Desi Train

The following account is a complete work of oz’s imagination. Nothing of this sort ever happened. If any persons reading this, feel that any characters mentioned here were them, and they indeed experienced this incident, oz will vehemently, with all the energy in his body and mini-me, deny it and feign ignorance.

A few weeks ago

Dear Mr. Studio Barbarian Boss,

Please allow me to introduce myself… blah blah blah… (more blah)

…. so in the end you see, my all rounded skill sets, my heavy weight experience in so many different fields that include washing dishes to selling international cutlery, to iron and steel, to software - and now include that with my intense no holds barred passion for cinema, where each time I see a movie, it gives me an intense mind blowing orgasm, much to the discomfort of others sitting around me who come out of the theaters with salty popcorn fingers and some sticky white substance over them…

I, hence submit to you that, these skills are easily transferable to a studio environment. Hence if you want to make money, make me a studio executive, which all shitty people around me have told, that it is next to impossible, for me, a complete outsider, to be made a studio executive.

Prove them wrong, dear Mr. Cigar chomping, shitty movie making Barbarian Boss.

With warm regards,

~ oz

A few days later

“tera tera tera tera tera tera suroooooooooooooooor” (ringtone on oz’s cellphone)

“Hello, this is oz”

“Hi, Mr. oz, this is Shitfucked Secretary of Studio Barbarian Boss. He would like to see you tomorrow at 9am at our office. You have no other option”

“Thank you. I will take the only existing option that you have offered”

“Oh and oz, when you meet Barbarian Boss, don’t shake his hand”

“Oh… that’s weird. What should I do?”

“Kneel down, lick his shoes clean and thank him for gracing you with his presence. You have no other option”

oz thinks for 1.456 seconds.

“Does spit shining his shoe while licking them help?”

“Of course”

“Thank you.”

Interview day

Tongues Protector that prevents germs from entering your body while licking shoes : 5 dollars.

New York times bestseller – Ass kissing 101 : 12 dollars.

Body armor protection against ass spanking: 32 dollars.

Driving 40 miles to a movie studio for a studio executive interview: (4 dollar/gallon-gas times 40 miles/gallon car-mileage) = 4 dollars.

Meeting a Barbarian Studio Boss: Not worth it.

Shitfucked Secretary meets oz at the reception

SfS: You are on time. Good. Let’s go to the 5th floor. SHIT!!!!

oz: WHAT?

SfS: You are wearing a red tie. Shit shit shit. You are wearing a red tie. SHIT SHIT SHIT

oz immediately removes red tie. No questions asked.

SfS: Thanks. Red makes Boss very very mad. You see none of us wear red in this office. It’s his unlucky color.

oz: Thanks for letting me know.

SfS leads oz into a huge sprawling office of Boss, a 58 year old man, with a bald head and a overblown potato shaped stomach. He’s in his office giving a 19 year old blonde (upcoming East European Model) lessons in golf. In his suit. Minus the pants.

Boss: What is it Shit face?

SfS: Sir this is Mr. oz…

Boss looks at oz… turns to SfS

Boss: How much time did he wait outside?

SfS: None

Boss to oz: Get out of my office. Sit in the stairs for 3 hours and then come back.

oz kneels down on the floor and licks the ground.

oz: Yes O great Studio Boss. Your wish is my command.

Boss: WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

oz (thinking) Shit what did I do wrong?

Boss: SfS, DID NOT YOU TELL THIS ASSHOLE TO BOW THREE TIMES WHILE BENDING ON HIS KNEES.

SfS: Sorry Boss… I… I forgot.

Boss: DAMN YOU. YOUR NEXT MONTH’S SALARY WILL BE CUT BY 50%

oz leaves before his future salary receives a 50% cut, and sits on the stairs.

3 hours later.

oz walks into the office of Studio Boss.

Studio Boss is sitting on his chair, feet up on the table, while barking to someone on the phone…

Boss (on phone): … AND IF SHE FUCKING DOES NOT SHOW UP ON THE SET IN 5 MINUTES, I’LL FUCK HER ASS LIKE THE WAY I DID IT WHEN SHE FIRST CAME TO ME FOR A JOB 5 YEARS AGO.

Boss motions me with his hand to come and stand close to his desk.

Boss (covers phone) and screams: WHERE THE HELL IS MY COFFEE AND DONUTS???

oz: Huh?

Boss: NOT YOU ASSHOLE… WHERE’S MY secretary???

oz: (shrugs) I don’t know.

Boss: THEN YOU BETTER MAKE IT YOUR JOB TO KNOW…. EVERYTHING.

oz: Does that mean I’m hired?

Boss: NO…

SfS runs in with a tray of fresh donuts and coffee.

Boss: YOU ARE LATE AGAIN!!! I’m cutting 50% of your paycheck next month.

SfS runs out.

Boss takes a donut and shoves an entire piece into his mouth.

Removes the palm off the phone

Boss (on phone): MMMfff ffffuuu UMMMM AAA hhhaaaaa mmmmm…. (donut dissolves and swims down the throat)… AND I’LL FUCK HER UP IN A WAY THAT NO ONE IN TOWN WILL TOUCH HER WITH A DICK OR A CLIT…. (pause, listens)… GOOD. SHE SHOULD BE ON MY SETS IN 5 MINUTES.

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Boss puts phone down.

A Television actress walks in. Last seen on Television looking “lost”.

Actress: Hi Boss!!!

