Desi Train

How pleasing and joyful is it, to see a plethora of Desi restaurants floating all around Kallifornia (thank you Arnold jee). It’s a trend or perhaps a supply following the demand of - an increasing by the minute, Desi population in Kallifornia (thank you Arnold jee) and of course the ever increasing awareness and growing taste for Desi food amongst other cultures.

Visiting San Jose reminds me of visiting a techno modern version of Chandni Chowk (for the sublimely ignorant, CC is in Delhi). Every other street has a Desi restaurant popping up. I hear Chicago and New Jersey are in a race to be named, Ameri-gadh (other recommendations include Ameri-nagar and H1aBad)…So densely are these cities filled with desi restaurants that only after you’ve stepped out of their restaurants, realization dawns…Oeeemaa I’m not in India.

But our desi restaurants in Videsh (foreign land) have their own small little weird ways of doing things – For starters - who in this whole M-Fucking world taught them to serve C O L D gulab jamuns? I can understand the ignorance of one restaurant, but when every restaurant in Kallifornia does the same, you seriously want to check your head – No I think they served rasgullas warm and GJs were served cold all the time back in India…wait, are they messing with me…Please take this very seriously my dearest but tragically ignorant blog reader. If the restaurants stick to what they do now that’s what our children, grandchildren and some of our neighbor’s children will get used to…… cold GJs and they will believe and think that is the right way of serving it. In pure scientific detergent terms it’s called, Brain Washing .

I’m sure this is what took place: All restaurant cooks and owners and their sidekicks met on a cold quiet night at a secret place. Mission: We should serve Cold Gulab Jamuns in all of Kailiphornea. The mission is approved ………..and tragically for us….the Mission has been accomplished.

And could someone tell me what is that white powdery thing sticking all over the GJs? Makes you wonder what the fuck do they do while making the GJs. I mean, is there Porn video installed in the kitchen which automatically knocks itself ON, the moment the chef inside starts making those GJs? The more aroused the chefs get, the more you have this white sprinkly stuff on your dear GJs.

And what’s the weirdest part of picking up a GJ from the serving bowl? The whole fucking bowl lifts up with it….which leads me to believe that Desi Kallifornian restaurants have “invented” a new GJ making routine which starts and ends with this statement – If you are running low on GJ Syrup please use GLUE. No seriously. I didn’t know Fevicol now made Gulab Jamun Syrup. What do they call it? Julab-col?

Oh why oh why oh why can’t they serve me yummy warm mouth watering GJs? And why the fuck are they placed in the darkest corner of the buffet table? Not just one, but ALL RESTAURANTS – the GJs are placed at the exact same spot, exact same corner, exact same place….Did I miss reading about some top secret mission being executed by our Kallifornia desi restaurants? Shhh anyone who goes to the farthest corner of the table, the corner which has the haldi spot from 1962, dropped rajma spot from 1954 and kid did susu spot from 1976…yes yes, that only spot….whoever goes to that dark spot to eat gulab jamuns is definitely a shady person to watch. We will put sticky fevicol on the GJ so it will stick to that person’s finger. And then we have proof! HA! Mole…Mola Mola Mollllllllle….

So that’s it. Instead of our governments spending half our tax money on buying or developing the latest spy gadgets and hi-tech surveillance equipment….all they have to do is ……place a Gulab Jamun bowl at the farthest corner on the buffet table. And the problems of our dear Mother Earth will be resolved. And you will slap your head with – “I’m such an idiot. Why didn’t I think of this before?”

Do you know the hardest part in this whole GJ fiasco? The fact that you have to bench-press a 50 at your neighborhood gym to get some Superman strength to cut that damn GJ.

And Spoons are out. Those good old days…but forget the spoon to eat your GJ. If you are still adamant on using the spoon, then a simple GJ eating event should be labeled as (a) Wrist Strengthening exercise (2) How to sprain you arm event (3) How to get crooked fingers event (4) How to bend spoons using one hand and a GJ.

Trust me. Forget the spoon. Calmly move your left hand towards the fork and ensure your right hand has the rusted - lost its sharpness in 1982 - knife. Move towards the GJ. Enjoy.

Now no one knows desi food better than a desi. You are the proudest person in a desi restaurant looking around at confused, nervous, scared, non desi patrons of the restaurant. HA! Fools! What do they know about desi food? But ever once in a while comes a time, when your own desi food knowledge is rattled, shaken, gets you confused to no end. The honor of this being done to you, goes to none other than a Kallifornian Desi Restaurant.

Yes dear blog reader. There comes a time when all your basic/advanced knowledge of Desi food is on shaky ground. This usually happens when on a nice summer day, while shopping on the desi streets of Pioneer in Artesia (Southern California), you have this feeling of want, of craving. Kulfi Falooda. You drop everything and open the doors of the nearest restaurant. You check their menu. You order the Kulfi Falooda, you are craving for. You wait with bated breath….shit…how long…and then you see Pablo, the Mexican waiter at the Gujju restaurant coming out of the kitchen, steel plate with a steel bowl on it, and inside is your Kulfi Falooda. Hooooooraaaayyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!

First Bite. And then it happens. Confusion. Ultra Irritation. More Confusion. Kulfi Falooda was Kulfi plus those thin noodles in it. Someone please explain WHY THE FUCK DOES MY KULFI FALOODA HAVE KULFI WITH UNSALTED GUJJU GATHIYA IN IT!!! WHERE ARE THE NOODLES?

“That’s the way it’s served in apna Gujarat” – goes the Gujju owner. So that is it. The answer to the confusion. All my neighbors lied to me. They were not Gujuratis but something else. My government lied to me. Each time I visited a state called Gujurat, it was not Gujurat but some other fucking state. Each time I had Gujju food…Nah LIARS it was “Someother state” Thali…Bastards.

And that reply from the Gujju owner was said with such unperturbed commanding confident style that you seriously now think Kulfi Falooda is actually Kulfi and Gathiya. You lied to me all my life, Mom. I will never forgive you for this.

That is a brief glimpse of Kallifornian Desi Restaurants for you. Welcome to Kallifornia and welcome to our desi restaurants – just drop all your knowledge, beliefs and understanding of desi food and you’ll be just fine and have the happiest meal of your life. Just try to avoid going to the darkest corner of the buffet table which may have a bowl of Gulab Jamuns in it….avoid it at all costs. It’s a Gathiya…sorry….trap.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 16th, 2005 at 10:02 am
Filed under Comedy, Travel & Dining
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