Desi Train

Since the last blog (avoiding desi matrimonial sites and the women), Oz has been leading a quiet life away from the all the marriage websites, away from the phone calls of girls or their parents, away from all the emails which would otherwise suck him into another disastrous event….His time’s mostly divided between work, education, his passions of rock climbing and kayaking…..until one day he receives a surprise email that his entire family is on its way from India to visit him. About 10 in all plus a few others who are not a part of his family and friends nor does anyone who know they are, they simply tagged along with the family so they could (a) visit the U.S. (b) visit the U.S. on somebody’s expense (c) The utter confusion amongst the Oz family about which stranger is which family member’s friend is a fantastic cover for all the freaky people who tagged along with the family to visit Oz.

January 24, 2005. California. 11:30 pm. Ring Ring. Ring Ring. (for those who came late: Ring Ring = Oz’s phone ringing). A hand wakes up, stirs, and starts crawling in the direction of the ringing. The hurdles it has to cross over before reaching the phone are (in order of their appearance): a nose, a half covered ass, the hole of someone’s sock, hair, more hair, much more hair, request on the way to scratch someone’s ass before crossing over….etc.

Oz deep in sleep collects the receiver of the phone: “(groggily)…Hello….”
Woman’s sharp, shrilling, I’ll bobbitize (cut penis off) you like voice: “You fucker, you S.O.B., you bastard…you….”
The only two things in this world which can wake Oz up from his deep sleep are (1) Water (2) Woman on the phone calling him fucker, S.O.B., bastard…(not necessary in that order).
Oz: “Wh…who….is this? “
Woman on phone: “I am the one you wrote about in your blog which the whole mother fucking world is reading. I am the one, you laughed on and made fun of and now it’s PAYBACK TIME YOU A-HOLE”
Oz: “What the hell…is going on here….what are you talking about..?”
Woman: “YOU FUCKING BITCH.” (Clarification to blog reader: gripped in anger there may be a tendency on a person’s part to call a MAN – a BITCH. Scientific experiments so far conclude that this however does not change a man’s gender. )
Woman continues: “I am the AUNTEJEE, I AM THE PARENT, I AM THE SADISTIC GIRL YOU WROTE IN YOUR PATHETIC BLOG…I AM THE FACE FOR ALL OF THEM. I AM ALL IN ONE…I AM ONE IN ALL…”
Oz’s phone pops out of his hand, jumps 6 feet and lands directly on the head of…
Oz.Twin: “What the fuck…?” rubbing his head looking directly at Oz: “A-Hole…what’s the matter?”
Oz: “Its Aunty-JEE….OR MAYBE THE MOTHER OF ALL AUNTY-JEES!”
Oz.Twin (screaming): “RUN RUN…FUCK ME….RUN…CUT THE PHONE…INTERNET BUT NOT THE PLAYBOY CHANNEL…HELP HELP HELP….”

”

Lights go on all over the Oz household. Thumping steps heard all over the house rushing towards Oz’s bedroom.

Oz.Twin.Twin: “What happened?”
Oz.Papaji: “Kya hua bewakoof?” (what happened idiot?)
Oz.GrandPaji: “Kambakht…what’s wrong?” (translation not available…what’s wrong?)
Oz.Mataji: “Beta…bura sapna dekha kya? (son, did you have a nightmare?)”
Oz.GrandMaji: “Pour ice cold water on you beta? It helps…in the year 1903…” cut off by
Oz.GreatGrandPaji: “Kha….mo….shhhhhhh….”, (si…le….nceeeee)….too much energy spent to say that word and the oxygen mask goes back on his face.
Shakti Kapoor (no relation): “Owww….maine kuch nahin kiya…Owww” (Oww..I didn’t do a thing…Oww)
Oz.Twin.Twin.Twin (pulling his head from under Oz.Twin) “What’s wrong?”
Oz (to everyone): “Its AUNTY-JEE….on the phone cursing me”
Oz.Twin.Twin: “The same one you wrote about in the blog!”
Oz: “She says she is that, and all the others rolled into one”
Oz.Papaji: “Talk to her. What does she want?”
Oz.Twin and Oz.Twin.Twin.Twin (thinking at the same time) – She wants to screw Oz’s life…ha.ha.ha….this is fun.

