and moves it to the right. “Hold this there like this so I can get your balls done”

My mini-me does not feel like a mini-me anymore. It feels like a surgical tool.

Hot wax. Rip Rip Rip. Hot wax. Rip Rip Rip. Hot wax. Rip Rip Rip. My eyes are tightly shut. I am more concerned about she commenting on my mini-me like “Let me get a microscope to locate your mini-me”

Mercifully she has powerful eyesight.

Balls done. Tush done.

“Take your legs up and touch the knees to your chest”

You may have heard of the phrase – “I’m screwed”

You may never have been in a “physical” position to justify the term “I’m screwed”

I just got into that position.

Holding my knees to my chest. My ass is directly exposed. Heart beats go up. Pulse rate increases. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Sweat drips down. And then I have a thought…

I hope I don’t fart

God is kind. I don’t.

I dread to think of the scene again. Me naked. Leg up. Knees on the chest. Ass. Exposed. “C”. Standing right in front of my ass. Colonoscopy? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Hot wax pours on ass. Rip Rip Rip. Hot Wax Rip Rip Rip. Hot Wax Rip Rip Rip. My eyes. Deeply staring at the wall on my right. Directly at the picture that “C” is hung on the wall.

Picture of a Male Model. Bare chest. Iron Jaw. Shoulder length hair. Looking. Looking at me. Me. Me, naked and exposed ass.

Not a good feeling.

My legs sub consciously start moving down.

“Take your legs up oz”

I slowly pull them back up. Eyes. Stare at the wall. Picture on wall. Male model. Looking. At me. Legs move down.

“WILL YOU TAKE YOU LEGS UP?”

I slowly pull them back up. Eyes. Stare at the wall. Picture on wall. Male model. Looking. At me. Legs move down.

“C” in her 7 years of Brazilian waxing must have seen this a lot. Legs moving down again and again. So she has invented a trick to get the legs up without having to repeat “Please move your legs up”

She uses the trick.

She squeezes my balls. My brain registers a feeling. Feeling = Pain = MY FUCKING BALLS ARE BEING CRUSHED BY A CRAZY MOTHER FUCKING BRAZILIAN WAXING LADY

Legs move up. And stay there, till the job is done.

An hour later Blonde-jee and I start walking out of the Spa. Funny feeling. Strange feeling. Actually a good feeling. The curtain between my underwear and my skin down under has been lifted. It feels good. Quite good.

I come home, undress and look in the mirror.

I LOOK LIKE A PORN STAR.

At 99% image reduction.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And there you have it Betelal… oz’s trip to Brazil…

Sirjee – perhaps I should get an appointment with “C”… you know every grass needs to be cut. Plus the green wax, blue wax thingy looks yummily kinky.

Betelal, Shut up, get up, and get out

Thank you Sirjee for all this information. Should I get you an appointment too?

If you want your ass kicked on Desi Train

Sorry Sirjee. But Sirjee, how did you manage to get a hold of oz’s diary?

While I was teaching him Kundalini Waxing

KUNDALINI WHAT????

A story for another day Betelal. Now get out. Be good, stay safe and have a rocking weekend

Thank you Sirjee. I will be good, stay safe and have a waxing weekend.

Shut up Betelal

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This entry was posted on Friday, October 13th, 2006 at 11:55 am
Filed under Comedy, Friday Masala
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