Desi Train

Glad to see you all back. Ok I’m lying. Just a bit. I’m glad to be back home after a 48 hour trip to the hospital. I suddenly realize how important it is to have a perfect health, one which we take for granted. I have also learnt and discovered that blonde women in super short nurse uniforms are entirely capable of giving me a hard-on.

Could you get that down?
I put my hand down which I had lifted up so she could check my veins to insert the IV
Not your hand, your other thing?
She’s referring to my mini-me which looks like a miniature form of Kutab Minar. It’s there standing at full attention courtesy (1) Hot blonde (2) Hot blonde wearing a short nurse’s uniform (3) Hot blonder wearing a short nurse’s uniform having her face 2 inches away from my ear.

Now how do I explain to her that Man was given a switch to turn mini-me up, but there’s no fucking switch in the whole world that a man could use to turn the Kutab Minar back into it’s original form:- The almighty toothpick. Well, even if there is such a down-switch, no Man will use it voluntarily.

It all began last Monday night when I finished my dinner and felt my stomach stretch out. Gas it much be gas. Then I felt a bit of a pain. Gas, maybe more gas. An hour later the pain had increased. If it’s gas, what kind of fucking gas is it?

Tuesday morning I drive straight to my physician Dr. Patel’s clinic. Its 7:45am. No one’s there. The receptionist still with one eye closed is barely able to keep the other open.

I would like to see Dr. Patel.
Why?
[Because it’s Tuesday morning, and on this beautiful day I decided to skip work and do something heart warming. So I said to myself let’s go and visit my doctor. We’ll chat, laugh, have a good time.]
Cause I have an intense stomach ache. Now could I please see the doctor?
Do you have an appointment?
[MOTHER FUCKING RECEPTIONIST OF A BITCH – I'M DYING HERE. HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW I WILL HAVE A STOMACH ACHE TUESDAY MORNING AND I SHOULD GET AN APPOINTMENT FOR IT 5 DAYS BEFORE THAT]
No I don’t. But please let me see the doctor. This pain is too intense.
Ok we’ll get you in. But next time go to the hospital directly.
Thanks.

8:15am. I’m the lone guy sitting in front of the receptionist. The pain is now unbearable. So I walk back to the receptionist.

Could I see the doctor please?
I told you we’ll let you in. But since you don’t have an appointment, you will be sent in after those who do have one.

I look around and the only person in the waiting room is, yours truly, me.

But there is no one here.
I can see that. But we have 3 appointments for 8, 815 and 830. Now if they don’t come by 9, we’ll let you in.
WHAT? WHY NOT NOW WHEN THERE IS NO ONE HERE?
No we can’t. Clinic rules. Patients without an appointment have to wait for an hour before they are let in. And do lower your voice Mr. Unappointed.
Sorry, but I’m dying here.
Then go to the hospital.
But I’m already here…
We don’t care…we didn’t ask you to come here.

Luckily Dr. Patel walked in.
Oz my man… what’s up?

And I was mercifully let in.
Dr. Patel is a nice guy. Though I’m not sure of his motives. There is a set routine in his actions and dialogues which by now have I have memorized. And he follows exactly the same routine each time I visit him

So oz, when was the last time you got a blood test done.
Three months ago when I last visited you.
Lets do it again.
But I just did that three months ago.
Don’t worry, we’ll do it again.

Sometimes I feel my sole purpose of visiting my doctor is to have blood drawn out of my body for any reason, and if there isn’t any reason, let there be no reason at all, but blood should be drawn out of my body.

So I’m in the doctor’s examining room and… blood is being drawn out of my body.
Oz… we need to get your lower abdomen scanned.
So he pulls me up and takes me to the scanning room where there are two more patients in front of me.

Maria, this is oz. Get his lower abdomen scanned and get me the reports immediately. We may have to send him to the hospital… and saying that he leaves.

HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!! FUCK ME!!!!! NO ONE TOLD ME I HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL!!! So I run back after the doctor…

WHAT HOSPITAL? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG????
Hehehe…relax oz. Let’s check your report and see…now go back and wait

It took 45 minutes for my turn to enter the scanning room. Those were the most painful excruciating 45 minutes of my life. Images of me in the hospital are flashing in and out. Fucking shit!!! Can doctors be just a little bit more diplomatic? Sometimes I feel, that all doctors secretly are Suspense movie makers. “You have something bad. You may need to get operated upon.” What is it? “We’ll tell you in about 5 hours.” So you have yourself shitting in your pants for 5 hours.

