Desi Train

Dear oz,

With great regret do I have to inform you that your title of being the idiotic joker of an asshole amongst all human beings has been taken away, withdrawn and conferred upon someone else, by the committee.

You will be glad to know that this “someone else” is also from India, but unlike you, her beauty has mesmerized the world.

Also, for your information, from now the name of our committee “Fuckedup Assholes Group of Garbage and Looney Lameheads” (FAGall) is being changed to “Spicy Holistic Association for Garbage and Looney Lameheads” (SHAGall).

If a lady wins our committee’s award she will be conferred the title of “Miss Stress of Spices” and in case of a gentleman it will be “Mister Duress of Spices”

But in the future, if you can come up with something much worse and idiotic than this Beauty from India, we will change the title to “Asshole of Spices” and confer it back upon you. Somehow our committee agrees that we need to keep the word “Spices” in our title.

If you have any questions, please do not bother to email, write, telephone, text message, SMS or deliver your questions in person. We will not be able to answer any of your stupid questions, as it is quite difficult and stressful for us to decipher, even your least stupid questions.

With Warm Regards,

Pinheaded Head of the Committee
SHAGall, California
(formerly FAGall, California)

oz’s blood starts boiling. How in the world could they? Do they mean there is a bigger A-Hole on Mother Earth? Do they mean there is somebody who’s a bigger Idiot? And that too a woman?

oz dashes out of his house, and starts driving his car, straight to San Francisco. Miss Stress of Spices (MiSoS) lives in San Francisco. It is time for oz to meet her and confront her.

Six hours later the car stops in front of a spice shop right in front of Pier 39 in San Francisco.

oz opens the door (of the car) and enters the door (of the store). The beautiful green eyed MiSoS stands there with a handful of black pepper in her palms. They both look at each other. Somehow they both know who each other is.

oz goes first ‘MiSoS?’

She looks at him with her innocent-blank-blank eyes “Asshole?”

‘Yeah it’s me. I drove all the way from Los Angeles to talk to you. How could you take away my most priced possession? How could you take my title away from me?’

“I… don’t… know… what… you… are… talking… about… SHAGall… called… me… the… other… day… and… said… I… was… a… better… moron… than… you… are…”

oz is confused at her dialogue delivery ‘What? Why are talking like that to me?’

“Cause… it’s… a… curse… wrapped… in… a… boon… If… I… speak… faster… the… magic… of… my… spices… will… leave… and… I… will… become… a… normal… person… who… has… no… magic”

‘Oh so you are a magic woman who cures people using your spices! Now I realize why SHAGall want the word spices in their title. So what do you do?’

“I… cure… people… with… my… spices”

‘And how do you know which spice cures what? And could you atleast try to attempt to speak a little bit faster. Listening to you is making my speech… go… slower… you… see’

“The… spices… talk… to… me… and… hence… I… know… what… spice… to… give… to… whom… As… to… your… second…. Question… I… told… you… that… I… cannot… speak… faster… because… it… will… make… me… lose… my… magic… I… do… speak… fast… when… I’m… angry… or… very… horny”

‘Horny? But… how… the… hell… did… you… SHIT I’M TALKING JUST LIKE YOU… So what did you do to convince the SHAGall committee that you are a bigger moron?’

“By… giving… them… cardamom… which… built… their… attraction… towards… me”

‘YOU CHEATED!’

“You are now… making me… very angry by… calling me a CHEATER!!! You are warned… I will kick RED CHILLIES… UP YOUR ASS… IF YOU DON’T STOP. THEY WILL BURN ALL YOUR ASS HAIR AND YOU WILL CRY IN PAIN WHEN THEY BURN”

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‘HA!!! TRY ME! I’ve just come back from Brazil and your red chillies will have no effect on my ass.’

“What the hell… has… Brazil… got to do… with ass hair????”

‘NOT TELLING YOU CHEATER… That is a story for another day on Desi Train’

“GET OUT OF MY STORE… I’M GETTING VERY ANGRY. BE WARNED I WILL SPRINKLE YOU WITH CURRY LEAVES THAT WILL MAKE YOU SMELL OF CURRY IN FRONT OF YOUR BLONDE GIRLFRIENDS”

‘Shit!’

“Yes no… kidding… NOW RUN”

‘Hey you don’t have to be this rude! I know you have a childish accent, you are “acting” all the time - that every Tom Dick and Harry can easily see, YOU ARE ACTING. IT IS SO FAKE. Who the hell is running this store?’

“Paul Mayeda Berges, husband of Gurinder Chadha”

‘But I thought it was Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni’

“She was, but Paul bought the rights of the store and made it his own… now if you are done please leave”

‘I have no clue what Anupam Kher was doing in such a stupid store. Though I don’t blame him. He’s known to visit such stupid stores in the past’

“SHUT UP BEFORE I THROW THE DEVIL’S-DUNG ON YOU”

‘Ok ok I’m leaving… this could have been such a beautiful masala store serving a bedtime story for grown up kids like me. But you and that Baida (Hinglish: Egghead) chap have just turned it into something so awful awful awful’

“I HAVE A HORSERADISH IN MY HAND AND IT WILL TURN YOU INTO A HORSE IF YOU DON’T GET OUT”

‘I’m leaving I’m leaving. But hey was that Padma Lakshmi moving between aisle 5 and 6 of your store? Hey she just left! What was she doing here for 2 minutes!!! Holy God! That’s Ayesha Dharkar coming in! Shit, she just left too. What’s going on here? People are popping in and out as if this store is a spring board to leap somewhere else.’

“THAT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS… I TRY… RUNNING A GOOD STORE IF YOU DON’T LIKE ME OR MY STORE… GET OUT!!!! Y OU ARE MAKING ME HORNY!”

oz, (pleased with himself) ‘I knew that for a long time baby. I do that to a lot of women. Now let’s go behind the store and do some chiti chiti bang bang.’

“WHAT???? HOW ABOUT OZ GETTING AN ASS SLAM SLAM”

‘Hey be nice… you can keep your fucking title and all that. I don’t want it. But be nice to mini-me.’

“DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOOT PAPRIKA ON YOUR MINI-ME? DO YOU WANT ME TO TURN IT INTO A MICRO-MINI-ME?”

‘Hey hey hey… I’m leaving ok. Just give your boyfriend Dylan McDermott this card’

“What’s… this?”

‘It’s the address of the acting school in Bombay started by another idiot called Mr. Subhash Ghai. Since no acting school in America could help Mr. McDermott, then perhaps time has come that we OUTSOURCE acting classes to India too’

“GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW”

oz runs out of the store, starts his car and yells out loud at the store before stepping on the gas…

“F MINUS. Taking a red chilli, hot pepper bath is a more viable option that meeting this Mistress of Spices”

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 19th, 2006 at 1:14 pm
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