40 Mistakes Men Make during Sex (UhOh!)
I realize these aren’t set in stone, but while reading them on the Internet I thought some were rather funny:
*NOT KISSING FIRST
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for
erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying
to get your money’s worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate
kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR
Admit it, some kid at school told you
girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing
as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your birthday cake. That hurts.
NOT SHAVING
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s avoidance.
SQUEEZING HER BREASTS
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth
BITING HER NIPPLES
Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can’t stand up to chewing. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a toy isn’t.
TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY A woman is not a highway with
just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There
are vast areas of her body which you’ve ignored far too often as you go
bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt
region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that
aggressive, just ask her to take the d*mn things off.
LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT
Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
ATTACKING THE CLITORIS
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
STOPPING FOR A BREAK
Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can
tell she’s not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid’s toy.
GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY Stroking her gently through her
panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and
yanking it back and forth is not.
BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA Although most men can find the
clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it’s all at.
No sooner is your hand down there than you’re trying to stuff stolen
banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you’re not careful,
it can hurt - so don’t get carried away. It’s best to pay more attention to her
clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a
finger inside her and see if she likes it.
MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY
You’re attempting to give her a sensual,
relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows
and knees are not.
UNDRESSING PREMATURELY
Don’t force the issue by stripping before
she’s at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just
undoing a couple of buttons
TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.
GOING TOO FAST
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she’ll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
GOING TOO HARD
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
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COMING TOO SOON
Every man’s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.
ASKING IF SHE HAS COME
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don’t know, don’t ask.
PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY
Don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN
Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use
her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX Sperm tastes like sea water mixed
with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she’s performing oral sex,
warn her before you come so she can do what’s necessary.
MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES
For her to be on top is fine.
Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her
gently, so that she doesn’t feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner.
And let her have a rest.
ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions.
If you want to put it there, ask her first.
Being drunk is not an excuse.
SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS There is no less erotic noise.
It’s as sexy as a belching contest.
ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES
If she wants to do advanced yoga in
bed, fine, but unless she’s a Romanian gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask
yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation
feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don’t.
GIVING LOVE BITES
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to
wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES
You have to finish the job. Keep on
trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you
SQUASHING HER
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
TALKING DIRTY
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know.
THANKING HER
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your
bedroom is not a soup kitchen.
*** Not sure who the original author is, I agree on many of them… some I don’t cause quite a few women have pushed oz to do exactly that!!!! Now if you wanna know which ones from the above… hehehehe… … Not telling ****
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June 9th, 2006 at 7:14 pm
Can we get some personal tips from Oz on car etiquettes?
That’s one complex place to get things done and to maneuver in their takes some talent!
June 10th, 2006 at 8:31 am
yei Oz,
even i had read this earlier somewhere.. if i am not mistaken it was masalaboard..maybe
butgood to bring it out here, now all us guys will take a note of it, n better our performance, lol
June 13th, 2006 at 7:05 pm
Good one Ozzie. A gentle reminder for all the men folks. I too was guilty of some or all the above mentioned, but over the years learned the tricks to be a gentle caring lover from a primitive caveman. but there are some women out there ( very few) who like it rough, get bitch slapped and are capable of doing the same to men.
Cliff
October 13th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Yay! Not only was that a riot, but every single one of those faux pas’ is true. I’ve experienced many them from men, more than once. Your solutions/suggestions are right on, too. Girls want to please guys, too, so it’s hard to “correct” him, during the act - especially with someone new. Going slow, a little humor, and all your suggestions - great.
October 30th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
40 donts is too much. I wonder if the girl really want to do it.