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Teesri “Tere Maa Ki” Aankh

The camera focusses on Worli Tower. A round shaped white coloured spiral design building in Worli, Bombay. tik tik tik tik tik. Tik = Typewriter sound. Bottom left cornor of the screen. “Control Room” or something unimportant like that.

A bunch of cops seated in a top secret meeting. The meeting looks less like a cop gathering and more like a bunch of anguished guys who’s wives have run away with their neighbours.

About fourty five minutes into the Harry Baweja movie: Teesri Aankh, I have started writing a book titled “Movie making 101: How not to make Shit”. The entire book will consist of 500 pages. All pages shall be blank. Only page 3 shall have a single short sweet line printed at the center. It shall say: Go Watch Teesri Aankh. The End.

And that dear reader is all that is needed to make a good movie. To do all those things that Mr. Baweja did not (which is to say he did NOTHING). And to NOT do all those things that Mr. Baweja did. Any respectable actor or technician after having watched Teesri Aankh should rather commit suicide than work in Mr. Baweja’s next project (a futurist love story set in 2050, God help us).

Actually the movie isn’t bad. And no it isn’t worse. I need a word to describe the movie and after pondering for hours in the dictionary I have finally come to a conclusion that the word I need to describe Teesri Aankh has not been invented yet. Perhaps you dear reader can help me out to find a word which sums up these statements: Worse than horrible, the shittiest shit in your septic tank, morbidly horrifying, slash my wrists and tell the cops its due to Mr. Baweja, tie a noose around the Teesri Aankh DVD and hang it- keep pulling the other end of the noose all day and laugh out loud.

If by any fate of misfortune you ever have to watch this movie may I suggest this to you my truly dear reader: Take your dick or your vibrator AND SHOVE IT INTO THE CENTER HOLE OF THE DVD SO THE WORDS “FUCK THE FILM” MAY COME TRUE.

Mr. Sunny Deol-jee (with looks of “I’m totally lost here”) is in U.K. searching for girlfriend (Neha Dhupia with looks like “Why the fuck am I doing this movie”) and porn peddlers. Girlfriend-jee caught in porn racket and killed. Murder is witnessed by a dumb (it means mute here) Amisha Patel - acting quality: really dumb (it means dumb as in dumb here). Villians include Mr. Loud Mouth Porn King. Two duffers who aspire to topple Loud Mouth and become the Badshahs of Porn. Corrupt Cop who helps both sides Loud Mouth and Duffers of Porn. Ms. Dumb turns out to be the key to murder and a lost CD that will topple all Porn business’s thurky bastards. Horny Ok Please.

Deol-jee finds girlfriend is killed. All hell breaks loose, loose, looser. Deol-jee angry inspite of Bad Wig Day. Suffice to say Deol-jee resolves all problems and saves Ms. Dumb who by the end of the movie seems to have got much more dumber (it means dumber as in dumber here).

Baweja-jee seems to tell us that the movie is based in U.K. though each time a fight sequence takes off (which incidently occurs more often than the total number of words spoken in this shit) we are transported to Bombay Film Studios complete with TATA trucks, ST Buses, Desi Drivers, Desi Goondas and everything else which does not look anything else but Desi. Desi Jaisi Koi Nahin.

Do you really have to make a movie when each and every actor in your movie has looks like “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE”. Everyone seems to be moving all over in all directions. HOW FUCKED UP MUST ONE BE TO MAKE THIS FUCKING SCREW UP?

Mr. Baweja should be banned from making any more movies. Infact there should be a restraining order passed by the Supreme Court of India where Baweja should NOT BE ALLOWED within a thousand miles of a Movie Script or a Movie Studio or a Movie Camera.

Sunny Deol sleep walks through this one. The only times you see sparks of energy is when it seems he wants to dive out of the film as soon as he can. Looking old, tired and with a bad wig this was one bad choice on his part. Ironically his dad, Dharmendra, acted in a movie Teesri Aankh in the early eighties, which too was as crappy as this one. Crap-ix Reloaded.

If you feel warmth, kindness and affection in your heart for physically challenged people in this world, all that feeling is soon going to turn in contempt, hate, irritation and anger after watching Amisha Patel play the mute/dumb character. WHAT THE FUCK WERE THE PEOPLE ASSOCIATED WITH THIS MOVIE THINKING? DIDN’T ANYONE AND I MEAN ANYONE ON THE MOVIE SETS EVEN THINK TO TELL AMISHA PATEL AND BAWEJA OF WHAT BLASEPHMY THEY WERE COMMITTING IN THE NAME OF ACTING?

If I were a Studio Executive (Hear Hear!!!), and if this script landed on my desk, I would first run the entire script through my shredding machine. Then I would take the shreds of this script and burn them. Then I would eat up the burnt shredded script SO THAT NO MOTHER FUCKING SON OF BITCH WOULD EVER GET A CHANCE TO LOOK INTO THE SCRIPT AND DARE TO MAKE THE MOVIE AGAIN.

Minus Z Grade. Diving into your Shit Septic Tank is much much much more pleasurable than watching this one.

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You’re currently reading “Teesri “Tere Maa Ki” Aankh,” written by oz

Published:
04.07.06 / 8am
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Bollywood, Movie Reactions, Superhit Posts


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