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In the CT Scan room, I’m made to take my clothes off and wear this gown which was worn by the two patients in front of me. Trust me folks, if you are not sick, wearing that gown would make you one.

Ok, so we are going to insert this into your arm and inject a dye. You will feel hot, your throat will go dry, your lower area (meaning the region around my dick) will feel wet, you will feel you have urinated, but it is just a feeling you haven’t. You will be asked to breathe in and out after you are placed in the scanning machine, so relax and breathe normally. The whole process will take about 15 minutes.

Guys, there’s one thing you realize at that point. Even if you are not nervous with all the stuff you see in the scanning room. The Hitler faced nurse reading out the Hitler type manual as above, will get you shitting in your pants, or the gown which you are now wearing.

The dye has been injected and I feel warm, my throat’s going dry, my whole body feels warm and I feel wet around my dick area.

Nurse, I peed.
No you haven’t Mr. oz you just feel like that
No but I have.
Mr. oz, I told you, it’s the dye that makes you feel like you peed.
FUCK ME. I KNOW WHEN I PEE. AND I KNOW I HAVE PEED.
No you haven’t
I have and think I just shit in the gown.
Mr. oz. Let’s get the scanning done. We’ll see to that later.

20 minutes later, I’m returning a slightly wet gown back to the nurse.
I told you I peed.
With no reaction on her face she hangs it on the hanger for the next patient.
Now this is really making me sick.

I’m sitting in the waiting room for my reports. It’s been 3 hours since I landed at Dr. Patel’s clinic. My stomach ache’s kicking my ass. But so far I’ve gained important knowledge in the last 3 hours.
(a) The receptionist is a bitch
(b) The dye used during scanning your body does make you pee
(c) I have to go to the hospital
(d) Fear of the hospital makes me shit in my pants.
(e) Doctors enjoy telling you, you MAY have to admit yourself in the hospital, but they want to make sure after checking your reports which should be ready in about 5 hours.
(f) The computers on which your reports are supposed to be prepared suddenly start having problems.
(g) You shit in your pants some more because of freaking computer problems.
(h) The physical problem you came for a cure for, is not the top priority of the day.

You have stomach flu. Your intestines are all swollen and I have to ask you to drive straight to the hospital right away.
Sorry I’m not going to the hospital. Give me some meds or anything. But no. No hospital.

An hour later, with my hands tied behind my back, my friends and roommates push me inside St. Jude’s hospital.

Some 30 miles away, my boss is having a panic attack. You see it’s the day he has promised our CEO the demonstration of a new project that I and my team have been working on.

Oz can you make it even for an hour. Take goddamn pain killers but come over.
[This looks like the most screw me day of all times]
Boss, I’m dying here, I just got admitted in the hospital.
Talk to the doctor. I need you for atleast an hour.

I switch the phone off. Sometimes some people who you have in your lives…

So I’m back home. Complete bed rest. And I’ve been watching Desi Television. From Sony to B4U to Zee. And I’m observing silly mundane stuff I would never have observed before.

Jackie Shroff looks so serious, sick and long faced these days. What happened to this guy? He had charm and exuded so much positive vibrations during his hey days.

Talking of Shroff, today all the major networks that show the shittiest of movies on weekday afternoons, - all of them have lined up Shroff’s shitty movies. From “Chauraha” to “Hafta Bandh”. It made me realize that Jackie Shroff’s 99.99% movies have just been that. Shit.

And when you are sick and in bed you are also witness to the shittiest movies on video. Watching Sohail Khan’s “Fight Club” gave me an intense attack of stomach ache. Frantically I call my doctor and he assures me it’s not because of the flu, but the movie I just watched.

But then I just watched one of the most beautiful movies, a Marathi film (with English Subtitles) called “Shwas”. It was released 2 years ago and I didn’t get a chance to watch it until now. Though it has some drawbacks, this is a beautiful story and I would give it an A Minus.

Marathi Cinema too suffered the same fate as the European Film Industry. Hollywood destroyed European movies, while Marathi cinema suffered the same fate due to Bollywood. There was a time that I, a Punjabi would get to see a Marathi movie each Saturday evening on Doordarshan in Bombay. There are some beautiful pearls in Marathi cinema. Unfortunately the eighties saw the downfall and now it’s rare to see a Marathi movie getting a release.

Writing this post has got me tired. So I’m gonna take a break, take my medication and rest. After all I have to spend the entire afternoon watching Jackie dada’s “Hafta Badh” and “Chauraha”… How much did I enjoy it? You’ll get to know soon… pretty soon.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, March 16th, 2006 at 10:10 am
Filed under Comedy, Life Flava, Superhit Posts
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