Desi Train

Ever wonder ‘what the hell was that movie about?’ - the movies which in the very first minutes had you checking your pockets for an aspirin, or trying to push back your seat so you could sleep for the next 3 hours or had you running to the nearest exit door so you could breathe some fresh air and get back into the world of sanity – YES, YES, YES – those very same – insane, idiotic, pain giving, movies HAD TURNED INTO SUPER HITS. And on reading or hearing about that, you were looking for the nearest immigration office of any country, be it Japan or Jhakas-Land…it made you cry out on the state of the “public” tastes. Fortunately the trend seems to have gone into a slumber and you pray it never wakes up….

A look at those idiotic, headache giving movies, some I remember, and mercifully some I don’t….

Hukumat (1987)

For the love of God, pray, someone tell me why this movie turned out to be the biggest hit of 1987. Shoot this, shoot that, bang bang, blood, bullets sprayed into the gullet of a man, blood splashed on the screen as if the producers had received a heavy discount on tomato ketchup and used it liberally. Oh please tell why I still have a pulsating depression starting from the deepest of my spine and spilling out of my mouth.
So what’s the story?
My dear blog reader, I pity your lack of knowledge that made you ask this question. But now since you have, I will painfully tell you this…the story revolves around DBDN – which means Deen Bandhu Deena Nath man (played by Sadashiv Amrapurkar), a Hitler-ish character controlling a town somewhere, someplace in India with such cruelty that condoms sell the highest in that town.
What the fuck has condoms to do with DBDN and this movie?
Dear Blog reader, I pity you more, for your lack of knowledge. But again I will painfully explain this, however hard I try to control my depression from taking me down further. You see DBDN is so cruel, perhaps the devil’s incarnation himself, that mothers and fathers in this town don’t want to have children in his rule. Since the power of sex makes you do stupid things…uh…like…uh having sex under adverse circumstances, like DBDN’s rule, you use condoms so as not to procreate.
So is this movie about condoms and not procreate under tyrannical rulers?
Again dear….I pity…fuck - forget about it. No. The story moves to superman Dharmendra who goes to this town as a top cop and finishes DBDN after a lot of spraying of bullets, bombs, knives and ofcourse dear old tomato ketchup. End of story.
So why the hell was this movie the biggest hit in 1987?
Beats me. But then to be fair this was fairly a better movie than the load of crap dumped on us in 1987.

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Tohfa (1984)

Jeetu-bhai (Jeetendra) in the final phase of his career and making the most of it. I have yet to secretly test the prints of this movie to find if radiations from those prints sent the audience in a hypnotic trance, for this movie too, ended up being one of the biggest hits of the year.
Story?
Jeetu-boss in a love triangle with Sridevi and Jaya Pradha. Marries one, the other dies.
What the fuck? You must be kidding me!!!
No I’m not. To confirm the truth, be my guest. Rent the movie from the nearest Indian store, on your way back buy tons of aspirins, tea and a hammer. Start the movie, consume aspirins to stop the knocking headaches which start after 5 minutes, make and drink tea which keeps you from sleeping – the effect of which starts in 12 minutes, and start using the hammer to smash your head after 17 minutes – the time when you realize that I was speaking the truth and nothing but the truth.

Kaalchakra, (1988)

What the fuck is this?
I know, I know, dear blog reader you question this even before I could put in a summary. Yes, there have been movies and then there have been shitty movies. And being the “once I wanted to be a screenplay writer” guy, I considered this my moral duty to watch each and every movie that was released from late 70s to early 90s and hence this movie which most of you may have luckily missed, but the rest of India didn’t and it was - I think - amongst the top 10 hits in that year.
So what’s the story about?
Heavily influenced by the N.Chandra style of movie making, particularly his first movie “Ankush”. Story of an average Bombay youth who gets messed up with gangs and becomes a gangster and in the end gets himself killed.
What? So what’s great about this movie you fuck?
Nothing, and I accept your apologies in advance for your cursing, dear blog reader. You must accept the fact that I went to watch this movie TWICE. Yes dear reader. The first time, I went straight to the doctor to get my head checked after the movie. Two weeks later, I read in the trade papers that this movie had turned into a massive hit. So I went back again to ensure I had not ended up watching some other movie by mistake. Tragically I hadn’t.

Raam Teri Ganga Maili (1985)

You better watch out you fuck, strike this movie off your list or else…
I’m in hot water. You don’t point fingers at master craftsmen. And especially someone as great as Raj Kapoor. But, tragic as it may sound, this is not the movie I will want to see the great maestro make again, had he been alive and still creating magic on screen. Give me a Sangam, Aah, Bobby, Henna (his idea and story executed by his eldest son Randhir Kapoor, after R.K. passed away). But RTGM – please don’t put it on the mantle of a master piece. Yes, I completely believe this….
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU BELIEVE?
That this movie was a hit because of three reasons – (1) Saeed Jaffery (2) The dialogues by K.K. Singh (3) Mandankini’s tits
Perhaps that is true…you have a point you know
Thank you dear reader. RTGM went out to become the biggest hit in 1985.