Oz switches on the speaker so everyone can listen: “What can I do for you….”
AuntyJEE (snoring on the other end, wakes up with a jerk): “You FUCKER, YOU A-HOLE, YOU S.O.B….”
Oz cuts her short: “That you already have told me…what is the reason for your call besides that?”
AuntyJEE: “YOU A-HOLE. WHY SHOULDN’T PARENTS OF WOMEN INVESTIGATE YOU. IT IS OUR FUNDAMENTAL RIGHT TO WAKE YOU UP WHEN YOU ARE DEEPLY ASLEEP, AND SHOOT QUESTIONS WITHOUT TELLING YOU WHO WE ARE, AND WHY ARE WE CALLING…YOU COULD BE A FUCKING SERIAL KILLER AND WE WANT TO MAKE SURE….YOU A-HOLE”
Oz.Twin.Sister: “Stop calling my brother an a-hole. Only we reserve the right to say that to him. YOU BITCH.”
Oz.Twin: “Yes, you bitch. This right belongs to just us, you BITCH”
Oz.Twin.Twin: “Bitch”
Oz.Twin.Twin.Twin: “Bitch”
Shakti Kapoor: “Owww. Sexy bitch…Owwww”
Oz.Mataji: “SHUT UP ALL OF YOU….Aurat is Devi ka roop (women are the incarnation of goddess)….so don’t call her that EVER!” Everyone simply nods to affirm.
Oz.Mataji to AuntyJEE: “And you don’t call my son that EVER AGAIN…YOU BITCH..”

Oz to AuntyJEE: “I understand what you just said but doing the questioning in this manner is offensive…that was the whole point of the blog, NOT WHETHER ONLINE MARRIAGE SITES LEAD TO GETTING MARRIED…but the PATHS CHOSEN BY PARENTS AND MEN/WOMEN TO APPROACH OTHERS…It holds good for both men and women. The blog is about the attitude they bring to the table.”
AuntyJEE: “I DON’T CARE…I WILL NEVER ALLOW ANYTHING NEGATIVE SAID TO THE BITCHES ALUMNI people RUN from KIND. (B.A.R.K). YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN THOSE SADISTIC WOMEN YOU TALK ABOUT”
Oz (scratching his head): “So you do agree that there do exist sadistic men or women who play with people online by putting their profiles on marriage sites”
AuntyJEE: “SHUT UP. THERE ARE NO SADISTIC WOMEN. JUST FUCKING FILTHY MEN”
Oz.Papaji: “I’ve had enough. You are crazy”
Oz.GrandPaji: “Crazy and impolite.”
Oz.GreatGrandPaji: takes off his oxygen mask to say something. Too stressful for his body. Puts mask back on.
AuntyJEE: “YOU WILL NOT ASK OR COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING WE DO TO YOU. IT IS OUR RIGHT TO SCREW MEN UP. THAT IS THE MISSION STATEMENT OF B.A.R.K.”
Shakti Kapoor: “Can you email me membership form of B.A.R.K. – I want to join owwwww”
AuntyJEE: “SHUT UP YOU ALL…HOW DO WE KNOW YOUR SON IS NOT A KABAB SELLER ON STREETS OF NEW YORK…”
Oz.GrandMaji (shocked): “Oz…I thought you were some chief of department or something…??? Why did you lie…”
Oz.Mataji (crying): “Hai O Rabba…(O my God)….my son is a kabab seller…and I told the whole mohalla (neighborhood) in India, that he is a big shot…”
Oz.Papaji: “That means all the things you have here, are rented to impress us???? Oh son you have to give all this back when we return….why why why did you do this?”
Oz.Twin immediately hides the playboy magazine he was reading earlier. Thinks “Fuck…even this is rented…but I’m taking it back to India”
Shakti Kapoor slips Oz’s electric toothbrush into his underwear while thinking “Khaali haat nahin jaunga. Kuch to chura ke jaonga…Owww” (won’t leave empty handed. Will steal something for sure…Owww)

