Desi Train

It’s been about a couple of weeks since I went out to a club/bar, in other words, a long time since I went out to meet someone new (in other words, yes, no new girl in my life so far, sorry my dear pickup brothers).

Practice makes a man perfect. That’s true in case of your social skill sets too. How? Here you are checking your stuff out at Costco (a big discount retail chain store in the U.S.) and in walks a hot Costco girl. She wants to check your membership card. You smile, brain digs to find your opening lines…blank blank blank. Nothing. Nada. FUCKING STUPID IDIOT. Where are my lines?

And by the time you can conjure something up, she’s gone. Brain goes back to sleep. 25 seconds later she’s back, you FUCKING know she’s showing interest (did I tell you there is no head like a shaved Indian head…minus the doubling meaning please). Kick start the brain, wake it up and you blurt out “Bbbbb…who lies more? Men or Women?” - THIS IS FUCKING STUPID. Don’t get me wrong. The line works wonders when used in the right context, at the right time, at the first instant you approach a girl…Not when you are on round two of your approach. Totally not congruent.

Needless to say…my approach sucked big time. SUCKY SUCKY FUCKING SUCKY. Note to self: You SUCK ASSHOLE.

So I’ve pledged to go out. Back to the clubs. Malls. Streets. Approach Approach Approach. Direct or Indirect. Mystery style or Bad Boy style or Shark style. Doesn’t matter. My social skills are getting rusty…To get going, I went online…at all the dating websites including personals at Craigslist, courtesy Tom Lykis who completely advises against it, but kya karen, aadat se majboor, jeb khalee pur khana hain khajoor.

Somehow, everyone - be it a guy or a girl feels they are the idols of the current world - as per the personals’ ad they publish. Lykis in his show last evening kind of mentioned an ad of a fugly (fat and ugly) woman who had a HUGE list of the kind of guy she wanted…the question was: Did she have as many points in her to offer her man as the number of points she wanted in a man?

So oz gets this khujli and starts browsing dating sites…

This one from a 37 year old single woman caught my eye…

I hate this cheese ball stuff… and I’m done with the bar scene.

With dark circles under your eyes from say, 30 years of drinking, hell you are done with the bar scene. But what is this fucking “done with the bar scene” statement every second personals ad seems to have. Does it mean you spent 30 years of your life in a bar and are planning to move out? Or that it took you 30 years to realize that the guys you meet in a bar and later slept with - weren’t at the bar for a drink in the first place. (If any of you guys reading this go to a bar for drinking…we need to have a serious man to man talk)

I am a cute blonde who enjoys long walks on the beach and romantic dinners by candle light… oh wait, those things are true! well, maybe it just sounds cheese ball!

You look Cute? Compared to what? A 3 day past it’s expiry date muffin? Long walks on the beach? - How many walks in a year do you take on the beach? One ? The tyres around your waist seem to tell us that you DON’T like LONG walks.

I am naturally a blonde, but right now I have it auburn/ red just for a change.

Yeah, when guys at the bar go, “shit she’s back”, you go for a color change…

I love to go drinking and dancing on the weekends. Just hanging out with friends and playing pool is cool too. I’m not into sports, I don’t watch or play any.

So you are not “completely” out of the bar scene huh? Yeah we kind of know you are not much into sports judging from the tyre tubes in your picture.

I do enjoy romantic dinners by candle light and am addicted to them…

HOW MANY FUCKING GUYS have you gone out with that you are “addicted” to candle light dinners?

I need a guy who is agressive enough to take charge most of the time, but not so much where he is controlling.

When we get aggressive you label us as “Controlling” and when we go laid back we are not “Aggressive enough”…Sorry guys there is no escape from this truth.

My children come first and they must to you too

Am I reading it right here? The guy who dates you must also take the responsibilities of “your” children inorder to date “you”. It would have been ok if you were looking for a guy in a similar situation, but you want a single guy to date you, take you out, pay your bills, while carrying your children in his arms…what does the guy get back in return…tyre tubes? I mean why would a sane guy do that in the first place?

There’s a lot more…but this should do it for now. I am not against a personals ad or what a person wants in a partner. BUT BE FUCKING PRACTICAL ABOUT IT. You are 37, have 2 kids, look like the white version of Tun Tun, are barely living check to check and you want to meet a guy who meets all 38 points on your list? Forget the list, who in the right mind would like to pursue a journey of hell by dating you.

No, I’m not being mean here. It’s called being blunt, honest and straight forward. It’s time someone opened the eyes of these men and women online.

Reading those profiles makes me sad (and some thought my fiction post a few days ago was dark and depressing).

I don’t have anything against online dating, but when you can meet more attractive personalities in a single evening by stepping out of your house than you could in a week of online browsing….aren’t you on the wrong track?

Anyways weekends here. Time to go out to clubs, theaters, malls, beach, parks…meet people (ahem just women)…until then be good, be safe and have a great weekend.

This entry was posted on Friday, February 3rd, 2006 at 1:59 pm
Filed under Friday Masala
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