Teesri “Tere Maa Ki” Aankh
The camera focusses on Worli Tower. A round shaped white coloured spiral design building in Worli, Bombay. tik tik tik tik tik. Tik = Typewriter sound. Bottom left cornor of the screen. “Control Room” or something unimportant like that.
A bunch of cops seated in a top secret meeting. The meeting looks less like a cop gathering and more like a bunch of anguished guys who’s wives have run away with their neighbours.
About fourty five minutes into the Harry Baweja movie: Teesri Aankh, I have started writing a book titled “Movie making 101: How not to make Shit”. The entire book will consist of 500 pages. All pages shall be blank. Only page 3 shall have a single short sweet line printed at the center. It shall say: Go Watch Teesri Aankh. The End.
And that dear reader is all that is needed to make a good movie. To do all those things that Mr. Baweja did not (which is to say he did NOTHING). And to NOT do all those things that Mr. Baweja did. Any respectable actor or technician after having watched Teesri Aankh should rather commit suicide than work in Mr. Baweja’s next project (a futurist love story set in 2050, God help us).
Actually the movie isn’t bad. And no it isn’t worse. I need a word to describe the movie and after pondering for hours in the dictionary I have finally come to a conclusion that the word I need to describe Teesri Aankh has not been invented yet. Perhaps you dear reader can help me out to find a word which sums up these statements: Worse than horrible, the shittiest shit in your septic tank, morbidly horrifying, slash my wrists and tell the cops its due to Mr. Baweja, tie a noose around the Teesri Aankh DVD and hang it- keep pulling the other end of the noose all day and laugh out loud.
If by any fate of misfortune you ever have to watch this movie may I suggest this to you my truly dear reader: Take your dick or your vibrator AND SHOVE IT INTO THE CENTER HOLE OF THE DVD SO THE WORDS “FUCK THE FILM” MAY COME TRUE.
Mr. Sunny Deol-jee (with looks of “I’m totally lost here”) is in U.K. searching for girlfriend (Neha Dhupia with looks like “Why the fuck am I doing this movie”) and porn peddlers. Girlfriend-jee caught in porn racket and killed. Murder is witnessed by a dumb (it means mute here) Amisha Patel - acting quality: really dumb (it means dumb as in dumb here). Villians include Mr. Loud Mouth Porn King. Two duffers who aspire to topple Loud Mouth and become the Badshahs of Porn. Corrupt Cop who helps both sides Loud Mouth and Duffers of Porn. Ms. Dumb turns out to be the key to murder and a lost CD that will topple all Porn business’s thurky bastards. Horny Ok Please.
Deol-jee finds girlfriend is killed. All hell breaks loose, loose, looser. Deol-jee angry inspite of Bad Wig Day. Suffice to say Deol-jee resolves all problems and saves Ms. Dumb who by the end of the movie seems to have got much more dumber (it means dumber as in dumber here).
Baweja-jee seems to tell us that the movie is based in U.K. though each time a fight sequence takes off (which incidently occurs more often than the total number of words spoken in this shit) we are transported to Bombay Film Studios complete with TATA trucks, ST Buses, Desi Drivers, Desi Goondas and everything else which does not look anything else but Desi. Desi Jaisi Koi Nahin.
Do you really have to make a movie when each and every actor in your movie has looks like “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE”. Everyone seems to be moving all over in all directions. HOW FUCKED UP MUST ONE BE TO MAKE THIS FUCKING SCREW UP?
Mr. Baweja should be banned from making any more movies. Infact there should be a restraining order passed by the Supreme Court of India where Baweja should NOT BE ALLOWED within a thousand miles of a Movie Script or a Movie Studio or a Movie Camera.
Sunny Deol sleep walks through this one. The only times you see sparks of energy is when it seems he wants to dive out of the film as soon as he can. Looking old, tired and with a bad wig this was one bad choice on his part. Ironically his dad, Dharmendra, acted in a movie Teesri Aankh in the early eighties, which too was as crappy as this one. Crap-ix Reloaded.