Oz to everyone: “Stop it you all. I am not a kabab seller and nothing is on rent here. Everything belongs to me. AuntyJEE is simply twisting the facts to prove her point.” Sigh of relief in the entire room. Oz.Twin slips back the playboy mag to the original place. Shakti Kapoor starts to do the same…then stops and lets the electric toothbrush remain hidden in his underwear.

Oz to AuntyJEE: “But these things can be questioned in a decent, respective manner. There is no question of rejection. You get rejected all your life over may issues…job, friends, love, dreams, goals…. Again - The opinions in the blog are on the paths, attitudes and manner of approach NOT the end result. In fact I still get rejected by many women I ask for a date…. women have rejected me 500 times….but that’s not an issue”
Oz.Twin: “True..I’ve been rejected…1,243 times”
Everyone looks at Oz.Twin – “You keep a record?” – Oz.Twin simply shrugs.
Oz.Twin.Twin: “Yep, I’ve been rejected more that 300 times”
Oz.Twin.Twin.Twin: “3000 times”
Oz.Papaji: About to say something on the subject of rejection. Looks at Oz.Mataji, but decides to shut up before opening his mouth which could lead to disaster.
Shakti Kapoor: “I’m rejected every time. But Owww….everything goes as I plan and want…owww”. Hearing that, Oz.Mataji, Oz.GrandMaji and Oz.Twin.Sister take 10 steps back from where SK is standing.

AuntyJEE: “DON’T CARE DON’T CARE DON’T CARE – WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY. I AND THE BITCHY MEN AND WOMEN LIKE ME ONLY CARE ABOUT ME, ME, ME…YOU GET THAT YOU A-HOLE”
Oz.Twin.Sister to Oz: “That reminds me. I want to watch Jim Carrey’s Me,Myself and Irene.”
AuntyJEE: “AND WHAT THE FUCK. YOU SAID IN A PREVIOUS BLOG THAT YOU FIND FIRANGEE (non-Indian) WOMEN SEXY. HOW SICK IS THAT YOU A-HOLE?”
Oz: “What is wrong with that?????????”
Oz.Twin: “Damn. I find them sexy too”
Oz.Twin.Twin: “Me too”
Oz.GreatGrandPaji: energetically removing the oxygen mask, stands up from his wheelchair “Meee…too…fee…..raaa…geeeeeeees……..” gasping for more air “are…eeeeee…xxxxxy…yyy”…….too much stress on body, collapses on wheelchair, someone helps him put his oxygen mask back on.
AuntyJEE: “YOUR WHOLE FAMILY IS SICKENING. YOU FIND FIRANGEE WOMEN SEXY…HOW SICK IS THAT!!! YOU MAKE ME SICK…”
Oz.GrandMaji: “Beti if you feel sick…I can make some ginger & honey tea it will make you feel better….but how do I send it to you….?….do you have fax?”
Oz: “DAMN GRANDMA….Is that what you did to my fax machine yesterday. It had honey all over it…….”
Oz.GrandMaji: “Beta…I simply wanted to fax the Mexican honey to India. I don’t want to carry it back and have the customs in India charge me for it.”
Oz.GrandPaji: “Are moorakh….(O Idiot)….you should ask me before doing things like that….we could have attached the honey via email….it would have reached India faster….”
Oz.Twin.Twin (puzzled): “Is that why the key board of Oz’s computer isn’t working anymore????”

