Desi Train

We spend all our lives trying to climb the corporate ladder. Push ourselves over our limits to make it there. There are some who make it, some who don’t. Of all the steps in the corporate ladder, beware of the No. 2 position. It’s a funny position. It’s a difficult position (Yeah I know I’m funny and difficult but that’s not what I’m about to say).

So here I am as the No. 2 guy in the whole department. I should be smiling. I am not. Firstly the No. 2 reminds me of the code we had at Catholic school. The code was “Teacher I want to go for No. 2” – in today’s language it means you needed to shit and fast before you ruin your pants. So your class teacher would send you off to the restroom and if you were lucky enough no one would notice your fully ruined or semi ruined pant bottoms, nor would they notice the squishy noise you made when you shifted your weight from one bum to the other.

But that isn’t why I’m not a big fan of the No. 2 position. Now above you on the ladder is No. 1, your Boss. And below you is No. 3 – your chief assistant. Your problem in being No. 2 is that Your Boss shits on You all the time; while Your assistant takes no shit from You and any attempt to do so, has your No. 3 guy running to No. 1 and peeing all over your reputation. Yes. In short it means….you are screwed at No. 2

It’s weird, and it goes like this:

Scenario One:
Boss: I need to give you another project
You: (thinking) – where the fuck do I have the time for a new project in my list of 326 projects?
You: (saying) – Of course I’m ready.

Change of Roles:
You: I have a new project needing your urgent attention
No. 3: (thinking) after peeing 25 times in the office restroom, visiting the break-room 28 times, flirting with the women in the HR department about 37 times, 45 times goofing off with other co-workers where the fuck do I have the time for a new project?
No. 3: (saying) – Sorry I don’t have the time NOW, how about next month?

Scenario Two:
Boss: I need you to write a project plan with MY NAME underneath it.
You: (thinking) there goes another opportunity to be famous and get a bonus
You: (saying) Of course I’ll do it.

Change of Roles:
You: I have completed half of this project plan. Some things require your input. Take this plan and fill in your part of it by tomorrow morning.
No 3: (thinking) – fuck, that means I have to work and can’t go to the break-room for my secret “meeting” with Tina from HR.
No 3: (saying) I forgot to inform you, but I have a dentist appointment in one hour.

Scenario Three:
Boss: I need new ideas. COME ON!!!!!!!!!
You: (thinking) WTF! He has a list of 36 new ideas I’ve emailed him with my analysis and outcome benefits in the last 3 months and he has said NOTHING.
You: (saying) Sure – we could start with my Project Idea email to you last month on ….blah blah blah…- for 2 hours until Boss can’t take it anymore or it’s 5pm and he has to rush to play tennis with his daughter; whichever is earlier.

Change of Roles
You: I need new creative inputs from you on this application.
No 3: (thinking) –blank-
No 3: (saying) –blank- eyes rolled up at the ceiling trying hard to think.
Net Result: -blank-

Being at No. 2 isn’t stuff made for the average person. You have to be highly resilient and put on a smiling face when your ass gets kicked by your boss, your boss’s secretary, your assistant, your assistant’s assistant, and at times by people who joined the party simply because everyone else was kicking your ass. Other times you will keep thinking for hours after a “my ass got kicked” event, you will be thinking and thinking hard on WHO THE FUCK WAS THE GUY WHO CAME IN, KICKED YOU AND LEFT?

So guys (and girls), beware when a No. 2 position is offered to you. Be very wary of the offer.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 24th, 2005 at 3:20 pm and is filed under Comedy, Life Flava, Other.
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