If you feel warmth, kindness and affection in your heart for physically challenged people in this world, all that feeling is soon going to turn in contempt, hate, irritation and anger after watching Amisha Patel play the mute/dumb character. WHAT THE FUCK WERE THE PEOPLE ASSOCIATED WITH THIS MOVIE THINKING? DIDN’T ANYONE AND I MEAN ANYONE ON THE MOVIE SETS EVEN THINK TO TELL AMISHA PATEL AND BAWEJA OF WHAT BLASEPHMY THEY WERE COMMITTING IN THE NAME OF ACTING?
If I were a Studio Executive (Hear Hear!!!), and if this script landed on my desk, I would first run the entire script through my shredding machine. Then I would take the shreds of this script and burn them. Then I would eat up the burnt shredded script SO THAT NO MOTHER FUCKING SON OF BITCH WOULD EVER GET A CHANCE TO LOOK INTO THE SCRIPT AND DARE TO MAKE THE MOVIE AGAIN.
Minus Z Grade. Diving into your Shit Septic Tank is much much much more pleasurable than watching this one.
April 7th, 2006 at 11:35 am
Dr. C’s prescription for Oz,
- No Hindi Cinema for 10 days.
-Go for long walks on the beach, preferably with a blonde.
Check with Dr. C in 10 days
April 7th, 2006 at 12:06 pm
Thanks for review……………….
Papa Dharmendra movie Teesri Aankh - was good for 80’s.
April 7th, 2006 at 12:08 pm
Hey Oz,
I keep on putting off topic comments… sorry about that…
but, this one you really gotta check out!
http://entertainment.msn.com/tv/hotgossipb4?GT1=7703
especially from the middle of the post till end… and WE NEED A BLOG ABOUT THIS!!!
No one else can do justice to this filmmaker but you ;-)
April 7th, 2006 at 2:09 pm
- Cliff, Thank you Doc. Does that have any side effects? 8-x
- AJC, You are welcome.
Oh by the way I just remembered something. Dharmendra’s Teesri Aankh too was crap. Reason I remember is I had received quite a thrashing from both my parents on coming home after watching that movie. It was I who had insisted that we should watch this movie. That one was crap with Amjad Khan playing the worshipper of Satan while Dharmendra is Lord Shiva’s… well you guessed it… Third Eye. There is this one song in which Dharmendra impersonates someone else to get into the villian’s den. Who does he impersonate? You can guess it with these clues: Dharmendra sings with Zeenat Aman and flies (yes flies… big hint). The song goes like this : “Salaam Salaam Salaam Salaam main aa gaya, liya kisi ne mera naam main aa gaya…” Zeenat lip syncs “Loote sab ki neend, Loote sab ka chaine…. ” Chorus “Superman Superman Superman”…. yes dear folks Dharmendra beats the shit out of Superman and enters the villian’s den.
- Humsafar, Absolutely no problemo. You can hop, jump, run sleep and write whatever you feel like on the Desi Train.
I’ve read about this stupid thingy. It’s a great (but stupid) publicity and marketing stunt. In case the film ever gets made, I would end up making more money than the movie, by selling my review for that movie. Hopefully Hilton playing Mother Teresa will not happen.
April 7th, 2006 at 6:09 pm
Hehe, that’s one weird piece of news. Everytime I read it I can picture in my mind Mother Teresa wrapped in a white sari with three blue stripes taking care of the poor and the underprevileged, and suddenly, there pops a crew cut asian guy who walks up to her and goes “Hey, I need a female opinion….”
April 7th, 2006 at 8:37 pm
oz,
Your review are absolutely hilarious…I guess the wise thing to do is read oz’s review and skip the movie!
vi
April 7th, 2006 at 8:40 pm
Akhil
=)) @ MT and female opinion
April 7th, 2006 at 11:24 pm
sucks! the film sucks!
April 8th, 2006 at 12:12 am
I am an incorrigible film buff.. But even that won’t prompt me into seeing this one after your review.
I loved your smilies..couldnt quite find one which said ..keep it up buddy!
April 8th, 2006 at 1:59 pm
that bad huh?? The star cast itself would have kept me away from watching this one..but ur review just reaffirms what I’ve always known: Amisha Patel is DUMB
April 9th, 2006 at 5:53 pm
Thanks for the hilarious review!:d
April 9th, 2006 at 8:05 pm
- Akhil, Now that’s a thought. You seem to be eating, drinking and sleeping Pick up skills my friend. b-)
- Vi, Thank you my friend. :)
- Harry, Sucks is a very tame word to describe this movie.