AuntyJEE: “AND THE BALLS YOU HAVE TO LOOK FOR WOMEN WHO KNOW HOW TO COOK….YOU FUCK; DON’T YOU KNOW WE DON’T WANT TO COOK AND EVERYTIME WE ARE HUNGRY WE MAKE THE MEN COOK OR TAKE US OUT TO EAT. WE WILL NOT COOK, NOT LEARN COOKING AND ARE AGAINST ALL WOMEN WHO COOK”
Oz (completely puzzled): “What?…It’s my wish to marry a woman who know how to cook…what is wrong with that?”
AuntyJEE: “EVERY FUCKING THING IS WRONG WITH THAT WISH. YOU CAN’T WISH FOR ANYTHING. YOU FUCK. DON’T YOU GET IT?”
Oz.Mataji (crying): “Ozzzzzzzzz….now I see why have you not married. You want a woman who loves cooking. Beta (son) such women are extinct.”…Beating Oz on his head…”Now you see what you are making us all go through. Had you learnt cooking as a child, we would not have had to see this day. Sigh”
Oz.Papaji (extremely puzzled): “What….what does all this have to do with cooking?”
Oz.GrandPaji: “Oz, had you learnt cooking you could have taken over our Halwai (chefs who make sweets with just their underwear on…though it is not a requirement) business”
Oz.GreatGrandPaji: “What?…we have a hal..hal..hal…wai bus….” Can’t take the stress, puts the oxygen mask back on.

AuntyJEE: “AND YOU WANT US BITCHES TO PUT OUR PROFILES ON PORN SITES…HOW SICK SICK FUCKING SICK IS THAT. YOU PUT YOUR PROFILE ON PORN SITES YOU FUCK”
Oz: “I would gladly do so, if someone accepts it.”
Oz.Twin: “Oz, that reminds me…who is Net Nanny AND why does she pop up everytime I’m using your laptop…”
Oz (sick from all this): “That’s because you use my laptop to simply see porn….its a porn blocking software you idiot.”
Oz.Twin: “Agar ma ka doodh peeya hain — to Net Nanny ko nikaal de… Warna…” (for translation call Dharmendra — remove Net Nanny… or else…)
Oz: “Warna kya???” (Else what?)
Oz.Twin: “I will use a different pc to watch porn”
Oz shakes his head and return to phone: “This can’t continue anymore. AuntyJEE, it is my blog. My online Journal. I can write my thoughts and my opinions in it. So zip it.”
AuntyJEE (snoring…wakes up with a jerk): “You FUCKER, YOU A-HOLE, YOU BAST….”
Oz (cuts her off): “You dozed off again. We are way beyond that…”
AuntyJEE: “O…O…YES…I WANT YOU TO DELETE ALL YOUR BLOGS NOW…RIGHT NOW…”
Oz: “That’s my freedom of speech you are stepping on. What about the good comments both from men and women”
AuntyJEE: “THEY ARE ALL A-HOLES. EVERYONE WILL FACE AUNTY-JEE’s WRATH”
Shakti Kapoor: “Owww…AuntyJEE…You are my kind of woman…Are you single?”
AuntyJEE: “Yes…are you?”
Shakti Kapoor: “Yes…..owwww”
AuntyJEE: “So tell me WHAT DO YOU DO?” – Shakti Kapoor answers
AuntyJEE: “What is you annual income?” – Shakti Kapoor answers
AuntyJEE: “Do you have any property? What’s you bank balance?” – Shakti Kapoor answers
AuntyJEE: “WOW…Next Question….”…..By this time the entire Oz family has had enough and leaves the room for AuntyJEE to talk to Shakti Kapoor….

Oz smiles on thinking that pretty soon there may be a blog coming up on Shakti Kapoor’s misadventures with AuntyJEE. Some people just don’t learn….

This entry was posted on Monday, January 24th, 2005 at 9:59 am
Filed under Comedy, Other, Superhit Posts
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