Boss: Hi (bleep… famous actress’ name)

Actress: Thanks for the role Boss. I wanted to thank you personally for this.

Boss: You suck good dick. But you suck (acting). So it was a hard decision between your two suckings (dick and acting). I decided to go try out your first suck (dick) and since it was fairly satisfying I thought: why not let you in my movie and suck (acting).

Actress: So you saying I suck (in acting) and that’s why I’m in the movie?

Boss: I’ll be honest with you, bony ass. Yes. You suck (dick) good

Actress: You are so mean… how could you say I suck (acting)

Boss: That’s the truth beeaaatch. You suck (dick) and that’s why I took you on. You should be proud of it.

Actress: YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE..

Actress stomps out of the office.

Boss: Smelly fucking ass. I hate smelly ass.

oz tightens his ass muscles out of fear that Boss may be bi-sexual.

6th phone from the right on Boss’s desk starts ringing…

Boss listens for 6.45 seconds.

Boss (on phone): SHE CAN’T CANCEL HER NAIL-POLISHING APPOINTMENT AND THAT’S THE FUCKING REASON SHE’LL BE LATE… I’LL FUCK HER SO BAD SHE’LL NEVER NEED ANOTHER NAIL POLISH HER ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE. I WANT TO TALK TO HER… NOW!!!!

Slams phone. Scream. “SHIT FUCKED SECRETARY!!!”

SfS scrams into the office… “Sir!”

Boss: GET ME (Bleep… famous actress who only sleeps with men who are legally married) … PRONTO!!

Boss looks at oz: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU???

oz: Huh?? I… I… I…

Boss: Your 2 second answering time is up. Get out and sit on the stairs. Come back after an hour.

oz leaves office and sits on the stairs.

An hour later… as oz gets up to walk back into Barbarian Boss’s office, famous actress on whom oz has masturbated 99.99% of his awakened masturbation life walks past him right into Boss’s office. Looking old with wrinkles and saggy ass cheeks, oz’s mini-me beats his head on the walls of the adjoining underwear.

oz follows not so hot anymore actress back to Boss’s office.

Boss (on phone): …. SEVENTY FIVE MOTHER FUCKING THOUSAND DOLLARS TO FLY HIS FUCKING DOG TO THE MOVIE LOCATION. SEVENTY FIVE THOUSAND FOR HIS FUCKING DOG. I’LL BUY HIS DOG FOR A HUNDRED THOUSAND AND KILL IT IN FRONT OF HIM. FUCKING ASSHOLE… NO MORE PAYING FOR DOGS, CATS, ANTS, LIZARDS AND WHATEVER FUCKING THING THEY LIVE WITH…. DO YOU GET THAT!!!!

Slams phone.

Looks at not-so-hot-anymore-actress: Hey you… what’s up?

Actress: We were going to have lunch today. Remember?

Boss: Cancel that. I’m busy.

Actress: Ok. When can we discuss my part in that script your people sent me.

Boss: Never.

Actress: What do you mean?

Boss: I’ve shoved it.

Actress: Oh… so…

Boss: I FUCKING DON’T WANNA BE SHOWING AN OLD HAG SEDUCING MEN IN MY MOVIE!!! That script was written for you 10 years ago… You are too old for it!!!

Actress: AAAA YOU ARE SUCH AN ASS…

Boss: THANK YOU AND NOW GET OUT OF MY OFFICE

Boss looks at oz: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

oz: I was here for the… the… interview…

Boss: WHAT INTERVIEW? SECRETARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SfS rushes into his office, followed by a horde of journalists…

SfS: Your impromptu press conference Sir…

Boss (for once, stumped, lowers voice): What?

SfS: THE press conference Sir.

SfS uses her eyeballs to point to me, in order to communicate some hidden coded message to Boss.

Boss: OH YEAH YEAH.

Boss pulls me close to him and puts arm around me and starts shaking me.

Boss: THANKS FOR COMING YOU DEAR PRESS PEOPLE.

Press: So what’s news Boss. Are you gonna fight the racist case slammed against you in court by your former employee?

Boss: YES DAMN IT I WILL. I AM NOT A RACIST. AND TO PROVE THIS POINT I HAVE CALLED YOU ALL HERE. I AM AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER. I EMPLOY ALL RACES BE IT BLACK, WHITE, BROWN, YELLOW, GREEN, BLUE… ANYONE!!!!

Looks at oz and whispers: smile asshole.

oz smiles.

Boss: AND TO PROVE IT, I CALLED YOU ALL IN. LOOK AT THIS GUY (pointing to me). HE IS HERE FOR AN INTERVIEW. DID I NOT SEE HIM JUST BECAUSE HE’S NOT WHITE? NO. DID I NOT INTERVIEW HIM BECAUSE HE’S NOT WHITE? NO. DID I REFUSE TO SEE HIS TALENT BECAUSE HE’S NOT WHITE? NO.

Boss looks at me: WHAT’S YOUR NAME BROWNIE?

oz: oz

Boss: SEE… BECAUSE I’M NOT A RACIST, YOU SEE OZ IN MY OFFICE.

Boss to me: (whispers) smile asshole.

oz smiles.

Flash bulbs spring all over.

Twenty minutes later, the press leaves.

oz: So when will you take my interview Sir?

Boss: WHAT INTERVIEW?

oz: For the position of Studio Executive.

Boss presses a button on his desk: SECURITY SECURITY…

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This entry was posted on Thursday, August 31st, 2006 at 11:47 am
Filed under Comedy, Life Flava
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