Desi Train

This weekend saw me experiencing the Good, the not-so-Bad and the without-any-doubt-Ugly. From the high of watching The Departed (review coming soon on PFC), to a praying for a forward motion Pyaar Ke Side Effects to crash landing on your head with Naksha.

Which simply leaves you with pain, disappointment, depression, loneliness, a hammer and your still miraculously intact head.

Saturday afternoon was spent watching Pyaar Ke Side Effects. Sunday noon was Naksha time. By Monday morning your brains have turned into scrambled shit. For no reason at all, the hangover has left you with a movie you watched, but didn’t watch – Naksha ka Side Effects.

Characters from one movie now seem to be acting in the other. If someone shits in one movie, it lands up in the scenes of the other one. You are praying. Someone help you out of this misery. But there is no escape.

Hence with great pain you sit down and draw a line in the middle of a blank page. To the left you write what you saw in PKSE. To the right is what you saw in Naksha. The page, on which you finish writing about the two movies, now appears to be something that resembles Charmin Toilet Paper.

Pyaar Ke Side Effects

You feel for director Saket Choudhary and writers Saket himself along with Pratibha Acharya. How cutie cutie story they both try to attempt. In the process they end up creating a whole new genre in movie making. Screenwriting Influence ke Side Effects.

Clearly. Both Saket and Pratibha have grown up on an overdose of Hollywood chick flicks and love stories. Besides, perhaps, oz’s writings on Mini-me.

So we have a 30 something DJ (Rahul Bose) talking to Ms. BBB (Boobs, Bitchy, Bhayankar a.k.a. Mallika Sherawat) on the night of her marriage (to someone else). She escapes marriage, meets DJ by accident, in aamchi Mumbai and they start dating for the next 3 years.

What happens next?

Watch Meet the Parents.

End of Story.

A cross between The Runaway Bride (Julia Roberts) and Meet the Parents and another half a dozen Hollywood chick flicks, watching PKSE is like watching a stand up comedy, where the comedian ends up reading the entire New York Times or any other fucking newspaper that you get in your city.

It reminds you of another similar movie that gave you just about the same side effects. Rules : Pyaar Ka Superhit Formula.

So while the story tries to be funny, you just don’t get to crack a smile except for a few seconds here and there. Yes, there are a few dialogues which end up being genuinely funny but that’s it.

Seriously, is this what the media will now call an “above average” venture? A handful of good scenes don’t make up a movie just as your underwear can’t be called a pant that you can wear to work.

Rahul Bose’s “attempts” to earnestly work out a good comedy are just too artificial. In fact Mallika Sherawat excels in many scenes, I guess, due to the fact that the character may be too close to the actor in reality.

On the other hand, the movie doesn’t send you to your psychiatrist. So yeah…

C Minus. Every attempt should be made to watch this movie on one of those nights, when sleep is impossible to come by.

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Naksha

What happens when writer Milap Zaveri, Tushar Hiranandani join hands with director Sachin Bajaj?

You get a splitting headache, an acute diarrhea and a sudden run to the nearest temple on a cold night where you push the temple doors open. The ghantis, ghantas, bells in the temple are swinging left and right and their sound echoes all around. You take two ghantis in your left hand. Two in your right hand. And you bang them hard on your forehead.

And as you start banging those bells on your forehead, you scream to MA’s idol in front of you

“AAJ KHUSH TO BAHUT HOGE TUM. KHUSH TO BAHUT HOGE TUM. MUJHE YEH MENTAL TORTURE DEKE…. KHUSH TO BAHUT HOGE TUM”

Anger turns to pain, naturally transcending into depression.

“MUJHSE KAUN-SE JANAM KA BADLA LE RAHE HO BHAGWAN. MUJHE MAAF KAR DO BHAGWAN MUJHE MAAF KAR DO”

The bells slips out of your grasp and you fall on the marble floor crying your heart out. There is no hope.

When you are inspired from Hollywood flicks like National Treasure and such Treasure Hunt movies and then you go to the nearest Photocopy shop to Xerox the original script of The Rundown – you come out of the photocopy shop with a screenplay of Naksha.

No use getting into the story. No point at all.

Really, is Sunny Deol getting this desperate?

And what happened to Vivek Oberoi who blew you away with his performance in Company? How did he manage to learn to IRRITATE you so much with his OVER the TOP acting? More Importantly, WHO THE FUCK IS TEACHING HIM ACTING THESE DAYS?

“Oberoi is over acting” is the biggest understatement of the year. Really is there a new process in Bollywood where you get to “unlearn” your skills in acting?

Sameera Reddy is a worthy partner to Oberoi in the “let’s irritate the viewer” section. While Jackie Shroff tries his best to underplay his role which doesn’t equate to anything in this shoddy script.

Seriously, Milap Zaveri and Tushar Hiranandani need to find some other job. This can’t be happening. How can two of the crappiest writers get work after work, while some of the talented writers are desperate to get their next square meal.

And I object to God’s law that the SHITTIEST OF DIRECTORS/PRODUCERS should have all the money to make movies while the real talented people of cinema live and die by the sidewalk next to these rich filthy bastards’ homes.

If Sachin Bajaj, still calls himself a “Director”, then I’m calling myself a Gynecologist from now on.

F Minus. Take your dick out, pee on the DVD and return it back to where it came from.

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This entry was posted on Monday, October 9th, 2006 at 9:23 am
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