- Kaveeta, Thank you! And welcome aboard the Desi Train. Get ready for the time of your life on this journey <):)
- Chandni, Yep! It wouldn’t have mattered if the role was played by this actor : 3:-o
- Amrita, Thank you! And welcome aboard the Desi Train. This journey is most enjoyed with a hot cup of ~o)
April 9th, 2006 at 10:28 pm
Hillarious review!
I remember there were a few more desi movies with Superman in it. That Superman song was really atrocious. If I remember correctly, Puneet Issar also played Superman in some movie…that was a really traumatic childhood experience for a huge Superman fan like me.
~Manoj~
April 9th, 2006 at 10:35 pm
Manoj - “traumatic experience” ??? =))
Ok guys - you know who you are (if we’ve exchanged emails in the past, you are on my Guest List) - check your email…. If I’ve missed sending it to you, lemme know. For those who have received my email, I’m still waiting for you guys to respond… :))
April 11th, 2006 at 7:44 am
Thanks for the wonderful review. I surely enjoyed the review of the __________ movie. (If anyone can find a right word to fit here).
May 7th, 2006 at 11:52 pm
2 out of 10? You gotta be kidding! This filthy piece of elephant size manure doesnt even deserve 1 out of a 100! The prob is these fcked up film producers think of their audience as some sadakchaap ch**yas and feed them whatever trash they find in their bathroom bin. I dunno what they think of themselves when they invite the bigshots from Bollywood to attend world premiers of such tripe! Do ppl come up to them to congratulate on their great work of art? Maybe its better if Bawaje takes a dump right infront of the screen and invites ppl to come check it out. It will surely be better than watching this shitty movie!! How can these lowlives sleep at night after producing such farce?!!
Sunny Deol once used to be a decent actor, but in this movie he is more animated them a pissed off chimp, whose banana is stolen. Any someone tell Sunny that wig looks RIDICULOUS on him!! For a 50yr oldie he should start acting his age or just get out of movies gracefully! Enuf of the screeming and bhaashanbaazi! Amisha patel - the lesser said about this dumb bimboo the better! The distressed expression is stuck on her face right from her Gadar days! Someone plz send her to an acting school! .. and while she’s there someone pls remove those pillows she’s stuffed underneath her shirt once and for all!! She looks so fcking fake!
I watched this movie more than a month ago and I still have nightmares about it!! If killing human beigns was legal in this country, I’d surely empty one round on Baweja! Stop making such tripe!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!
May 7th, 2006 at 11:57 pm
pls ignore the 2 outta 10 comment.. im so intoxicated right now after recaping on this movie (it was playing at my sis’s place when i went there for a visit..and i had to endue it again for an hr!!).. i am on a mission to find every fucking review of this fucking junk to leave my thoughts on it. Copy pasted my comments from somebody else’s review who gave it a 2 out of 10.
PS: I felt a sense of calmness after reading your review… couldn’t have said all that better!
May 8th, 2006 at 12:00 am
BAWEJA MADARCHOD ROT IN HELL!!
There.. that feels better :)\:d/\:d/\:d/
May 8th, 2006 at 9:42 am
- VDG, Welcome to the club!!!
May 8th, 2006 at 1:17 pm
[...] Shaadi Se Pehle is about how Akshaye Khanna has tragically inherited Sunny Deol’s problem. Bad wig days. SSP is about how Director Satish Kaushik and writer Sanjay Chel get together to make a rehash of the 1979 average hit Meri Biwi Ki Shaadi and ending up making a much worse product. [...]
May 8th, 2006 at 1:53 pm
It must be some kind of death wish that made me rent this ‘movie’….I am a firm believer in the adage that ‘Khan apna paisa khata hai”….and yet I had to give up! I only wish that Harry Baweja gets sent to Gitmo where the Yanks torture him by putting this movie on a loop…for his viewing pleasure!!!!
June 17th, 2006 at 1:50 am
Watched this movie last week.Laughed all through it,though started crying at the thought of paying for it:((