The No.2 hit of that year, too, sadly finds its way on this list…and it was…

Mard (1985)

It seems 1985 belonged to the year of the moron movie-goer. The intelligent or even the semi intelligent gentry had silently disappeared from the theaters. Again the master of masala movies comes out with his one and only favourite – Amitabh Bachchan, goes out and creates a movie which was the last of Bachchan hits of the 80s and 90s. Its sad to see Manmohan Desai’s last movie, before his untimely passing away, was a “Mard” rather than one of his other masala classics or even those intelligent ones that made you get up and think, like “Chhalia”.
So, what’s the story about?
Pre-independence India. Dara Singh’s a king, Nirupa Roy the queen, Bachchan the son. British capture Singh and Roy and kid Bachchan are separated. Bachchan grows up to become a he-man Tange-wallah. Reunites with mom. Finds Dad, helps him escape from prison and together they squash the British Empire and have them running on their heels. Scenes included salt being rubbed on Bachchan’s wounds by his to be love, Amrita Singh, and Bachchan laughs out as the salt is being rubbed in and declares “Mard ko dard nahin hota” – (A real man feels no pain); Another scene included that of Bachchan’s pet dog peeing on a bad guy’s face – and this was supposed to be a comic scene.
I can’t take this crap anymore…
Neither can I, dear blog reader. If reading this is turning into something like having sex with someone you don’t want to have sex with, then you can well imagine what I’ve been through all these years.

Pratighaat (1987)

The day I watched this, I cried. Not because this movie which was declared a massive hit and had forced me to go out and see it, but because, the director, who was a Gulzar protégé, the one who had made your blood boil with his very first movie (“Ankush”), had let you down by selecting this movie as his very second venture. Yes, N. Chandra failed you. Badly. And I never saw him reach the excellence he had reached in ‘Ankush’.
So what’s the story about?
This movie was a big hit in the south and the producers there approached Chandra to make it into Hindi. So you have Sujata Mehta, a teacher, who has strong opinions about corruption and goonda-ism. Unfortunately she lives in a town which is ruled by bad man Kali Prasad (Charan Raj from South, who played the same role in the original). So Kali has his goons go and rob the izzat of Mehta (you know what I mean), and Mehta takes the revenge by killing Kali in the end. Corruption, Murders, blood, violence, ballot box stealing, etc. etc.
Can you stop now please…I can’t take this anymore
Oh no dear reader, there is so much more to talk about the crappy movies which we together turned into the biggest money spinners of all time. Wait, I pray, there is more to come.
Stop it pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee
Sorry, dear blog reader. You have not got a percent of the pain I suffered while watching these movies. Pray, help me relieve the agony and pain I have suffered and stored in the deepest depths of my heart for all these years. Today, I will be free…by transferring all this pain and anguish to you…my dear blog reader.

Murder (2004)

When a senseless, stupid, badly made movie under the garb of doing something different from the rest, turns out to be a hit, you seriously think, perhaps its time you tried your hand at making movies too. Out of the stables of the Mahesh Bhatt camp, heavily influenced by the original “Unfaithful”, this movie turned out to be one of the biggest hits from Bollywood last year.
So what’s the story about?
Married couple, ex- boyfriend, extra marital relationship, revenge, wife goes back to husband and husband protects wife and kills ex-boyfriend.
Crap…why is it a hit?
Well, seriously – it was something different from the rest of the genre in 2004 (that speaks a lot of what was dished out in 2004). Plus Mallika Sherawat’s hot hot hot sex scenes.
You pervert!!!
Yes and please include each of those who watched this movie in the theater or on DVD or video.

Garv: Pride and Honor (2004)

I kid you not. This movie shows up as one of the biggest money spinners of 2004.
Goddammit, what’s the story about?
Beats me. Whenever I think of this movie, I too, like you ask this question – what the fuck was the story of this movie?
How the hell did it become such a big hit?
If I knew that, I would have researched, analyzed and written a freaking paper on it, got it printed in the Science Journals, Movie Trade papers and this year would have been the recipient of a Padma Shri award handed over to me by the President of India.

Ek Chotti Si Love Story (2002)

What the hell are you talking about…this was crap
Exactly and it found its way to becoming not only a profitable venture, but got the down and out over-rated director, back into business. Shashilal Nair, has always been over-rated for his talent and I have yet to see a movie of his which boasts of just that.
So why was this a hit?
Beats me, perhaps the idea of a boy falling in love with an elderly woman? Or perhaps it was the controversy surrounding the movie over the body double for the nudes scenes which Manisha Koirala ranted and ravaged about…who knows. But all that got the movie-goers inquisitive about what the hell was in this movie, driving them to see it.
So, in conclusion this movie was…
Crap. End of story.

This entry was posted on Monday, April 4th, 2005 at 10:34 am and is filed under Bollywood, Comedy, Superhit Posts.
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