Aksar: Sar Pakad and Run
There’s a morcha outside my house. All the Adult Video Rental Stores want to ban me from visiting any Desi Video Store and Desi Theater for Bollywood Movies. Their main beef is that I have stopped visiting all of them to rent or buy porn videos ever since I discovered Desi stores/theaters in California. The result being the sales of all Orange County Adult Videos has crashed. The porn industry is shaking in its knees. I suspect they have secretly sponsored this oz Roko Aandolan.
But I will fight this morcha till my last breadth. It is my fundamental right to give more preference to the pimples - flattened - with - pancake face of Udita Goswami than to porn star Jenna Jameson and would prefer to have a huge poster of “Aksar” over my bedrest, a place previously enjoyed by the cover of “Rocco’s Anal Adventures”.
Why should I watch the sadela + ghateeya porn made in some of the dingiest studios of Chatsworth, the porn world’s capital in Southern California? Not when I can get attractive European locations, huge palatial sets, a Bollywood heroine covered with 2inches by 3 inches of 0.15 millimeter thickness yarn and two men lusting over her with tongues hanging out far enough to give my dog an inferiority complex. Perfect scenario for the plushiest porn ever seen. Who wants Chatsworth-chap material anymore?
And I am beginning to like the work of director Ananth Mahadevan, a former (?) tv/movie actor who gives us the most beautiful sexiest heart thumping softcore porn ever seen in the world of cinema. After movies like Dil Vil Pyar Vyar and Dil Maange More, Mahadevan-jee seems to have atlast grasped what the audiences really need. Screw the teeny bopper candy floss romance. The audience including Mummyjee, Papajee, Unclejee, Auntijee, Sonu, Monu, Bobby and Pepsee all want hardcore romance, the one beyond two flowers rubbing each other, the fountain suddenly springing into action or the kabootar pecking material.
No No No. We all want a pimple faced desi actress shedding clothes faster than you can say “Shit”. A beauty which is greater than the sum total of beauties of all my kaamwaali’s (housemaids) Mumbai to Mexico (Darogabai to Doris). And we want two wooden (pun highly unintended) heroes. And our thirst for liberated sex will be quenched only when Mahadevan-jee comes out with the next edition of Bollywood Porn Edition II.
On a serious note, DID THE Aksar team REALLY THINK THEY WERE MAKING A MOVIE OR WERE THEIR FUCKING INTENTIONS VERY CLEAR THAT IT WAS PORN THEY WANTED TO PRODUCE?
It’s high time the Indian Censor Board gets into action and introduces the X, XX, XXX codes besides the boring U, U/A and A certificates.
Udita Goswami’s tits have more expressions than her face. Really, is it necessary to pursue an acting career when your furniture can act better than you?
Dino Moreo has three patented expressions throughout the entire movie. The first “looks” like he is feeling “blank”, the second “looks” like he is feeling “more blank” and the third looks like its “the mother of all blankness”.
And the great media-projected serial kisser Mr. Emran Hashmi, in the name of acting, “snores” right in front of the fucking camera all throughout.
If you want to see in all practicality what the Bombay slang “Acting ki ma-bahen ek karna” means, watch this rat-hole of a movie. After watching Aksar, all movie fanatics need to find some other passion besides movies.
F grade. This is a one way ticket to migraine hell.
February 28th, 2006 at 12:14 pm
:)) … and more :))
bindaas post hai beedu..
you know what, I kinda saw this coming, so it was even more fun reading this…what shud i say…yea.. review.. lol
February 28th, 2006 at 2:20 pm
It’s really amusing what a serene yuppie suburb Chatsworth is. All single family housing with picket fences that looks nothing like the porn capital of the world.
But the porn industry is so discreet there. My boyfriend works in Chatsworth and smack next to his workplace in an exclusive, high profile office park is a porn studio. It looks like just another software company office.
February 28th, 2006 at 2:21 pm
awesome review.
couldnt believe this awful piece of trash was ‘highly recommended’ by my local desi store wala!!! it was my great resilence that the dvd was returned to the owner in one piece. for i felt like destroying it into a million pieces by the time i was done.
i was eagerly waiting for you to trash this movie on your blog….for there is NO ONE who gives bad movies the treatment they deserve like you do!! Nothing pleases me more than someone raping a bad movie i had to endure! If i were the director reading your review, I’d seriously coontemplate quitting the movie business. but then again I would have jumped off the nearest monument before coming such a grave sin as directing this bullcrap.
February 28th, 2006 at 4:17 pm
wghatever you say..I think plot was kinda okay..only the director didnot knwo how to end the movie..
I liked the songs though..
February 28th, 2006 at 7:41 pm
- Sarpanch, my man. Long time no see. Kabhi kabhi Desi Train mein timepass ke liye aa jaaya karo bhai! :)
- Thalassa, That’s so true. Three years ago I was looking for a home to buy in Chatsworth and it no way looks like the porn capital. The porn industry in California is the most organized (better than Bollywood) and strictly follows the local county rules - this as per a HBO report. But around the same time I was at a friend’s party in Chatsworth and was witness to a porn movie being shot in the backyard next door. It took every ounce of strength to stay back when the girls and technicians shooting the video invited us over to party by their pool. I politely refused so that bacchon par bura asar nahin pade :(
- Destiny, Thank you for your gracious comments. :d Next time break that damn DVD and neatly put the pieces in a Multi colored envelope before returning it to you store wallah ;)
- Hotha Hai a.k.a. My online stalker. 3:-o
March 1st, 2006 at 9:11 am
Great one Oz!
Your movie reviews are superlative!
Now write one up for Chingari. Can’t wait to see a Chingari review coming from your pen :-)
March 2nd, 2006 at 5:17 pm
>>>>>>>you men suck..<<<<<<<<
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