Desi Train

The Now

Fluctuating in between intense flushes of ecstatic/orgasmic type feelings and the real world web of thoughts created by the mind, I’ve been constantly alerting myself to simply watch what the mind and body consume every living second of my time in thoughts (past, future), feelings, emotions and all that they can possibly create.

Returning back from the weeklong Sedona Method Retreat, there is an urge – which keeps coming in and leaving me – to taste those moments when I am simply laughing and crying with ecstatic flow of something I don’t know (and don’t want to) that keeps flowing through the mind and body. And then it stops and like a child whose favorite toy has been snatched away I try to get it back by reliving how I had just felt/lived (mistake 1) and trying to force or control myself to move towards a direction which I think will fetch me back those moments when I experience true freedom (mistake 2).

If none of this makes sense to you, my dear blog reader, we share the same boat. It doesn’t to me either. And at the same time, in me lies this diametrically opposite “give a hoot” attitude to the “Let’s try to understand what’s happening”, that it unbinds me further, thereby unleashing another flurry of bubbles of orgasmic (?) happiness.

I am quite positive the word “orgasmic” that I use to describe when I enter the state of what I have described above, is certainly not the right word. It’s much more than that. Ecstasy? No…its more than that. But damn, it comes and goes and the time it stays with me feels like a momentary dot in Time, a fraction of a second, blink and gone, and what ever else describes the shortest possible period between two linear points of time.

The 7 days in Retreat

Without creating any plans or agendas of what I want from the retreat or any predetermined images (this is how I will feel or this is how I will be at the Retreat), I landed in Phoenix and then a few hours later at Sedona. Running late, I went straight to the retreat with my bags. It felt good to be back. A two hour releasing took me back to what I was missing, due to my resistance to just do it another time. Things were looking good…

The next morning I landed at the Wild Flower for breakfast and met many who were in Sedona for the retreat. There was this business woman from the East, the soft spoken doctor from the Netherlands, the real estate agent from Phoenix, the Martial arts guru from Mississippi and many more. It was nice to meet people who were looking for freedom, true and ultimate freedom.

It was funny that the last time I was here; I had a hard time understanding why people at the retreat were crying. I guess this time it was a comedy of errors. Hardly anyone cried, and on the fourth day the dam broke for me. It started in the morning session and I just let it all flow. Why was I crying? I didn’t know. Was I trying to stop it? No. How long did I cry? Perhaps the whole day. Last night while reading Jack Kornfield’s “After the Ecstasy, The Laundry”, I came across the “crying” process in the book. I highly recommend this book for those interested in Zen and Spirituality or those have given a thought or two (or more) to questions like “Who am I besides the body?”, “Why am I here?”, “Why do I feel trapped?”, “What’s beyond the cycle of life and death?” and other such headache giving questions.

Of course if I had read that book, even a year ago, I would have not been able to go past the second page. Today I could relate to many things mentioned in it. A few instances so true to what I’ve actually gone through. Plus it’s a pure warm joyous feeling to see there are so many others walking the same direction as you are, many facing even more difficulties and road blocks than you have.

Of course the dear old oz lived too at the retreat. For instance he got attracted to this incredibly beautiful girl at the retreat, used his pickup skills and was getting mad IOIs (indicator of interests) from her. But I stopped abruptly. This has to stop, come on! So I spent 2 hours one night to release all my emotions and feelings towards her. But the next time I would see her, the urge would be all back. “What should I do?” I asked Hale during a break. Surprisingly within 10 minutes of following Hale’s advise there was a blank feeling when I thought about her. It’s as if everything was erased. I couldn’t believe this. So I tried forcing myself to dig deep in myself to conjure up those feelings again. Nothing happened. More digging. Nothing. It was funny to see I was now experimenting with trying hard to force myself to feel attraction for her, there was simply nothing there to bring up.

And then there was this beautiful soulful couple from up North. I spent many lunches and dinners with them. The Jack Kornfield’s book suggestion came from them. And then there was Doc. I still think he is one cranky guy. But there is so much love and warmth when I now think of him as that.

And in the end I went to Hale to summarize how I could keep in touch with those feelings of ecstasy I had been feeling on and off, (I had made up a key word list I was gonna run through Hale)…and Hale just goes “Do Nothing”…somehow this time I knew what that meant. Its and bits of the true meaning were finally sinking in.

The Tomorrow

There is none. All there is to live is the “Now”. And I’ve been enjoying it. Of course there’s fear that I will “lose” the meaning and get back to what I was. But then “I” is always here, so how could I lose it when I never possessed it in the first place. I began the journey almost 20 years ago to search for “I”. I clearly remember sitting with the English version of the Gita along with the Oxford dictionary by its side. I gave it all up when I found the answers to my questions gave rise to more complex questions. According to Jack Kornfield there is a certain journey the individual has to undertake while targeting his/her spiritual goals. So does that mean my journey has begun? Who the fuck cares? For looking for the answer means getting sucked into another game the mind begins to play. For now, I’m simply gonna float and enjoy this tranquil moment I’m floating in…

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 4th, 2006 at 11:45 am
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