Desi Train

After watching a 90 minute show of Alag, in part fast forward, part normal motion, I switched off my Bose Home Theater. Bose has sent me an official letter from their legal attorneys, which mentions, that Bose is in no way responsible, if I stress, stretch and shock the bejeezus out of their systems far beyond what they were intended to sustain.

On my about to-pop-open cushion seams of my European sofa, sat two other people.

To my right was,… well he needs no introduction,… Mr. Superman.

And to my left was,… India’s superhero,… Mr. Krrish.

I look at Superman. He is rubbing his scalp with his hand. I look at Krrish. He has his eyes turned upwards, shaking his head.

oz : “So what do you think guys? The superhero community gets a new member,… huh?”

Superman : “Hmm,… maybe I like his hairstyle. Perhaps I should go to SuperCuts, (for Desis: SuperCuts = Hajam shop), and get my hair all erased, including the eyebrows. Wow!”

Krrish : “You are a stupid idiot Superman. I just beat you at the box-office, by producing sales figures that no one knows how they were calculated. This Tejas Rastogi, is nothing but a dumb loser. Inspite of all his powers, he can’t even walk in the sunlight,… hell, and don’t even talk about the bald head. Look at my hair,… it took me three years to grow it this long. The Rastogi guy needs something. I can ask my grandma to send him the Chameli ka Tel, (Hinglish: Some crappy flower oil), to use on his head.”

oz : “Don’t you guys think the director Ashu Mikha… err,… was it Trikha (?), did such a good job. Look at it this way guys. The most unassuming Superhero who is loved by God, Diya Mirza (Hinglish : Some Indian actress who never makes you horny), Indra-dev (Hinglish : Some horny Indian God) and electricity (Hinglish : Electricity - nothing to do with horny).”

Superman : “Well… I… like his hairstyle though. How much do you think SuperCuts will charge to…”

Krrish : “Hey you shut up. oz is talking to me. You have no right to speak before me, now that my movie has proved that you are just a lost guy with red underwear. oz, here’s the deal, I will be honest about it. I don’t like him or the things he does.”

oz : “Why is that?”

Krrish : “Look at him. He’s a hairless coconut. Superpowers? What superpowers? Doing some trick in the dining hall by attracting all stainless steel spoons and forks, is that what you call superhero-giri. I am so disappointed in you oz.”

Superman : “Hey, what the hell did you do Mr.? Huh? Jumping like a damn monkey all through your movie and going boo hoo hoo over some lady with crappy make up? Is that your version of superhero-gadi?”

oz : “It’s giri not gadi”

Krrish : “Hey you red chaddi, (Hinglish : red underwear), shut up before I show you my superpowers given to me by Mr. Jadoo,… God bless his soul. You don’t have any right to talk to me like that, now that my movie figures show, how they beat your movie figures to pulp, not withstanding how those figures were created.”

Superman : “Shit, if only I knew Math,… I could have proved there is some shitty thing going on behind those figures.”

oz : “Guys, guys,… Comeon. Look at how the screenplay guides you so tenderly through Act 1 and then into Act 2, where Mr. Trikha, (or is it Shikha?),… spends time telling you the emotions each character feels, the thoughts each character has or the motives of each character. It’s as if Mr. Trikha understood, that the movie would be watched by people from an IQ of Minus Infinity to Plus Ten. And that’s what I liked. He made sure people would be able to understand the microscopic and almost invisible nuances of his characters.”

Krrish : “oz please talk in English.”

oz : “It means that the movie makes your Krrish look like Oscar material.”

Krrish : “Oscar, Oscar, Oscar!!!”

Superman : “Shut up you wirehanging, circus mask stealing monkey. oz just means to say that both the movies are crap. oz, I also liked the scene where thousands of butterflies come hanging around with him.”

Krrish : “Ha, Ha, Ha!!! That stupid scene? It just goes to show that the director was so confused. Why don’t you call him Tarzan or Jungle Boy or something?”

oz : “Well you do have a point there Krrish. Watching Tom Alter as the California returned scientist is sure to give me indigestion.”

Superman : “Well I’m disappointed too. Even Lex Luthor this time lacked punch in my return movie. I’m so depressed”

Krrish : “You should be depressed you red underwear flying alien. My movie’s sales figures are starting to act as Kryptonite on you. Ha. Ha. Ha.”

Superman : “oz ask this stupid-wearing-shoes-with-laces superhero idiot to shut up, before I punch a hole in his face.”

Krrish : “Just try you Red Underwear. Just try. My movie’s sales figures will act as a defense shield and break your arm into two pieces.”

Superman : “OZ STOP HIM BEFORE I DO SOMETHING.”

Before I could open my mouth. Superman punches Krrish to a disastrous effect. Krrish goes flying out of my house through the ceiling into outer space.

Superman : “Hmm. Suddenly I feel much better.”

oz : “I don’t. Who the hell is going to take care of the hole in my ceiling?”

Superman : “Don’t look at me. Ask that wire-hanging monkey’s Dad to send you the cash. After all he’s made a ton of money from Krrish.”

oz : “Could you just leave. This is too much to handle. Just leave.”

Superman : “Ok. But before going, what are you rating this movie as?”

oz : “Minus F Grade. Run away at super speed.”

This entry was posted on Friday, July 7th, 2006 at 12:39 pm and is filed under Bollywood, Movie Reactions.
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